Sup bitchessss! So I think im going to try to blog more this time around. looks like the blog flow hasnt been that great these past couple years. I actually started to read some of the past ones. What a witty fuck I was! I mean im still funny but its a more mature kind of funny....looks like the old me was a cracked out fun kind of funny. wish I could get that back.
All the previous blogs have made me realize a lot of shit. I still struggle with the same exact demons I do now- dieting and alcohol and drug addiction boococky. seems like the only thing that isn't present today is my efforts in a failing relationship. So that's one stress gone. Like meatloaf once said "two out of three aint bad"...although for me its three out of four. Whatever bro.
Who knew those cartoons would be true. The ones where u have the angel and the devil on each shoulder trying to tell you what to. Its like that every damn day.
Yes, you have to get up and go to work. Don't eat too much! youll get fat! No, you cannot drink excessively. No, you cant pop pills with it either. Color in the lines! stay Focused! everyday is a balancing act. And im always worried it will all crash down.
At least I don't have as much anxiety as I use to. Not many breakdowns. I try to not blow up and try to rationalize. Still gets hard. I don't know why I cant move past these issues that seem to have been following me for a long time. I honestly didn't realize it until I started reading it all. When will I find some kind of peace within? probably when im dead. lucky me.
my boyfriend thinks that I am too hard on myself. But he doesn't know how it could b if I let it all go. You get use to not giving a fuck. You like it so much it makes u selfish and then u lose people. and yourself. He has had past drug problems, so I feel like he has to understand it somewhat. Then again his attitude is different from mine. Whats in the past is in the past and today is a new day. And I agree. But I cant go throwing my past in the trash that easy.
I need to remind myself to b good. its just something that I have to do. ok. enough of this. bitch be like whoa is me. shit is boring.
Im trying to be more like a lady. getting my fashion on. its work in progess. It first started w my makeup and now moved onto clothes. needed ALOT of help with the clothes. still do but I bought a bunch of shit that should last me for awhile. im having trouble walking in shoes but I will break them in. im not quittin this! winna winna chicken dinna!
Work blows. same shit all the time. Nothing new with that.
I really like that new lady gaga and r Kelly song. Still not happy that he pees on young girls before coitus...then again nobodys perfect.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
I know better cuz you said forever and ever. Who knew....?
Wow.....2011....lol I have not been on in a long time. So much has happened since then. Its crazy looking back, how quickly things change. How much you change.
I guess we will connect the dots and follow up from the last post. My father never came to my wedding. He was in fact very ill and we almost lost him a few times. I married on 9/10/11 and we ended up visiting him I believe around November that year.
In a way it was better off. I moved out of our apartment in May the following year. I only enjoyed my wedding for four days before I received message from a younger girl, letting me know that she was in a relationship with my husband on and off for the past two years. The last time seeing him being August. Right before our wedding. I knew all along....im not going to pretend that I had no inkling. looking back on it the flags were very obvious. And I kept wearing my rose colored glasses thinking it will get better. He will man up and see what its all suppose to really be like. I don't know why I thought that....what a stupid girl. I was so sheltered and in denial about everything.
Why it took me months to leave? I played detective to the best of my ability. It was tough bc I'm not a good hacker. I cant figure out passwords for shit. The only thing I had were phone numbers I could call. And that never seemed to disappoint. One night he was so drunk he fell asleep w his hands on the phone. Stupid fuck. I don't know why I was so upset at what I found. I knew it was there. But I guess seeing it just made it heartbreaking.
To never feel good enough for someone who surrounded your world, is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. To be put second instead of first. Why did it take so long for me to wake up? I think that is what pissed me off the most. It was doomed the moment it started. But I learned a lot from it. I guess I can be thankful for that. I am a lot stronger than I was before.
I have met someone new who is fantastic. But a lot of what I believed in before is gone. I feel like I still have a wall up. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In time it has gone done. But really just brick by brick. Its going to take me awhile and I feel sorry that this time around I cannot give what I put into my previous relationship. This guy deserves what my ex got. Its a shame.
On a positive note, I feel like I am finally living. And that time being with my ex seems so long ago. Isnt that strange? it feels like another time. Kind of like it never really happened. So odd.
I look forward to what will happen next. Not knowing use to scare me and now going with it seems less stressful than trying to plan. I am happy, but not fully to where I would like to be. Hopefully in time I will. Made a lot of good friends and kept a few loyal ones. I feel good. I feel like myself again. My father is ok. My family is there to support me. I am in a really good place. I only move forward. No going back.
I guess we will connect the dots and follow up from the last post. My father never came to my wedding. He was in fact very ill and we almost lost him a few times. I married on 9/10/11 and we ended up visiting him I believe around November that year.
In a way it was better off. I moved out of our apartment in May the following year. I only enjoyed my wedding for four days before I received message from a younger girl, letting me know that she was in a relationship with my husband on and off for the past two years. The last time seeing him being August. Right before our wedding. I knew all along....im not going to pretend that I had no inkling. looking back on it the flags were very obvious. And I kept wearing my rose colored glasses thinking it will get better. He will man up and see what its all suppose to really be like. I don't know why I thought that....what a stupid girl. I was so sheltered and in denial about everything.
Why it took me months to leave? I played detective to the best of my ability. It was tough bc I'm not a good hacker. I cant figure out passwords for shit. The only thing I had were phone numbers I could call. And that never seemed to disappoint. One night he was so drunk he fell asleep w his hands on the phone. Stupid fuck. I don't know why I was so upset at what I found. I knew it was there. But I guess seeing it just made it heartbreaking.
To never feel good enough for someone who surrounded your world, is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. To be put second instead of first. Why did it take so long for me to wake up? I think that is what pissed me off the most. It was doomed the moment it started. But I learned a lot from it. I guess I can be thankful for that. I am a lot stronger than I was before.
I have met someone new who is fantastic. But a lot of what I believed in before is gone. I feel like I still have a wall up. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In time it has gone done. But really just brick by brick. Its going to take me awhile and I feel sorry that this time around I cannot give what I put into my previous relationship. This guy deserves what my ex got. Its a shame.
On a positive note, I feel like I am finally living. And that time being with my ex seems so long ago. Isnt that strange? it feels like another time. Kind of like it never really happened. So odd.
I look forward to what will happen next. Not knowing use to scare me and now going with it seems less stressful than trying to plan. I am happy, but not fully to where I would like to be. Hopefully in time I will. Made a lot of good friends and kept a few loyal ones. I feel good. I feel like myself again. My father is ok. My family is there to support me. I am in a really good place. I only move forward. No going back.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The more things change, the more things stay the same.
I wonder if ill ever get a sober phone call from you. i guess i should be thankful that you only sounded buzzed today. I'm not mad at you nor do i hate you. But i hope you know that your missing out on our lives. I wonder if that even concerns you. Because i miss you. Shit....you just have no idea how much i miss you. The phone calls are shorter each time. with you being the one to always cut it short. i have the time....so why not let us share it for awhile and talk about life? truth is....i have so much to say that i want you to know, that i want u to react to....but u dont make the time. And it hurts me. you cried when i got engaged...and now i have to remind u each phone call when im getting married....and hope that youll even show. and thats even if you give me the time to remind you. I dont think that its alot to ask.....to just seem somewhat intersted in whats going on. I miss you.....or the old you.......the you before you moved away. Please come back.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Just danceee gunna be ok!
Afternoon sluts, ok so i think i need to tell my sponser to back off a bit. i understand that they are there to support me. but this whole program kinda feels more like an obligation more than anything else. shes not being too pushy....but the things she says r just so robotic. i totally get her though. shes been in the program for a longggg time so alot of stuff is memorized. and i understand that this is a pretty big chunk of her life. she really wants to just help people. but the way she does it....its just too much. i dont have all this free time to do AA stuff. thats why i just do the meetings. like ive said before its to keep me focus and have support. in between that im gyming it up and planning my wedding. im in full plan mode right now and i still have so much to do. and besides that we might be moving in the middle of all this. i dont have the time to read passages or have half an hour discussions. this program is not my life. im not half as bad as most that are there. i'm not going to fall off. im good. its been a month and a half now. im proud of myself and im going to continue to stay focused on being healthy. and reading passages and doing all this other stuff outside of the meetings is more like hw to me. if i wanted that id be back in school. so i guess ill have to talk to her and see how that goes... theres just so much good stuff coming my way its nuts. we have enough to pay for this wedding ourselves which is a miracle in itself. brian is doing alot of sidejobs to get extra cash, and was offered first looks at an apt in long beach. i want it already and i havent even seen it yet. i just want an actual apt. im done w renting in houses. if we take this place ill be at the beach all summer im already excited about it. hes going to be doing side work in that apt as well so he will get to see it before me and let me know if its worth it. the price is just redonk. its a damn steal and its all bc of who ya know. i def feel lucky right now in my life. not saying that its always this rosey...there are bumps ahead all the time. but right now things are falling into place nicely and i couldnt be happier. i have money to have a decent reception....a man who tells me almost everyday that he can't wait to marry me....and im happy...im happy without a drink. im not having a difficult time w it. now all i need is to win lotto. or get a better car :p
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Old man take a look at my life, im alot like you
Hi, My name is Vanessa. And i'm a cross addict.
Wow...that seems really strange. its so....out there. But i suppose it's true. Even if i havent said it out loud yet.
Friday will be a month without a drink. And i have to say it feels great. Dont get me wrong....it sucks too. big time. i dont feel comfortable to go to a bar unless im going to be eating something. i can't just go to the bar anymore. So i've been keep myself occupied in other ways. it def feels like something is missing. But i def dont miss being hungover all the time and wasting days like that.
Joined AA....well idk if its really that i joined. I've been going to a few meetings a week. it helps me stay focused and doesnt make me feel like the only fucked up person in the world.
But as for completing the steps and becoming one with the rest of the group? still on the fence. its not that im fighting this whole thing. im trying to be a better person. But it can be a bit cultlike.
Mainly...its all about god. And i'm not so thrilled with that. and the prayers they recite. or that prayer i cant understand yet bc it has alot of w words in it. something about do the work and your worth it.....and some other ws....whatever. i undertsand this is a support group and thats why i like it. they make you feel welcome and are genuinely there for you everyday. it's not forced. they've just been there and they understand you. and if you need a friend they are there for you. its great. i feel a lot better keeping in touch with people like that.
But like i said... the cultlike behavior comes in when they praise god. in this one meeting this woman was sharing and talking about having a bad day and i remember her saying that on those bad days she would just "give it up to god" and let him handle it. Thats my problem right there. Why should i give god all the credit for my sobriety? i voluntarily decided to stop bc i was unhappy and out of control....i didnt look up one day and ask someone who hasnt really been around and tell me what i should do. i dont ask god for guidance....i guide myself. maybe its bc im not as hardcore as some of the folks in these meetings are. or maybe i just gave up on him a long time ago....when he didnt answer my prayers. to fix my family, to better my life....to fix me. i'm going to go with the second one.
i replaced god with booze and drugs. at least it soothed me quicker than any prayer would.even knowing this....i dont want to completely go back to god. giving all the credit. sure, i suppose it all has made me stronger....but i dont have faith in him. i have faith that things will always work out and fall into place. i have faith in me. i have faith in knowing that this life is not the end. but do i give all thanks to the lord? no....i def dont believe in one person. i just have faith....period. and i think thats why im conflicted with the program.
i also dont want to share my story, or announce my name and say that im a cross addict. im sitting here arent i? y'all know i got issues....so lets just leave it at that.
maybe one day ill be comfortable....but im not sure. i dont fully fit into that scene. i need their support, but i dont need to be one of them. i admit that the meetings are helping me find where it all went downhill....im slowly putting pieces together. dealing with it all sober....all the stress and anxiety....is def not fun. probably the worst part. i have to say....thats the most difficult thing for me right now. but it's all an experience....kinda like self therapy. as much as its been difficult....i havent been this happy in a long time. and as much as it may suck at times...for the most part i dont miss it at all.....i dont need it anymore...
Wow...that seems really strange. its so....out there. But i suppose it's true. Even if i havent said it out loud yet.
Friday will be a month without a drink. And i have to say it feels great. Dont get me wrong....it sucks too. big time. i dont feel comfortable to go to a bar unless im going to be eating something. i can't just go to the bar anymore. So i've been keep myself occupied in other ways. it def feels like something is missing. But i def dont miss being hungover all the time and wasting days like that.
Joined AA....well idk if its really that i joined. I've been going to a few meetings a week. it helps me stay focused and doesnt make me feel like the only fucked up person in the world.
But as for completing the steps and becoming one with the rest of the group? still on the fence. its not that im fighting this whole thing. im trying to be a better person. But it can be a bit cultlike.
Mainly...its all about god. And i'm not so thrilled with that. and the prayers they recite. or that prayer i cant understand yet bc it has alot of w words in it. something about do the work and your worth it.....and some other ws....whatever. i undertsand this is a support group and thats why i like it. they make you feel welcome and are genuinely there for you everyday. it's not forced. they've just been there and they understand you. and if you need a friend they are there for you. its great. i feel a lot better keeping in touch with people like that.
But like i said... the cultlike behavior comes in when they praise god. in this one meeting this woman was sharing and talking about having a bad day and i remember her saying that on those bad days she would just "give it up to god" and let him handle it. Thats my problem right there. Why should i give god all the credit for my sobriety? i voluntarily decided to stop bc i was unhappy and out of control....i didnt look up one day and ask someone who hasnt really been around and tell me what i should do. i dont ask god for guidance....i guide myself. maybe its bc im not as hardcore as some of the folks in these meetings are. or maybe i just gave up on him a long time ago....when he didnt answer my prayers. to fix my family, to better my life....to fix me. i'm going to go with the second one.
i replaced god with booze and drugs. at least it soothed me quicker than any prayer would.even knowing this....i dont want to completely go back to god. giving all the credit. sure, i suppose it all has made me stronger....but i dont have faith in him. i have faith that things will always work out and fall into place. i have faith in me. i have faith in knowing that this life is not the end. but do i give all thanks to the lord? no....i def dont believe in one person. i just have faith....period. and i think thats why im conflicted with the program.
i also dont want to share my story, or announce my name and say that im a cross addict. im sitting here arent i? y'all know i got issues....so lets just leave it at that.
maybe one day ill be comfortable....but im not sure. i dont fully fit into that scene. i need their support, but i dont need to be one of them. i admit that the meetings are helping me find where it all went downhill....im slowly putting pieces together. dealing with it all sober....all the stress and anxiety....is def not fun. probably the worst part. i have to say....thats the most difficult thing for me right now. but it's all an experience....kinda like self therapy. as much as its been difficult....i havent been this happy in a long time. and as much as it may suck at times...for the most part i dont miss it at all.....i dont need it anymore...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Suck it, bitch
Holy crap....last update was october of last year??!! thats insane. i apologize.
What do you do when you know something your not suppose to? Theres nothing that i can do, and it bothers the fuck out of me. i wish i never knew.
i think what bothers me the most is that it just makes me realize something that i've always known. NOONE is ever good. Humans are not good people. We are selfish and always out for number one. We want what we want and we want it now, and it doesnt matter how we get it... we will always get what we want. i dont care if anyone wants to argue against it. you wont win with me. years of observance has proven this to me.
You think you know someone. You think things are perfect. and then BAM.....things happen where it makes you wonder if u ever really knew the person at all.
you know what else gets me? they all still claim to love you. "but baby i love u" OK
but does it make your selfish act right? no....not at all. and im not saying its just guys....its women too. like i stated previously....its the human race itself. i am no different.
i've been selfish many times. i STILL am. i will never guarantee that i wont be selfish or do fucked up things. im sure im doing something thats considered wrong right at this moment.
But it just blows my mind. everyday i find out something new. and yet i still get the feeling of dissappointment. WHY? after it is learned....i end up realizing that it wasn't such a surprise. Maybe....for once i just want to believe in decency.
its awful that i feel this way. its a shame, bc ill probably spend the rest of my life wondering if the goodness that i have is really good. ill second guess, be suspicious. and its unecessary.
You sicken me. i'm sure that deep down i knew this....but i really didnt want to. and its really hard for me not to wanna beat the fuck out of you and that other person. You have it all, you fucking asshole. and i really hope that one day karma fucks up everything for u. You fucking deserve it.
What do you do when you know something your not suppose to? Theres nothing that i can do, and it bothers the fuck out of me. i wish i never knew.
i think what bothers me the most is that it just makes me realize something that i've always known. NOONE is ever good. Humans are not good people. We are selfish and always out for number one. We want what we want and we want it now, and it doesnt matter how we get it... we will always get what we want. i dont care if anyone wants to argue against it. you wont win with me. years of observance has proven this to me.
You think you know someone. You think things are perfect. and then BAM.....things happen where it makes you wonder if u ever really knew the person at all.
you know what else gets me? they all still claim to love you. "but baby i love u" OK
but does it make your selfish act right? no....not at all. and im not saying its just guys....its women too. like i stated previously....its the human race itself. i am no different.
i've been selfish many times. i STILL am. i will never guarantee that i wont be selfish or do fucked up things. im sure im doing something thats considered wrong right at this moment.
But it just blows my mind. everyday i find out something new. and yet i still get the feeling of dissappointment. WHY? after it is learned....i end up realizing that it wasn't such a surprise. Maybe....for once i just want to believe in decency.
its awful that i feel this way. its a shame, bc ill probably spend the rest of my life wondering if the goodness that i have is really good. ill second guess, be suspicious. and its unecessary.
You sicken me. i'm sure that deep down i knew this....but i really didnt want to. and its really hard for me not to wanna beat the fuck out of you and that other person. You have it all, you fucking asshole. and i really hope that one day karma fucks up everything for u. You fucking deserve it.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Superman that ho
Sooooooo i've got a few things to randomly spew. lets do this:
ONE....im really not feeling this whole getting old thing. Do u know i had to explain to this 22 year old guy who the Jerky Boys are? THE JERKY BOYS????? please tell me that i just happened to stumble upon a loser rather than someone too young to know. Cuz i just wont accept any other answer. Besides that my bff at work is 22 so im always hearin about her sorority or guys, or her friend's guys, or basically anything random shed like to share with me. And its not that i dont mind....but basically i really feel like im on this different page then everyone else lately.
all of my friends either have kids or are far away from me. So im pretty much friendless. So its like the little that i have im just like.....ok...kinda been there already. giving words of widsom and what not. i text my sister constantly bc shes the only one i can frikken relate to that actually gives a crap....that i actually laugh with even though shes across the country. now friggin explain that.
Bran's got his band member bff. they are so far eachother's asses i could hurl right now. But maybe im just jealous i know. i vented to my coworker once and she was like "geez u need some friends come hang with me" and im like "uh yeah i know that, i have friends i just cant hang out with them...they all moved. And no thanks....im not into the whole dressing up clubbin thing." im not. why the hell am i gunna get all dolled up for? to go sip wine and dance? i mean i would but its just not my thing. i like hanging out in a t shirt and underwear for gods sake. i just....really dont fit in. i wish my bf moved back. i tell her all the time. cuz thats where id be. im just...super lonely and a lil extra emotional right now. could be the gremlin too. yeah def is. im sure that by now this seems pathetic....but whatever. its not. its life. so suck it.
Friday i'll be walking eisenhower park. it's the lymphoma walk. already registered and we will be there with leslie. She has a scan next week...and i pray nothing comes up. She looks good, she feels good. Shes been going through the treatments. im positive that this will be ok. But ifu could set some time aside and add an extra prayer for her that would be great.
So besides the no carb-no beer during the week i have quit smoking the herb as well!!!
i know right??? im excited about it. this will be the third day and im fine. super fine. i mean i miss it sure. it relaxes me at the end of the day. BUT i dont get the munchies, so its workin out great. plus its more money in our pockets. So im doing really well. its kinds odd to say this but....ive never been this sober and im still not totally sober yanno? idk. im excited about it. it makes me feel good knowing that i have self control. bc at times i know that i can be easily addicted to anything u put infront of me. thats scary to admit but its 100 percent tru.
ok yeah so thats it for right now. making progress y'all. ill update soon! kisses :)
ONE....im really not feeling this whole getting old thing. Do u know i had to explain to this 22 year old guy who the Jerky Boys are? THE JERKY BOYS????? please tell me that i just happened to stumble upon a loser rather than someone too young to know. Cuz i just wont accept any other answer. Besides that my bff at work is 22 so im always hearin about her sorority or guys, or her friend's guys, or basically anything random shed like to share with me. And its not that i dont mind....but basically i really feel like im on this different page then everyone else lately.
all of my friends either have kids or are far away from me. So im pretty much friendless. So its like the little that i have im just like.....ok...kinda been there already. giving words of widsom and what not. i text my sister constantly bc shes the only one i can frikken relate to that actually gives a crap....that i actually laugh with even though shes across the country. now friggin explain that.
Bran's got his band member bff. they are so far eachother's asses i could hurl right now. But maybe im just jealous i know. i vented to my coworker once and she was like "geez u need some friends come hang with me" and im like "uh yeah i know that, i have friends i just cant hang out with them...they all moved. And no thanks....im not into the whole dressing up clubbin thing." im not. why the hell am i gunna get all dolled up for? to go sip wine and dance? i mean i would but its just not my thing. i like hanging out in a t shirt and underwear for gods sake. i just....really dont fit in. i wish my bf moved back. i tell her all the time. cuz thats where id be. im just...super lonely and a lil extra emotional right now. could be the gremlin too. yeah def is. im sure that by now this seems pathetic....but whatever. its not. its life. so suck it.
Friday i'll be walking eisenhower park. it's the lymphoma walk. already registered and we will be there with leslie. She has a scan next week...and i pray nothing comes up. She looks good, she feels good. Shes been going through the treatments. im positive that this will be ok. But ifu could set some time aside and add an extra prayer for her that would be great.
So besides the no carb-no beer during the week i have quit smoking the herb as well!!!
i know right??? im excited about it. this will be the third day and im fine. super fine. i mean i miss it sure. it relaxes me at the end of the day. BUT i dont get the munchies, so its workin out great. plus its more money in our pockets. So im doing really well. its kinds odd to say this but....ive never been this sober and im still not totally sober yanno? idk. im excited about it. it makes me feel good knowing that i have self control. bc at times i know that i can be easily addicted to anything u put infront of me. thats scary to admit but its 100 percent tru.
ok yeah so thats it for right now. making progress y'all. ill update soon! kisses :)
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