To settle for less is not what i prefer

Happy Friday to all! I have a feeling it’s gunna be a pretty boring day. Not too much work going on since the holidays aren’t over yet. I’m not sure why I’m working new years eve if it’s gunna be slow but hey, you can’t always get what u want right?

I’ve been popping into amazon to track my bag for the past two days. I was kind of worried. I looked at the feedback of the seller and there were some negatives. Well just one complaint and that was that the person did not receive the item they wanted. So I got pretty nervous. But then again perhaps the person needed it on a specific day and didn’t get it then. I checked this morning and it should be there by lunch. SO exciting. I’m using an extremely small bag right now and it’s quite a pain. Nothing fits in it so I have to squeeze to close it. I’m a big bag person. Need to fit my whole life in a bag.

Brain’s younger brother came for an impromptu visit. Their dad is leaving tonight sometime and peter suggested he come down to spend some time before he heads back to phoenix. So today I awoke to someone on my couch. It’s not so bad as long as I keep everything clean and tidy. Since I for some reason have become ocd when it comes to that we should be fine. I have a few things to vent today, so let me spew away.

Something is deff. wrong with the crazy ex of mine. He wrote back apologizing incessantly and spewing a bunch of crap. Trying to make me understand him. Apparently he just came out of the hospital again. And I’m not really sure if I believe it. I do, but I just don’t understand how he can keep coming in and out of these places like a revolving door. If it’s this bad, then what the hell is his mother doing? What is he doing? Does he want help or not? Like I said before, I’ll be his friend. But I don’t want to understand anything. He can vent to me and that’s cool because if it makes him feel better he should do so. But the truth is that I will never understand what it’s like and there’s no way to really change that. I’m sorry that he’s sick in some way. But the only person who can make him better is himself. It’s like he wants to run but wants to stay. Such a tortured soul he has. It’s sad.

And yeah I found out those two girls from the other company hate me. They asked my coworker why he talks to me. Excuse me? Are we not on the heels of 2008? I think so, and it’s quite annoying to still find such ignorance. I’ve always gotten along with everybody despite race or gender. I’m proud of that. I’m glad that I get the same pleasantries. But these girls are thinking what? There’s this little white girl being chummy with a black guy. And I guess there’s something wrong with that. See this is what I’m talking about right here. What makes sense in the above situation is true here too. I will never know what it’s like to be them and they will never know what it’s like to be me. Maybe if they took the time they would like me. But all they see is the outer layer. A blank canvas, waiting to be judged. They are sad, jealous fools. And I wish this stuff didn’t bother me but it does. And it most likely will stay this way for the rest of my remaining years. It’s a pity. Just throw this world in the trash already.

We won't go until we got sum

Merry Hohoho to all! My holiday was all right. That’s really the only way to describe it. We had everyone over the house on xmas eve for cocktails and a buffet of yummy food. We took in our lonely Jews Mila and Alex for the evening. They enjoyed it. We had Brian’s dad dress up like Santa and hand out gifts. I sat on his lap. I had to. I haven’t done that since I was 5 or 6. I ate it up!

My apt was turned into a beer pong area so the guys could play. I got in on one game and I surprisingly did well up until the last cup. Yeah the guys beat us. But whatever. It was a close one. Then everyone started getting sloppy and spilling shit on my floor. Yes, I had tarps down but it was getting too much and I decided it was game over and cleaned up. The night ended with Uncle Matt drunk as a skunk refusing to get off the karaoke machine. Oh god…it was so funny and so horrible at the same time. Was in bed by 12:30.

Christmas day was pretty relaxed. Woke up feeling really sad like I did last year and put on the yule log while I made a cup of tea. Took a shower and watched “it’s a wonderful life” like I do every year. And yes, I cried like a little bitch. Again. God I love that movie. Spoke to the fam and went upstairs for dinner and dessert. Came back down and fell asleep on the couch at around 10. moved to the bedroom. Fin.

As for gifts I got a new bag, pair of shoes and some clothes. I have to return a sweater because its just too ugly on me. We got a new kick ass shower curtain and rug for the bathroom. Got a few board games and tons of pastries. I know it may not seem like much. But I’m actually pretty satisfied. I could always use more clothes u know? But there was nothing else I really wanted except for an ipod. And I think I’m getting that for my b day so I’m set. It’s weird how when u get older, you don’t really need too much.

I’ve still got some cash to spend. SWEET!

My nuts roasting on an open fireee

I am happy as heck today! Really, I have no idea why. I guess it’s the holidays. You know me and shopping, I could do that forever and it makes me feel like I’ve touched heaven. Luv it.

I think I’m just really anxious to start anew with my wardrobe. This weekend it’s on. I’ve been surfin the web and I have a clear picture in my mind as to what I want. Shopping sprees are just the shit.

I’m addicted to amazon.com. Why? Because I have no credit card and they accept bank accounts. I’ve been buying like a kitty on crack. It’s amazing. You can find anything you frikken want. I suggest it to all that don’t have the plastic. I bought a handbag this morning. Now I told my hubby that I wanted a coach one, but come on. That stuff is crazy expensive and I found one on this site for 30 bucks and it’s just as lovely. Some of the ones listed are horrid, but you just gotta browse. There was only one left so I jumped on it and called him to let him know. I think he was in the process of finding the one I wanted, but I find that if I’m gunna make myself over it shouldn’t be about labels. It’s about looking good no matter what cost. The trick is to fool them all.

I shouldn’t complain about this, but Brian making more money is bad on my figure. He keeps taking me out to dinner. God I love eating. Now that we can afford it, I’m going to join a gym again. I had great results when I went last time u know? This workout tape shit isn’t doing as much as I thought. I’d rather do the elyptical machine for a half hour like I use to. If they have classes im deff. gunna do that too. I’ll keep ya posted.

Gotta gooooooo

Quit it!

Dear Germs,

Why must you always pick on me? I know this sounds mean, but I don’t live alone u know. You could maybe once in a while give me a break right? I think so. Now I know I work in a cold warehouse but this is happening at least once a week. I’m getting in trouble for staying home and taking care of it, so now I have to suffer at work or else I will not get paid. I think that once I am done with this current disease, you should leave me alone. Because I’m sure that after this I’ll be getting my monthly frenemy since my body doesn’t like me either.

It’s not like I’m even rebelling against you. I’ve been home since this past weekend in bed hoping the next day will be better than the last. I am now in the stage where my nose is falling apart and I have to apply chap stick. And by the way, I only have cherry chap stick so I look like Rudolph. My co workers are taunting me with the song. And the smell of Lysol is making me nauseous.

Please….oh please….stop attacking me. Thank you.

Vanessa

Rainstorm, take me away from the norm

WTF? That is all I have to say to start this Monday morning. So I check my email and I have at least six or seven of them saying that Chris (yes…the ex….ugh remember that mess?) has sent me messages. I go and look, and he’s harassing me. I don’t know if he was drunk or what but he just starts going off saying I have no feelings, trying to get me to confess that I slept with this guy Sean I use to chill with, just ridiculous shit. That I just wanted him to call mine and to cuddle with. Do u see what the hell I’m saying?

Insanity. He had to be wasted. So whatever I wrote him back this big paragraph. I said that after reading all 75 or so messages this was all I had to say. (I will condense) Basically I just said that if he’s unhappy that’s not my problem .That he has no right to say that I have no feelings or that I didn’t care and that he wasn’t going to bully me into any confession he wanted to hear. If he’s not over it then I don’t know what to do, but that I’m really happy with what I’ve got now. He wasn’t there when I was crying wondering why he didn’t want to hang out with my friends, when he just wanted to stay home all the time. That love IS someone to call your own and to cuddle with. You other half. And that like I’ve said a million times before I forgave him long ago. I forgive because it preserves sanity. Harping on shit like that can make you mad. And that when he wants to stop acting like a jackass, I’ll be here if he needs me.

And maybe I should just stop being there ya know? I should have told him to fuck off. But I know he has issues. And it actually felt good putting him in his place. I don’t really think anyone close to him wants to say “Just get the fuck over it.” U know? So I did. He needs a reality check big time. If he ever wants to be happy then he needs to stop letting past events eat away at his soul. And he can get mad at me all he wants. But the truth remains the same. It would have never worked out. I want someone who can take care of me, who has responsibility, who can handle the real world. And he still has not reached any of that and probably wont ever. And it’s sad. Maybe he realizes that, and that’s why he gets so frustrated.

I mean I don’t know what he expects me to say in a message to him every day. Bitching that I only write one sentence. He reminds me of my mom. She calls every day when she knows nothing exciting in my life happens to talk about. What does he want me to do? Make up stuff. No. It’s same shit different day. Find more friends to talk to if I don’t have enough for you to breathe off of. He can be such a freak show. Seriously.

Besides that I’m sick again. Only this time it’s throat cold thing. I started off with a sore throat and now it’s a cough. I caught it early though. I’ve been drinking that emergenC stuff, taking drops, and lathering myself in vapo rub. Chilled out for most of the weekend. Omg…I’m really becoming an old hag.

I can only give you country walks in springtime...

Yup so yesterday was a total mess. I think I kind of needed it to be. I had all this frustration about life, about me.

And I think I just needed to spew it all out and cry. Which I did. And today, it’s weird but I feel a lot better. And I know it’s also strange to say this but I spoke to Brian about it and he actually helped. I know man, I know.

I’m very much in denial of growing up and seeing how fast it goes is scaring the bajesus outta me. It’s not the way it use to be at all. Everyone I care about is distant, even if they are right around the corner u know? Everyone’s got their own plans, and I feel so left behind sometimes. I’ve got two that I see once a week and that should be good but it’s not because I just miss us all knowing everything going on with one another. And then the other friend is away further and I only know a hint of what going on in her blog. Momo! I have no idea what’s going on with her, what she does at this new job, how things are going at the new place, the holiday plans, what she dreams of for the future.

I just want everyone to come back. And I know it can’t, only forwards. No going backwards. But it would be nice.

I seriously only go out once a week. And lately I’ve been staying in on weekends too. Everyone calling me lame cuz I wanna get dropped off lol. I don’t know why. I like to sleep? I do, I don’t know man. Maybe I just like being home. I like the place to be clean, I like to watch the things I taped the previous day while I eat dinner and wait for Brian to come home so that I have someone to sit next to me.

I think I’m just tired of partying it up. And that sounds doubly strange cuz I use to pound down a pint in a minute and move on to the next. Something that I am deff proud of. Who can say they can drink guys under the table? You can thank my dad for that one. I think it has something to do with that too. I’m fully aware of my own addictions, weather it be substance or emotional. And I’m just tired of letting them take over. And last weekend I was just done. I didn’t feel like drinking and I just wanted to go home. I know I’ve said it countless times, but I’ll continue to do so for the rest of my life. And so will everyone else. I’m going to try to be better. And I guess the test will come tomorrow. I think I can do it. Irene is a great person to talk to. She’s seems a lot like me and I think she would have a lot of good input for me. His whole family loves to drink, but I think I’ll be alright with her. I’ll be eating dinner with her and maybe I’ll just have wine. That makes me sleepy. It’s when I don’t eat that it becomes a problem. I can’t say that I’m not worried about it still because I am. I don’t wanna fall anymore. But at the same time I have to think of it this way, She can’t drink a lot because we have to pick up her daughter at ten. So probably by that time I’ll be sleepy and wanna chill out at home. It’s restrictions that I need. And the only person to set them is me. And that’s a lot tougher of a task then it sounds.

I lied about Barry Manilow. I think I just liked the way he sang one of those Christmas songs I heard on the radio yesterday. And copa cabana. But everyone likes that one. Sorry about that. It’s a Rod Stewart kind of day. Feelin good man. Feelin good.

But if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.

It’s been so boring here at work that I just don’t know what to do with myself. Yesterday I would have bought a magazine if I hadn’t read them all already. Lol. I ended up getting a very large can or Redbull instead. Something I totally regretted later on.

Since I’ve made the decision to take caffeine out of my life it’s been pretty grand. I drink water mostly and find that when I’m thirsty that’s the only thing I’ll really gravitate towards. Gotta say, a cold glass of water sure makes me complete :p

But now when I have Redbull I’m like a damn kitty on crack. Seriously, I think it’s liquid cocaine. It makes me go to the bathroom constantly and I’m just pumped up and really jolly. It’s pretty crazy. I had it around lunch time at work and I didn’t start to crash until about 9ish over at Thom’s house. I felt like such a tard, I was like “Sorry guys, I had a Redbull today and I’m pretty hyped. Sorry if I’m talking way too much or just have way too much energy than u two.” And then I crashed hardcore. I was ready to hit the sack by 10. So I’ve decided that I’m going to have to part ways with Redbull for awhile. Gosh it’s so tasty, but the feeling of my heart jumping out of my chest isn’t fun. Geez, can’t I have anything for myself besides chocolate? Wait I have the XXX vitamin water. That doesn’t seem to let me down. I never would have thought I would like that stuff. How fetti of me.

So I’m still pretty grumpy. I’m thinking it’s cuz I’m not with the fam. Every year around this time I get lonely. Also, I’m getting discouraged with the whole weight issue. I feel like no matter how much working out I do nothing is happening. I see a difference but it’s not what I want really. I don’t know. The problem is that I need a whole new wardrobe. I’m getting a shopping spree for Christmas again so that’s good. I think that I just need to accept the fact that bodies change in time and that it’s not always so easy. I’ve decided that I’m going to completely change my style. I couldn’t figure it out for awhile u know? For some reason when it comes to finding myself in all aspects of life, I have a hell of a time figuring it out. I spend so much time wanting what someone else has, when I should really be paying attention to the things that make me who I am. Like Gwen Stefani for instance. I want all of that! I want to be that. The style she’s got, the laid back attitude. But then I think about it, and I could never pull off the outfits she puts together.
If I tried I would end up looking like a painting on LSD.

I’ve decided to start being more dressy. More dress pants and nice shirts. I do work in my own office and maybe I should start dressing a little bit more professional again. It makes me feel good and I look nice too. I’ll still have the jeans and such, but I’ve been really starting to think like Tim Gunn. I like looking a little bit older and put together. Now all I wear is baggy shirts and jeans. I don’t think I give myself enough credit is what I’m saying. If I just take a little more time in what I chose to wear it will make a big difference. I’m pretty excited about it.

I think that I’m going to add Barry Manilow to my list of guilty pleasures. Hell to tha yeah. Laterrrrr

Christmas came early

Oooooooook. So, It happened. She was really pregnant. Apparently around 4am today she went to the hospital and they had a c section. My only problem now is this. She said she was having twin boys right? I find out that they are both girls. Then I find out that one did not make it. That sounds odd to me. If you pregnant you have to go to the doctor all the time. You would know for sure what the sex of the baby is if you found out ahead of time no? So the conclusion I’ve drawn up is that she knew all along that she was going to have one child. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say that. But then again maybe I’m wrong. I have not heard from her sister yet. She was also skeptical of this so when I had spoken with her she was on the way to the hospital. I’m sure I will know what the deal is sometime later.

I still can’t help but feel that way ya know? There’s only so many times you can cry wolf. And she has since we were 9 years old. I feel like I have the right, but I feel like total crap at the same time.

Maybe she did really have 2. Everyone who knows her knows she doesn’t take the greatest care of herself. So maybe that’s why. Maybe she smoked. I don’t know. But I’m happy and sad at the same time. If she lost one of two, then I feel horrible. Losing a little human being who’s been growing inside you for 9 months is devastating. I just wish I had the number to her room so I could talk to her.

It’s really odd this feeling. I’m happy as hell to have a little one to see when I go down there. But I still don’t believe a damn thing. God, I am rotten.

mmmmm fake pine smell

Ahhh yes. Christmas is coming quickly. It's so bizarre how time flys.
I know i said that i would try to be a big girl and send out cards this year, but i deffinately fibbed in that. I'm in protest of cards.
It's not that i don't appreciate them or enjoy getting one. I just know that once christmas is over it goes in the garbage. Waste of paper you know? I think its nice when you get one from someone you never see because at least you know your in their thoughts. But why not just make a quick phone call or text. That does the same thing, without the use of postage (depending on the phone plan you have ;p).
The way i see it is this: i don't really like to use my phone or send out mail. It takes me forever to delete voice mails cuz i just don't give a crap. The only thing i like is texting. I do all my bills online so i don't need to send anything out. It's the technology man. I can easily put some seasons greetings on a bullitin on myspace, post a blog, emails, etc.
So yeah, I'm sorry if it might not seem as personal and you would like it. But hey, if we're close youll hear from me. And if not, then you know i care enough to wish you happy holidays in a round about way. Either way, i hope everyone has a good holiday. So no complaints on how i do it lol. BLAME THE INTERNET.
I'm not sure why i get so bajiggity about cards, but it do. And i feel bad about throwing them away but saving them is no good. I don't like being a pack rat at all. And with every occasion comes a card. i think if i saved every card i got thus far i wouldnt be able to move in my apt. Ok thats probably a lie, but you get my drift. I dont even know why i wrote about this. im weird.
Otherwise... nothing new in my life really. Same shit different day. Thats the way life goes. It's awesome like that. Yeahhhhhh later :)

Hell no you can't shit on mah turkey!

I'd like to know why everyone thinks this is the week to fuck with me. Cuz seriously, the next time something happens...whomever causes it is getting punched in the face.
First i've got that idiot of a guy texting me trying to start nonsense. And then i guess becuase it doesn't go his way he decided to key the car with what is suppose to look like a penis and balls, but instead looks like an ice cream cone. Yeah, dumbass did it with a pen. And throws and egg...but on the tire......can someone tell me how thats suppose to be damaging? Unfortunately for him, what happened was the best damn thing that happened to me. My relationship is so solid. I am so flippin happy its crazy. My man has this great new job where he's gone to the point where i actually appreciate him when he gets home. I miss him. I cherish those quick times i get with him. So fuck off. Your the deadbeat. And you gunna spend the rest of your life with a woman who adores the crap outta you...and youll never appreciate it the way she wants you too. I'll bet on it even.
Then i get a new atm card and a pin code. i go to the store to make a purchase and look like a total asshole because the code is apparently incorrect. So great, no purchase made and i walk out the door feeling hotness on my face because i clearly look like i either didn't have the money or i didn't know my own pin code. And of course my bank closes early, so it's the drive though until friday.
Then i go to the bathroom and it's locked. Which is fine, but one of the new girls from the other company for some reason hates me. Her and her friend....i just don't get it. I walk in every morning and say "Good morning" and even though they use to say it back they dont anymore. It's like when i walk past they wanna trash me and i don't know why. Actually, i do. Because every damn girl that sorts mail over there looks at me and thinks of me as a dumb rich white girl. I don't do a damn thing but be polite and i get shit on for it. All i really want is for people to be fuckin courteous. So what if i don't sort mail all day? just cuz i do something different from the rest in no way means i'm any better. My life was never a bed of roses, i didn't get thing handed to me. i've worked for it just like everyone else. And all they can do is dislike me. It's just fuckin nonsense. Thats what this is about. I'm getting really irritated with nonsense and the people who inflict it. JUST BECAUSE YOUR A MISERABLE SON OF A BITCH DOESN'T MEAN YOU GET TO RAIN ON MY PARADE.
I'm going to get out of work and i'm gunna run some errands for tomorrows festivites. And it's gunna be great tomorrow. Eating and drinking with family. it's a four day weekend and i'm starting it right with cocktails later. I'm done venting. I just have to keep reminding myself that what goes around comes around. And that it will be ok. so yeah...happy turkey day guys and dolls. Hope urs is filled with as much love as mine. Bye :)

I'd like the J Lo Booty-Torso combo to go please!

Ok it's been awhile so i need to update. i'll condense:
My Great uncle passed last saturday from kidney failure. He also had pancreatic cancer. So my mom and Nana are in Fl packing up some things. I have bouts of depression but not too bad. or at least right now. But last week i wasn't well at all. It had been the one year anniversary of my friends passing on Friday, so when i got the call the next day i wasn't exactly about to throw a party. I didn't realize how bad it had affected me until i saw who i was taking it out on. I had a mini breakdown and since then i've been relatively sane and feeling upbeat. I've just been trying to think of positive stuff and trying to put them at ease. Otherwise theres nothing much that i can say or do.
My car had also gone to the crapper that week so it didn't really help my mood. Needed brakes and the window needed fixing. Now thats all taken care of so we're good to go.
As for me, it depends on the day. Today i'm all right. Nothing really exciting going on. like i've said before, my life is full of melbaliciousness. I guess thats why i get frustrated. I'm always looking for something to change it somehow. Some kind of progression. And i'm not a patient person by any means. I'm a New Yorker, The state where everyone's bat shit crazy and always in a hurry wether it comes to work or getting your nails done. NOTHING is done fast enough for any of us. And we get cranky and rude because of it. New Yorker = Prince/Princess. Thats the way it is. We're a big bunch of brats, especially when we don't get our way. So i guess thats what the deal is with me. I want everything and i want it all right now. And i know it's impossible but i don't care. As much as i say "Ok, one step at a time" Theres the flip side where i don't want to wait or make the effort in the progression process and i get bitchy. Then it subsides and i realize it's tough shit on my part and i need to get over myself. Like a little child. Pathetic i know. But....I bet i'm not alone.
So i have to focus on the here and now. And that consists of work, cook, eat, clean, sleep, repeat. The baby steps include the car working and a bonus check.
That bonus check btw, will be going to shopping. I know that i should put it towards other things, but you know what? the man can take a look at the bird i'm flippin cuz i don't give a rats ass. I use to shop all the time and being that the man likes to take me down i havent really been doing much of that lately. So it's time to get somethings i need. It's become chilly here and i need more long sleeved tops and a pair or two of pants. Plus, shopping makes me happy lol.
So i made up a new word. i gotta say, i am so flippin good at it that i should just start making T shirts and sell them. I could become a millionaire. Righttt. Anyways, when describing something thats a shock or surpise...i am now going to say "Thats so Fetti" Yes, as in confetti. You know, it's like WEEEE what a surpise! And the surprise could either be a good one or shocking, but either way it's like someone took a fist full of confetti and threw it in ur face. Pretty awesome right?
My god ness, you are so fetti. Fuck urban dicitonary! IAM URBAN DICTIONARY

We're just ordinary people, you and me. Time will turn us into statues eventually.

Hey hey all! So right now at work it's pretty slow. And i know i say this when it's boring, but i wish it would pick up a little bit. It's going by at a constant pace but theres free space in between where i have no clue as to what to do with myself. it blows.
I really wanna move. i want to start the next chapter of my life. I'm almost 24. My personal clock is ticking. i wanted to at least be married by 25 so i can start squeezing out some kids. So lets get a move on k? thanks.
We have already begun making plans on moving down to Florida within the next year. We have been checking out condos online and jobs. We would like to live somewhere around the west palm beach area. The towns surrounding it have cheap prices and we would be close to his friend Richie and his wife. It's not that i don't want to be near the fam. I do, but not too close u know? space is good.
What i find strange is how things fall into place sometimes. My great uncle is not well right now. It pretty much looks as though he has prostate cancer. We aren't really sure if it spread to his kidneys but it most likely has. He's going on dialysis before they start treating the cancer because the kidneys are failing. So once that starts i suppose they can look more closely to see. But either way it isn't good at all. And thats sad. He's the only relative my grandma has left and he is her older brother. I know she's not doing well but she covers it up real good. My mom is ok i guess. She is how she usually is when something like this happens, just riding the wave. But i know it bothers her. They would visit him and go out to dinner. I know she's relatively close. But she's in touch with reality, she knows the outcome will either way be bad.
Whats odd to me is that this is happening right, and we are thinking about moving down in the area he's at. My mom said to me yesterday "Now i'm not wishing anything upon him, but if he goes he's paid off his mobile home. All he pays for is the land it sits on and maintenance. That would be a good start for you guys." And yeah i mean it would. But i'm his great neice and thats not even my place to say to ask. So we are just gunna have to wait this out and see. She said she thinks that she might be in the will because he had mentioned something to her about it. Who knows whats going to happen though. I know with my luck, someone else will take it. But if the cards fall nicely then i guess that would be cool. But what would really be cool would be that he gets well. I've already lost someone so dear to me from cancer and i don't want to go through that again. it's a miserable time. And even though i'm not close with him i know him well enough to be bothered. I hope they can add some time. i really do. It's scary.
Otherwise, there's nothing else too crazy going on in my life. There never really is these days. Just life. Sleep, work, eat, repeat. Pretty melba. In the dictionary under melba toast they should put Vanessa's life. That would be sweet.

Behind the boat house, i'll show you my dark secret.

Hidey ho! All right, so i'm now back in my office with working equipment which is fantastic. i felt so out of place and disorganized going back and forth. Plus i can listen to music in here. Gosh office, i have missed you so.
I got a phone. it's a pretty nice phone. some kind of samsung shit that has TV. I know, it sounds flippin awesome, but i sampled the TV section and it's not really all it's hyped up to be. So i guess it's a good thing i didn't add that to the plan. But it is a nice phone and all the features on it are pretty cool. It's a pretty large flip phone. I'm thinking that was done to accomodate the TV crap. But it's thin. I like it. I'm gunna get a case for it in lavender crock print. SWEETNESS.
What else is new? nothing really. I had a breakdown the other day. Not because of anyone or anything in particular. I'm just fed up with working so hard for so little. I just get discouraged with just getting by u know? i know i'm not in this boat alone, but it's frustrating none the less. I just have to remind myself that i would be making more money if i didn't ask for a loan from my job. And i'll be done paying that off by november. So if i can just hold on it will be alot easier to pay bills in the future. Sometimes i wish i could just not give a crap about bills. But unfortunately it's a way of life. I think i've become a bit more laxed, but not completely. Now when i'm late paying the bill i just have to tell myself that it's ok if it's late a week. I'm sure there are alot of people in this world who don't pay at all. So i'm getting there. Baby steps.
Bri got a burned copy of the new Foo Fighters album. I gotta say, i flippin love them. They have to be one of my faves. They deffinately are up there with Bon Jovi and incubus. If i could get a chance to see them play it would be rockin. They were doing and intimate concert in the city that you could only win tics through a radio station. Brian almost got it too, so it blows. You had to be caller 92 and he was 91. It figures with our luck right? It would have been cool, but hopefully when they go on tour again we can go. But yea, the new album is just as good as the others. They are just talented motherfuckers man. I love them.
I'm counting down the days. 22 more days and it will be a year. It's been a year already. God, how quickly it goes. And i still think of you all the time. And i still think that you've gone away somewhere fun and that you'll be back. It's so odd...this waiting feeling. When i think about it like this, i just get so bothered. I really wish i had done or said things differently. I wish i had said "Hey girl, u maybe wanna hang out and talk sometime?" I should have been better. I should have tried more. I should have kept telling her that she was scaring me rather than saying it once. But then again, she knew and maybe she just didn't care. And maybe just being there would have never been enough. And i guess knowing that makes me sad. There was so much i didn't know. She left me with all these questions. I just hope she knows i was always there even if i didnt show it. I did care. And still do. I just miss her.
It's cloudy out. What a bummer. Fo sho.

I wanna get away to our sweet escape

Hola folks. Things have been so so since my last blog. i know...what a bitchfest that was.
I waterlogged my phone so i am once again cut off form the world. not that anyone really calls me anyways. mostly family, so i'm kinda bummed. hopefully i can get another one soon.
My diet thingy is going good still. i have not had a cup of coffee the whole time and im quite proud of that. cuz i really crave one every morning. My stomach shrank and i don't really eat in excess like i use to. so thats pretty sweet. my rings fit easier and my hips have gone down a bit. it's exciting. i still want a whopper like whoa. maybe this weekend i can cheat.
Putting in the OT at work so i can pay my bills with ease. im getting double time for the holiday. As much as i want the cash i kind of wanna go home a little early. We shall see.
My ex boyfriend whom i still remain friends with is back in rehab for a month. I speak with him via myspace. I really feel bad for the guy. He's soo good and then he falls so hard. I really hope things get better for him. i think that us speaking helps. i actually wrote him a letter so maybe that will cheer him up. im sure its pretty lonely in there. and when your lonely it's nice to know someone's around that thinks of u.
otherwise nothing else new. busy at work and my comp is defunct. makes things alittle difficult. My IO is hooked up and you have no idea how much that excites me. i can tape things again and get all the awesome channels. Brian and i watched "What Perez Says" and i think Brian likes him. we were hysterical. hopefully he has another show soon. i would sooo chill with perez. he's my kind of people. And i know i have this strange attraction to older men. i cant help it and i know it's odd. I'm finding brett michaels to be sexy at times. maybe it's just the show. i have no idea whats going on with me sometimes lol.
As soon as i got up this morning i had gwen's "Sweet escape" in my head. i'm straightening my hair and in my head im like "i've been gettin alittle lazzy, waitin fo u to come savve me." it was pretty rad. Good morning man. good morning indeed.

Belief builds from scratch. Doesn't have to relax, doesn't need space.

All i feel like doing is crying today. i get angry and then it turns to sadness. I feel so alone. And i keeping wondering why. If things were gunna be the same then why arent they? Truth is, i am replaced. Or missed. Which of the two i'm not sure. I'm around. i'm here for anyone if they need me. But noone does anymore. And if i'm asked how i am all i can say is fine. because i don't think anyone really wants to hear it. I feel like everyone thinks i need permission to do things. i feel like noone wants my company because of who i love. And i feel like it's the most unfair thing in the world. it's not suppose to be that way. i bet nothing would have been so awkward if i had done what everyone wanted. is it that noone understand my view? i dont get it. You can call and ask to hang out and we can make some time. i always have the time to make. But when i call there is none. and it always ends the same..."Well ok, ill be home if u wanna chill." and the night ends with me falling asleep on the couch way too early. I just feel punished. i'm sick of this place. i'm sick of everything. i wanna know when the man upstairs if gunna throw me a fuckin bone. when lord, are you gunna throw some kind of luck my way. when am i gunna pick up the phone and hear "Hey, if ur not doing anything maybe we can hang and chat". When are you going to give me someone or something to confide in instead of bitching on a blog that noone gives a damn about? you know what? when r u gunna send some people my way who want to give a damn about me?

Slave appreciation day

I know that everyone who’s ever been on diet knows this, but I guess I’ll just feel better saying it again. Dieting sucks ass. I love to eat. Everyone loves to eat. And I know I can learn to enjoy making healthier choices, but right now it blows. I guess because it’s my second day.

I did the military tape. I’m not too sore surprisingly. It’s a really good tape and I kind of enjoy working out with it. What I plan on doing is incorporating both the military tape and tae bo into my schedule. Today I will most likely go to happy hour and then come home to do the tae bo since that is less time. Now I know that having a drink and then going home seems ass backwards but hey, if u want ur drinks cheap u gotta go before 7. it’s not like I’m gunna get smashed.

Even on vacation I didn’t get ridiculously smashed except for one day. Since then it’s been beer, but I find it so filling I just can’t keep doing it. If anything I’ll have liquor. Yesterday I had one drink and went home. Went to have a glass of wine but passed out mid glass. I’m beginning to be such a granny. I’m trying to be good with it. I know I don’t do well with liquor so I only have 2 at the most. I actually find getting a slight buzz a lot more fun than getting crazy. I don’t think my body can really handle that. I shouldn’t be consuming too much of it anyways with this diet crap and all.

You know what I had today so far? I had peaches and cream oatmeal and a big mug of decaf tea. Yeah, I’m still cutting back on that too. I was doing well with it until I went away. Then every morning I had coffee with my mom so I kind of screwed myself. The first day I got back to work my head was killing me. I know that it was also due to change in weather and what not but it was splitting. And it was my new start in cutting back so I guess my body was going into a shock of some sort. They have subsided, but I gotta say… decaf tea isn’t really that tasty. I mean it resembles tea, but more watery. Ugh. at least the oatmeal was good. But my body is use to me shoving a bagel in it for breakfast, which everyone should know is a big no no. A bagel equals to four slices of bread and adding cream cheese instead of butter is even worse. So right now I’m starving. I want a whopper real bad. But I can’t. I’ve been so good with that. Ok I lied I had one in Florida. But just one. So I can’t get into the habit. God I love them whoppers.

My co worker Ryan always manages to find a way to say that being plump is cute. I told him I was back to getting in shape cuz I stuffed myself while I was away and he was like “Its ok you got a little turtle shell. Fat is back, you don’t wanna look hungry.” Which is absolutely true. But I don’t want a turtle shell either lol. While I enjoy turtles and the shells they have, I don’t really think it’s cute of me to have one. But it was a cute way to put it.

I am now going to list my guilty pleasures. Cheese, whoppers, pickles, and Bon Jovi.

I’m gunna play the lotto and if I win…I’m going to eat a whopper with cheese along with my favorite pickles, which I’ll buy at Waldbaums, while listening to Bon Jovi.WISH ME LUCK

I wish my lawn were emo, so it would cut itself.

Holy moly! It’s been way too long huh? I’m slackin the in update department. My apologies.

So I went on vacation to see the fam. I had a really good time. But I was extremely busy so I was pretty beat towards the end of my stay. Rayna woke us up every morning and I got kisses and I love yous like whoa. God I miss that girl. She’s gotten so big its scary. She tells you what she wants or doesn’t want. She’s just a ball of energy. And yet I remember rocking her to sleep when she was a little blob of mush. I can see it so clearly. How time flies…

My dad came by for a day. It was nice to have everyone together for a bit. It’s so weird how your mood can completely change by someone else just being around. I think we were all happy to have some time. It was really nice. We took the four hour drive over to Boca to see Richey, Lauren, and their baby. He’s getting so big too. We went out for dinner and when we went for drinks I could hardly keep my eyes open. I crashed early. We saw Lisa and Victoria. Victoria is now 17. I hate it. Don’t you just hate when you have those moments where you say to yourself “Ahhhh….to be 17 again. God I remember.” UGH. A BIG BOWL OF UGH THAT IS. I’m getting older and I’m slowly starting to see it for what it is. No, I haven’t accepted it yet. But it seems like soon I wont have the choice lol. it’s getting scarier by the day. You just don’t every imagine yourself getting older u know? and then you play catch up on people you haven’t seen in years and then it hits you like a Mac truck. It’s like BAM! You’re past that hunny, there’s no going backwards. Onlyyy forwards. God that blows. Then you remind yourself that your hips are widening so u can’t eat whoppers anymore. You can’t drink a lot of beer cuz you get bloated and the most wicked heartburn ever. It’s like…shoot me now.
So besides my extreme denial in the aging process, nothing else is new. Gunna start working out again today. Only I’m using this basic training military tape from 1991. sweet. It’s gunna hurt but I need to do it. I ate so much crap while I was away I can just feel my stomach expansion. The tape is an hour long. So I’m thinking I will do that 3 times a week. With the other tape it was only a half hour so I did it more often. I’m gunna switch it up I think as well. Lord please keep me focused yet again so I can look good. Thanks. Ur my bitch. Gotta go, gotta do a little thing called work. byeee

They say turtles taste good...but i'd never try!

The backlash: Part 1

So Sunday I got a voicemail from Amy. It’s one of those “Don’t contact me ever again” messages. I’m guessing she knows I spoke with him through the rough patch.

Now what he said however, I will never know. But from what I’ve gathered from the Monday email, it’s all on me. But I should have expected him to throw me under the bus to save his ass. If he wants to stay with someone he doesn’t like then god speed. But I ended things as mature as possible. And then I find out that he’s the one telling everyone what happened at a block party. Like it’s a big scoop. I’m such a foolish girl. Cuz I remember him blabbin about Amy telling everyone. For someone as old as he is, you would think he would be a man and take some responsibility.

I could have started a war when I replied to the email. But I didn’t. I’m fed up with the BS ya know? It’s not like I didn’t tell Brian all of that already. So I don’t feel threatened. He talked a lot of smack about Amy that would surely put him in the gutter if she wasn’t so on cloud nine with him. Cuz I know if I said anything she wouldn’t believe it. Mitch wouldn’t say those things, you know.

But yeah, I replied asking why she told me not to contact her yet she’s the one emailing me. I apologized and said that I was confused and that’s why I distanced myself. That Mitch knew I did that. And that the feelings were mutual unless he told her otherwise. I stopped all contact and I hope if they are going to work things out that they go well and goodbye.

It’s not worth it because there are three sides to every story. He said, She said, and the truth which always seems to be a grey area. People are going to think whatever they want. The only thing I can do is be real with it. If I stay the better person and go on with my life not blabbing to the world about it then I’m sure people will know what kind of person I am from that.

Things have gotten a lot better lately. We are expressing ourselves more. He’s been stepping up in all areas. What’s kind of nice is that he’s been coming to bed with me the last couple nights. Usually, he’d stay up playing video games and I would wake him up at 3 to come to bed. Maybe he realized how tired he would be from that. I’m not really sure. But it’s just nice to hear him say “I’m tired I’m coming to bed too.” Even if he doesn’t go to bed right away it’s nothing like it was. I wake up and he’s next to me. Pretty cool.
I miss my niece.

Thank you may i please have another?

I’ve been pretty irritated these last couple days. I feel like I’m not allowed to write anything here anymore. And that shouldn’t be.

Have you ever just been so sad and disappointed? I feel counted out and pushed to the side. I have all this free time, and no friends to share it with. Everyone’s movin on, they got their own lives to live. I should be ok with it I guess. But I’m not. And I feel like asking for more time would be annoying. And I don’t want to annoy anyone. So I guess doing nothing is ok.

I feel cheated yet again. I don’t know what others are saying about me. Well, I know some…and I’ll just leave it at that. And that makes it worse.

But I press on u know. I make the effort to try to connect. Maybe everyone needs the space I’ve got. Perhaps letting things settle will help. I’m not sure.

Is it because I didn’t express that I appreciate you? Because I do, I appreciate everything you have done and do for me. I still love you more than all the designer handbags in the world. And that’s a lot of handbags. U guys know I would die for one. So that shows a lot lol.
And I know the opinions. And I accept them. Nothing has changed in my eyes. And I hope that it hasn’t in yours. I hope and pray. I feel like a little bit is lost. I just wish this could work. I feel like I could explain why I’m still where I am a hundred times and no one will understand it. But then again, maybe I shouldn’t have to explain. Maybe acceptance is all I want. No, I want acceptance with no change in personality. And maybe that’s just too much to beg for right now. But know that I miss it. And know that I won’t stop trying to make u smile. And maybe in time I won’t have to try so hard anymore.

If you like pina coladasss

Hi all! What a nice day! It’s gunna be hot for the next seven days. I’m excited. Fo sho.

So…can I say “I told you so” now? Your probably wondering why so I will explain.

I’m not a fan of standing under train stations and I get very bajiggity when I cross a bridge. I’ve always said to my friends and fam that I don’t trust them things for beans and that one day they’re all gunna collapse. So yeah….told ya so. Maybe if I had made a public announcement about my thesis on the matter maybe it would have done something. Probably not. People would watch it and be like “Is this girl hitting the meth?”

Only in my dreams babies, only in my dreams

“We’ll have a least one good year of people inspecting the bridges after this happened.” AMEN. But you know what? They should have done that all along. I fucking knew it man. Some bridges have so much rust its impossible not to wonder why it hasn’t collapsed. Seriously.

You know what I realized? In November it will almost be a year without contact with Courtney. Wow man. That went by fast. But I gotta say, it’s more of a good thing to me. She’s not around to irritate me with her irrational behavior. I remember her frustrating me with her drama. The guys…god she picked ass wads. I mean, I’m going out with an ass wad. But my god…all the different ones she had were all ass wads. The girl just wanted to be loved. Ehhh…it’s a gray area.

And October will be a year that Charlsie is gone. I still miss that crazy lady. I really do. She was one firecracker man. Speaking of that, Alex will be returning from Buffalo and going back to school in December. I think he just needed to get away from all of the crap that surrounded him at the time. He needed to mourn and move on with life. I think it’s a good idea to just pick up and start a new life for a while. Now he’ll be back to not working lol. If only we all could do that. Lucky bastard. I think it’s good for Brian too. He missed him a lot. I think we all did. I know Alex said he really missed being here so it should be nice. He was kind of the glue that held us together. He’s the one to motivate us to go out weather it be to queens or just anywhere in general. We’ve deffinately been home a lot more since he’s been gone. I believe they are going to start some kind of musical project when he comes back. So that should be nice.

Boy am I irritated. There’s always something ya know? It’s all good. I have a new method of dealing with this. I’m just gunna take a deep breath. Because I know what’s what. And if I know it, then nothing can touch me. Nobody can shake me. And I’m finding that’s a good way to be. Everyone should try it this way. Cuz I’m not even angry. I feel like I’m getting smarter about life by the minute. It’s pretty cool.
My boss is tardy today. Boo.

Be with myself and center, clarityyy

Perhaps some clarification is needed.

This is my blog. This is my safe haven. I write how I feel. It’s not to cause fights. I’m the last person that wants that. I think maybe 3 people read this or even know about it. And even though others can read this, I’m not that popular. And I like it that way. I feel comfortable here.

Sometimes I vent before problems are even solved. Such is the case in my last entry. I’m not going to apologize for what I write at the time that I write it. I was angry and upset over something I misunderstood. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone. No one should be taking what I write and turn it into something else. I’m not doing this start fires. That’s not a hobby I partake in.

If you are interested in what I have to say then read this with an open mind. If your going to get annoyed at me for what I say then don’t. Because I’m not going to stop expressing myself. The problems I have always seem to get solved weather I’ve vented about it on this thing or not. And it’s not a great feeling when things get rehashed because of it. The last thing I wanna do is give someone a hard time. So I’m sorry to those who thought otherwise.

As for today I’m feeling ok. It’s gorgeous out and I’m not cramping at this time. Yea, I’m shedding. It sucks. Yesterday it occurred to me that women are crazy. Some kind of satanic robot if you will. I thought of it like this: Every month for four days I bleed constantly. Now, does that sound safe to u? hell no man. It kind of scares me a bit. Wow, I scare myself. That’s kinda funny. But do u get it? I mean what does a guy have like that? I tell ya, I think we got the raw end of the deal. Yesterday I was in so much pain I was getting the chills. I was exhausted. It’s like fighting a war. Ugh.

I’m going back to the tae bo after my war is over. I’m excited but not. When I’m into working out I’m pretty dedicated. But when I start after a while of not doing it, it’s like pulling teeth. But what can ya do. One day I’ll be consistent.

So I’m getting a coach bag. I find that to be awesome. Peter does plumbing for one of the guys that work there and he gets half off. So I’m gunna take advantage of that. The only really nice bag I have is my L.A.M.B. bag. Today I will pick one out. It’s gunna be sweet. Maybe I can get a matching wallet too. Double sweet. I’m such a fashion whore.
I’m feelin lonely.

So there's no support huh? i get it.

You seem so flipping angry. And I don’t get it. And I’m not the only one that doesn’t get it either.

I think it would be shitty to not stand by me. I’ve always been there for you. You know that.

I don’t know if this is because it hits home with you. If it is you know I understand that.

But why take this anger out on me? Why do you feel like I won’t make the best decision for myself? do what makes me happy?

Don’t take your issues out on me when I have enough on my plate. I would never be angry at any decision you make. And that counts in the present tense too. I’ll respect you no matter what. And I’ll never leave your side. Because I would never want you to leave mine.

If it’s shitty that I didn’t say this to you rather than just be by myself to think things through than I’m sorry. It was shitty. You shouldn’t have to hear it from someone elses mouth. But you know what? Besides that I’ve done nothing to you. I’m not arguing with you. I’m not angry with you. I have no reason to be. So whatever’s going on with you I just have no fuckin clue about. But I’m bothered at the fact that everyone’s gunna just drop away. That’s how it seems. And I’m mad as heck. Because it’s just not fair. It’s just not what a friend would do.

You wanna throw how many years away because I might not side with you opinion?
I guess that’s fine. I have no other choice than to be fine with that. The balls in your court. Cut the cord and support. Whatever you need to do.

They cut off my legs. Now im an amputee, god damn you.

Reality has set in. I’m done with being silent about the issues we have. The breakdown I had yesterday made me realize that I’m not as ok with this as I thought. And I’m rethinking things yet again.

I’m upset with those who think I can’t handle these things by myself. I don’t need anyone else adding pressure to my life by being annoyed with my true feelings and how I handle them. If you were a good friend you would stick by me no matter what the conclusion may be. Just because I’m unsure doesn’t mean I think I’m the bad guy. It doesn’t mean I’m brainwashed. It means I’m human and that I’m allowed to change my mind if that’s what I want.

I jumped into things too quickly. But today I have some clarity. Only some though. What I know is this: I don’t really want to start over. I don’t want to find someone else to grow with and have a family with. I know things he’s done have been completely shitty and undeserved. I believe he is genuinely sorry and wants me to be happy weather it’s with him or not. I thought I wanted to see what was out there and figure out these mixed feelings. And I kind of have. Besides lust I don’t see a future there. I will get bored just like I did the ups guy. The novelty fades. And my love for him is still here. So I don’t know.

I’ve been just angry and sad all jumbled into one since every things gone down. I’m happy I haven’t held back from him on how I’ve been feeling. It feels good and I’ve been eating a lot more now.
I’m willing to let go of the anger and sadness to try things out. if things don’t change I’ll leave. But for right now I want to try. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give another chance. It’s still in talking stages. I’m seeing if things can be changed. I’m just ready to talk. So we shall see. And at this point, I can’t care about what everyone else wants me to do. I have to figure out what will make me happy. So I’m sorry if u r displeased or disappointed. But it is what it is. And I love you regardless.

u can rely on the old mans money

I know what you all want me to do. It’s easier said than done. And since it’s all in my hands, I’ll decide. And it may not be the solution u want.

Because I try to make things work. That’s just the way I am and always will be. It’s been so long that trying to make things work seems right to me. Giving someone a second chance just feels right to me. And maybe that means I’m an idiot.

He knows how I feel. I told him today because it couldn’t wait. Because I’m becoming physically ill. And I know I’m his world. I’m everything. He is the same to me too.

Truth is I don’t know how the rest of this convo will go. But if u need some kind of answer, I could go either way. And I’m getting this pressure from all sides to choose a certain direction and I just can’t. I can’t worry about anybody but myself. And I guess no one will understand because they are not in my shoes.

I hope u know that I love you. No matter what may become of all of this, the love I feel for u all runs deeper than any rivers or streams in this world. You are in my veins. Now and forever.
I just want to go to sleep. Im exhausted.

Give it the money shot

I don’t know why I do the things that I do. Maybe I am a fire starter. Maybe I want the drama. Sometimes I think that could be it. And how much of a hypocrite I am. I keep things from others because I don’t want to hurt them. And as much as I keep telling myself it will be all ok in doing so it always backfires. I end up not eating much and sleeping all the time. Feeling low and wondering if I can ever shake the habit. And then something happens every now and again and I do it all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’ve done this in every single one I’ve had. And it frustrates the hell out of me. I don’t know if I can ever stop it and it just makes me cry. I’ve been really honest with myself with this whole prevention of anxiety shiz. So why couldn’t I have spewed it out sooner? Why pull them on a string until they pull back and break it so u scream it out? I torture the people that I love. That’s such a shitty thing to do. I’m a fuckin asshole aren’t I…

My phone is broken. I can’t even try to call anybody. I just feel like I’m the only one in the world who fucks up like this.

I am forgiven for now. Things seemed better yesterday, but I know he doubts me. But at this point I don’t really give a crap anymore. He’s the one who put us in the danger zone. He’s already admitted to that. So we’ll just have to go with the flow. And when he asked me if I had doubts… I lied again. And it’s not to prevent the hurting of his feelings. It’s cuz I just still don’t know anymore. I want to talk to my mommy. Not him. She’s coming today so we will have a discussion while he’s out. I guess I’ll update on that in the next entry.
A little side note: The “Hey There Delilah” single on the radio stinks. I’m disappointed that it’s booming on the radio because I loved it a lot more when I could just put my fav mix on to hear it. I don’t really like how they added the violins and stuff. Leave it acoustic. God, not everything has to change! Well except for the name. I think “Hey There Vanessa” would be stellar J

Shoot me in the face...but with a water gun...i guess...

I can’t really explain this to anyone. Because it’s just too private to say.

All I can say is that I’m disappointed and I don’t feel like I know the person I thought I knew. I feel cheated. I feel angry. I feel like this was fuckin setup. And now, damage is done to the point where I have to rethink everything. EVERYTHING. And I know in my heart your sorry. I’m sorry too. So sorry. But now what? What in the hell should I do now? You opened a door. A door I never imagined you would open. It was totally out of character. And it was like putting cheese in a mouse trap. I feel like you wanted to trap me. And you say it wasn’t done on purpose. But I doubt it. I just don’t believe you on that.

This is one of the few times in my life where I’m truly confused. Where I don’t know the answers. And you know I hate thinking. God, I loathe thinking. I don’t feel right having any bit of doubt u know? I don’t feel good with that. I say it to myself all the time “If there’s any bit of doubt then maybe you need to take a step back.” And the problem with that is that I don’t know if I wanna do that. Sometimes I want to because of your stupid choices. I mean, you really threw shit in my face on this one. I feel like I got hit by a damn MAC truck. I did not deserve this shit at all. I’ve been so flippin good. And all you do is doubt. So maybe you deserve to have the shit thrown in your face. For me to drive that truck and run ur ass over.

And then I just want to cry. Because my love for you is still inside of me. And I had everything planned with you. But I just don’t know you. I don’t feel like I know anything anymore and it makes me feel so alone.

I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to work through this with you. But why the fuck do I have to fight? Why do I always have to fight for everything? Why should I be afraid of being by myself? Why should I be afraid of being myself?I just don’t know. I have no clue as to what the future holds for me. It’s like I know what to do, but I’m on the fence. And it’s always me. I’m always the one who makes the hard decisions. It’s always in my hands. And I don’t like it at all.

She said and what and i was like awwww shittt

Ahhhhh yes my doves, it is Friday. Did I ever tell you that Friday’s rock? Cuz they do! So my July 4th was pretty low key. Because it was smack dab in the middle of the week it wasn’t like we were gunna have a three-day or anything so I couldn’t really do much. It was also pretty crappy in terms of weather. They cancelled the shows at the beach. And do u think they are gunna reschedule? No way. Spend more money? Right. That’s the world for ya.

We met up with a few friends we haven’t seen in a while and watched some fireworks going off in the street. Had 3 beers and got tired. Went home. But it was nice to see that everyone is doing well with themselves. I had forgotten how fun they are too. It was just nice. Hopefully the fireworks will go as planned and we can see those. That I think is the best show they have in our area. 20 minutes of bitchin fireworks. It’s crazylicious.

I think my butt is getting bigger. Ok, not bigger but maybe more round. And I’m lovin it. J-Lo booty here I come! Am I really weird for wanting a big ass? Everyone thinks it’s the funniest thing and I’m being absolutely serious. I would like a little more junk in my trunk, a tighter tummy and only a little bit more boobage since I have plenty there. Just to balance it out ya know. But yeah man…havin an apple booty would be sweet. I’m so there man. I am on my way! Before I go out tonight I got a date with Billy Blanks bitches. And I’m gunna kick and jab like a flippin ninja. Fo sho.

I also realized that I say “Sweet” a lot. I’m sure I’ve been saying it for awhile, but I haven’t noticed just how much I use it to describe things until now. Does anyone else out there use that word a lot too? God I hope so.

A friend pointed out to me the other day that I’m more comfortable talking to hot women than men. For some reason I act like a total fucktard in front of handsome men. I blush and I can’t concentrate on what I’m saying so it comes out all wrong. Like a drunk hobo. Omg…I act like a drunk hobo. Well isn’t that embarrassing. I can make out with a chick in a second but I can’t even talk to a hot guy. Does that mean I’m a lesbian? :p
Birthday party tonight in Queens. Not worried about making a mess of myself. Although, I would really love to watch everyone else do that for once. I’m sure someone won’t disappoint me. It’s gunna be sweet. I’ll bring my camera. Fuck…I said sweet again.

Poprocks & Soda cause anal leakage

Hello! It’s a good day. Yesterday was great as well. I’m feeling really good about my choices. I’ve been working out and just keeping focus on what I need to do to keep sane. It’s working out. I couldn’t be more excited about it.

My body is starting to mold into a better one. It’s only been 2 weeks but I can already see somewhat of a difference. My tummy is getting smaller. That was the area that most concerned me. Keep it up Ness, keep it up.

Our car needs a tune up, so that will be taken care of next week. I thought at first it was gunna be something hellish because that’s just the luck I seem to have, but a tune up isn’t bad at all. It’s still money out of ur wallet but at least its not something major. Thank goodness.

We also got the wireless Internet hooked up yesterday. We still can’t get the settings right on our laptop but our friend Tori will be coming over later on to fix it for us. She has the same type of laptop so it won’t take long at all.

So it seems that good stuff is flowing this way. Hopefully it will continue for awhile. I still have plenty of things lined up this summer. My mother will be coming here for about a week at the beginning of July. Then my sweetie’s younger brother will be coming the week after that for his b day. We are gunna have a BBQ to celebrate both his and Brian’s b day together so it should be really nice. Then in August I have a weeks vacation so im gunna go see the fam. I miss my niece a lot. She’s getting so big.

It’s just nice to know that there’s some sunshine in my life. I truly feel hopeful. Life is being good to me. So good that I will write life a little letter.

Dear Life,

Thanks for not sucking. Cuz you were for a long ass time. I’m not mad, I realize you wanted me to figure shit out for myself. Ok I might be a little bitter…but I still love u. I mean, it wouldn’t feel so good without the struggle right? Right. Ur my bitch.
Luv u slut! ~NESS

Pure sunshine, in disc form

Today my entry will be short and sweet. Something turns 25 years old today, and that thing I am truly thankful for. It’s existence has brought joy not only to myself but millions all over the world. And I think that without it, I would be very sad. I’m not really tech savvy, I do not possess an ipod or any of those little compact thingamabobs that are suppose to make listening to music easier. And even if I did, I would make someone else do the work to get the music on there because I have the patience of a nat.

Sure, you don’t have to hear the whole album now that those thingamabobs can download either the whole thing or just one song that makes you bananas. But why the hell not? Back in the day you had no choice but buy the cd and hope that all the songs kicked ass. And yes, some did disappoint.

But why create a damn album if no one will listen to the whole thing right? Sometimes they end up being a surprise, every song an unexpected change in pace and/or genre. It shows the artists versatility, weather you may like it or not.

Maybe all of you guys are just damn lazy. You don’t wanna pull out the cd book and then put it in the player and press all those buttons. I know, it gives u such finger crampage. Yeah bitches, that was sarcastic.

I for one will always love the musical goodness that is the CD. Even if I end up being the only one that uses them. Which will never happen by the way, cuz doin it old school rocks.

HAPPY B DAY CD!
I love you.

Tell ur mom i said "Whats up?"

So I guess I can be a bit too nice sometimes. I know I can. But I’m sorry guys, I find it hard to get nasty with someone. I just find that there are better ways of dealing with things, nicer things you can say.

But I’m starting to find that no matter how many times you may decline, all the I’m sorrys aren’t going to mean a thing. In the end your still perceived as unfair, or a bitch. Whatever you wanna call it.

I don’t know how someone could just want and take all the time. When you offer, they decline. But when they want and you decline it’s the end of the world. And you know what? I’m not here to serve you. I’m here to live and serve for myself and the people who are top priority. The ones that revolve in my little planet.

And why should a friendship be like a game? The “If I do you a favor you do me one” game? If I ask for a favor, of course I’ll have them in my mind if they need something. But if I can’t do you right at the time you need it then I’ll get you next time. Simple as that ya know?

I’m not gunna fight over it, but if someone starts it off then I’m going to come to the defense. Because at that point I’m irritated. But even in an irritable state, I will still say things in a kinder way than most. And if that doesn’t get the point across then I’ll say it w less of a sugary sweetness.
Whenever a situation rises like this, my hubby always ends up being right. Lol. His intuition is flippin excellent. And it’s not like he doesn’t warn me, he’ll be the first to chime in. “Be careful baby.” “Don’t get too personal.” And then weeks down the line something happens and then I get to hear those three golden words from my baby’s mouth. TOLD YOU SO. So I suppose the next question would be this: When am I going to start listening to him? Lol

Boogie oogie till ur pants fall off

So I’ve decided that when I have any free time I’m going to write it out. Not just because I like to, but because it really helps me.

I have anxiety and sometimes when things get too out of hand I get panic attacks that seem endless but only last 20 minutes or so. I’ve had it for a couple of years now. I used to take Zoloft for a brief moment but I felt as though meds turn you into a zombie so I stopped cold turkey, which wasn’t exactly a smart thing to do.

Anyways it seems to be creeping back a little bit and I would like to handle it without medication, so im going to start with other methods. One suggestion is writing and I noticed that when I write it all out it helps a great deal. I haven’t worked out in a couple of months and when I don’t I can see that I get pretty depressed. So instead of going back (im finding the gym to be boring) I’m buying a dance exercise DVD today. I crave change in everything and when it comes to working out I LOVE dancing. Took it for three years and that never seems to get old to me. Plus a dancers body is hot. So im pretty pumped.

I’m also going to keep a log of my symptoms. I know that it gets pretty intense when ur menstruating…and yeah that’s where im at right now so it blows. They say if you keep a log it can help with management. You can kind of dig a little and find some triggers.

The next part is going to be a little sticky. Limiting alcohol consumption. I can weed it out I think. It might be a little difficult but I think if I really put the effort in it’s possible.
I probably wont be able to cut it out completely, but I wanna try to keep it out of my life as much as possible.

Truthfully, I’m tired of feeling sad all the time. My relationship with my hunny is starting to suffer a little bit. Its pretty frustrating when you get asked all the time what the matter is when there is none. Sometimes you just feel so caged and helpless. Desperate to feel free. It’s disappointing really. Because I am generally a happy person, I mean who wants to be miserable? Noone. The mood swings are so erratic and I hate when I’m not myself. This is not the real me. And I can’t let it take me over anymore. I miss life. I miss everything.

There have been a bunch of times where it’s gotten so extreme. Like your screaming but no one hears you. Sometimes I’ve wanted to take out on myself. Like if I just cut myself it will bleed out and I will feel ok. No, I have not done that. But I can’t say I haven’t wanted to a few times. Or that I was really close to doing so. Cuz that would be such a lie. And being honest with myself will help me too.
So what else can I spew out today? I think I’m empty now. Plus you’ve probably moved on to someone with much more interesting things to say. u know, the shit that matters in the world today. Like how hot Paris looks in her orange jumpsuit. Byeeeeee

I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. There are tons of you out there. Yes you, the one who takes care of other people’s needs before your own. And you wanna kick yourself in the ass for it every damn time you get stressed out. It’s so hard for you to let it go. To not worry about someone else’s mess. But you know you have to one day realize we are all in it for ourselves. It’s just the way nature works.

What I think bothers me the most is what some expect of others. Or maybe they just didn’t give other options any thought.

Why do I have to be happy all the time? Am I not allowed to have crummy days? Why must I be constantly asked “Whats wrong?”? and why do I have to talk about it?

I’m not sure why I get so bajiggity over it, but I do every time. I just don’t understand why I can’t just be left alone. No, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine with sharing it with myself. If its something major it will be known, but otherwise most of my troubles are just the insecure whinings of a 23 years old woman. I shouldn’t have even put an age to it because all of us girls bitch and moan about the same things no matter what number of years we may be.

I’m allowed to feel caged in this world. I’m allowed to wonder if what I’m doing is the right thing. If this is what I really want or need. Maybe this is why I don’t like sharing my feelings, because the real ones are a lot brasher than the sugar coated excuses I spew out.

And maybe it’s because I don’t want to look deeper into it. Cuz once the real truth is out, they force you to look at it and keep digging. Come up with what ifs and such. And say “Well maybe you should insert alternate solution here “

But by this time I’ve already gone through all that in my head. So just give me a few days to bitch to myself a little bit and then it will be over. No need to discuss. It will pass. And yes, women are fucking crazy. Nothing is what we want. Never fully satisfied. It’s just the way it is.
Truthfully, I should have been born a boy. I think that would have been a better choice. Sanity is good. My name would have been Daniel if so. Sounds good to me:p

Our number one is your number two

Since I FINALLY have the time, I figured I would update some….not that anyone really gives a shit. So I need to correct myself from the last entry. She was going to be 22. I still think about her everyday. It’s been 5 months and a day. It depends on the day but for most of them I feel as though it’s getting easier. Got some mula back from the man which is fantastical. You know what gets me so bajiggity though? I owe the man 3 frikken dollars! Are you shittin me? You going to go so far as to ask for three measily bucks? The man’s a cheapshit, that’s for sure. I don’t even know why I was so surprised. Nothing else too new. My mom is coming to visit today until Saturday so that should be nice. I can actually cook something edible now so I’m sure she’ll be impressed. The weather is slowly but surely getting warmer and that excites me. They also announced that we would be getting raises at work too. Gotta love that. Every little bit of money helps. My car is a disaster waiting to happen. Got a bubble in one tire and a nail in the other, it teeters back and forth and I can’t go over 40 lol. It will get fixed soon hopefully. I’ve been slackin real bad when it come to the gym. I’m gunna start going back today so I can get tight again for summer. I can’t wait for the beach days and boat trips. I swear theres something about summer that gets me. it’s just the best. I’m not sure why I decided to buy coffee off of one of those trucks today, but it was deff. a bad decision on my part. It tastes like a band aid soaked in urine. Wow, my day could not get any better than this =p

Live a life that you would think was sane.

It’s one of those cruddy days. It’s her birthday sometime his month, I just don’t know when. I hope it didn’t pass. I believe she would have turned 21 this year. I’m sure we would have all celebrated together. I’m trying not to get depressed about it. I should be happy that I am alive. I should be happy at the fact that after the new years I’ve taken an active step in staying as sober as I can be. I can’t say that it’s been easy…it’s no cake walk by any means. The first couple of weekends were the hardest. It’s like your use to this certain routine, and when something is taken out that you were attached to it’s horrifying. I got myself all wound up over it. I literally started to break down and almost cry. THAT is scary. But like i said, after the first couple weeks it’s been easier. I’m happy and I feel like I haven’t felt this happiness in a long time. I’m staying in shape, eating right, and staying true to myself. I feel like even though she’s gone, I’m living for the both of us. I’m moving on past the mistakes and the carelessness. I feel like she would be proud of me too.

I’m still scared. Just because I’m on the right track doesn’t mean that the possibility of going back isn’t there. When you let it go, you realize what you were hiding from in the first place. Letting go of what took the pain away means accepting everything that eats away at you. Facing the fear. Thinking it out. Talking to someone. Being vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. I’m one who likes to keep to oneself. Perhaps because I know it’s mine and no one else’s. Maybe I think that I can handle this on my own. Maybe it’s pride. Or all of the above.

You don’t know how great it feels for me to be able to wake up before noon to go out and enjoy the day. To not feel like crap or be grumpy. My perspective on life has totally changed. What would have happened if I had continued? What if I were never able to play with my niece again? Make my family laugh? Have my own family?? I’m not going to be monster like that again.

I suppose a positive about this whole thing is that I appreciate myself a lot more than I use to. I embrace the shape of my body, my huge crooked Italian nose, and lack of a Jlo booty. I remember hating everything that made me who I am. I wanted to destroy myself. I resented the most wonderful man in my life for no reason at all. I was angry at him all the time. He’s my best friend and all I could see sometimes was an enemy. It truly drives you mad. It’s a black hole. A hole full of shit. It’s good to know that I’m surrounded by good people. I’m confident I’ll never go back. I won’t allow it. Going forward only, please.
You woke us up. You made us realize we can’t live forever, that there are more important things in life. I just wish we could have been shown this differently. I still think about you all the time. I miss you more than you’ll ever know. At times I still feel like I’m waiting for u to come back. Maybe this means that your waiting for me, too. I hope that you are.

The sweetest things they burn before they shine

Doesn’t it suck when u wake up earlier in the morning than expected? Yup, that’s how my day started. Who the hell wants to wake up early? No one. It was actually my little Lillian Grace that had me up an hour ahead of schedule. Her wheel got loose cuz she runs like a deranged kitty on crack, therefore I awoke to the clinkity clank of it as she continued to run in it. Of course the noise wouldn’t bother her. Her brain is probably the size of a seed. So I get up at 5:30 and take look. And its not like I can say “Ummm Lillian, can u please stop? I need to fix the wheel.” She does listen to me sometimes, but since it was still considered her daytime she was not havin it. I ended up putting her in the bathroom and closing the door. She can be a feisty one. But I love her.

Then came my routine coffee pickup before work. He put cream in it again. I HATE cream. It makes me feel bloated. Guess I wont be eating lunch today. I guess I should be more specific. Perhaps I just don’t know the rules when it comes to coffee creation. I figured that if u say “Light and sweet” it meant a decent amount of milk and a good amount of sugar. Most of the time if I order it that way, I usually get the milk but a void in the sugar department. And that’s fine, I have sugar at work. But then there are those days where I get a buttload of cream and no sugar at all. And that really blows. It’s just that u don’t know when u should specify ya know? ugh. I don’t know. Pretty ponderific though.

Today is pay day, and that means that on Friday I can clear up any money mess I had made in December. Good stuff.

It just occurred to me that my shitty excuse for a best friend has still not returned home and is still living with a crackhead thief. What balls. What selfishness. What stupidity. I really hope she’s enjoying her life without. Cuz she had it all. Guess this is how every story goes. Apparently a “no name” caller came through around 11:30 this morning. I would have picked up too if Brian didn’t have my phone with him at home. Boo. Any time I do get a call like that whomever it is hangs up. I wonder if it’s her.
My work days have been pretty boring. Boo for that too.