Poprocks & Soda cause anal leakage

Hello! It’s a good day. Yesterday was great as well. I’m feeling really good about my choices. I’ve been working out and just keeping focus on what I need to do to keep sane. It’s working out. I couldn’t be more excited about it.

My body is starting to mold into a better one. It’s only been 2 weeks but I can already see somewhat of a difference. My tummy is getting smaller. That was the area that most concerned me. Keep it up Ness, keep it up.

Our car needs a tune up, so that will be taken care of next week. I thought at first it was gunna be something hellish because that’s just the luck I seem to have, but a tune up isn’t bad at all. It’s still money out of ur wallet but at least its not something major. Thank goodness.

We also got the wireless Internet hooked up yesterday. We still can’t get the settings right on our laptop but our friend Tori will be coming over later on to fix it for us. She has the same type of laptop so it won’t take long at all.

So it seems that good stuff is flowing this way. Hopefully it will continue for awhile. I still have plenty of things lined up this summer. My mother will be coming here for about a week at the beginning of July. Then my sweetie’s younger brother will be coming the week after that for his b day. We are gunna have a BBQ to celebrate both his and Brian’s b day together so it should be really nice. Then in August I have a weeks vacation so im gunna go see the fam. I miss my niece a lot. She’s getting so big.

It’s just nice to know that there’s some sunshine in my life. I truly feel hopeful. Life is being good to me. So good that I will write life a little letter.

Dear Life,

Thanks for not sucking. Cuz you were for a long ass time. I’m not mad, I realize you wanted me to figure shit out for myself. Ok I might be a little bitter…but I still love u. I mean, it wouldn’t feel so good without the struggle right? Right. Ur my bitch.
Luv u slut! ~NESS

Pure sunshine, in disc form

Today my entry will be short and sweet. Something turns 25 years old today, and that thing I am truly thankful for. It’s existence has brought joy not only to myself but millions all over the world. And I think that without it, I would be very sad. I’m not really tech savvy, I do not possess an ipod or any of those little compact thingamabobs that are suppose to make listening to music easier. And even if I did, I would make someone else do the work to get the music on there because I have the patience of a nat.

Sure, you don’t have to hear the whole album now that those thingamabobs can download either the whole thing or just one song that makes you bananas. But why the hell not? Back in the day you had no choice but buy the cd and hope that all the songs kicked ass. And yes, some did disappoint.

But why create a damn album if no one will listen to the whole thing right? Sometimes they end up being a surprise, every song an unexpected change in pace and/or genre. It shows the artists versatility, weather you may like it or not.

Maybe all of you guys are just damn lazy. You don’t wanna pull out the cd book and then put it in the player and press all those buttons. I know, it gives u such finger crampage. Yeah bitches, that was sarcastic.

I for one will always love the musical goodness that is the CD. Even if I end up being the only one that uses them. Which will never happen by the way, cuz doin it old school rocks.

HAPPY B DAY CD!
I love you.

Tell ur mom i said "Whats up?"

So I guess I can be a bit too nice sometimes. I know I can. But I’m sorry guys, I find it hard to get nasty with someone. I just find that there are better ways of dealing with things, nicer things you can say.

But I’m starting to find that no matter how many times you may decline, all the I’m sorrys aren’t going to mean a thing. In the end your still perceived as unfair, or a bitch. Whatever you wanna call it.

I don’t know how someone could just want and take all the time. When you offer, they decline. But when they want and you decline it’s the end of the world. And you know what? I’m not here to serve you. I’m here to live and serve for myself and the people who are top priority. The ones that revolve in my little planet.

And why should a friendship be like a game? The “If I do you a favor you do me one” game? If I ask for a favor, of course I’ll have them in my mind if they need something. But if I can’t do you right at the time you need it then I’ll get you next time. Simple as that ya know?

I’m not gunna fight over it, but if someone starts it off then I’m going to come to the defense. Because at that point I’m irritated. But even in an irritable state, I will still say things in a kinder way than most. And if that doesn’t get the point across then I’ll say it w less of a sugary sweetness.
Whenever a situation rises like this, my hubby always ends up being right. Lol. His intuition is flippin excellent. And it’s not like he doesn’t warn me, he’ll be the first to chime in. “Be careful baby.” “Don’t get too personal.” And then weeks down the line something happens and then I get to hear those three golden words from my baby’s mouth. TOLD YOU SO. So I suppose the next question would be this: When am I going to start listening to him? Lol

Boogie oogie till ur pants fall off

So I’ve decided that when I have any free time I’m going to write it out. Not just because I like to, but because it really helps me.

I have anxiety and sometimes when things get too out of hand I get panic attacks that seem endless but only last 20 minutes or so. I’ve had it for a couple of years now. I used to take Zoloft for a brief moment but I felt as though meds turn you into a zombie so I stopped cold turkey, which wasn’t exactly a smart thing to do.

Anyways it seems to be creeping back a little bit and I would like to handle it without medication, so im going to start with other methods. One suggestion is writing and I noticed that when I write it all out it helps a great deal. I haven’t worked out in a couple of months and when I don’t I can see that I get pretty depressed. So instead of going back (im finding the gym to be boring) I’m buying a dance exercise DVD today. I crave change in everything and when it comes to working out I LOVE dancing. Took it for three years and that never seems to get old to me. Plus a dancers body is hot. So im pretty pumped.

I’m also going to keep a log of my symptoms. I know that it gets pretty intense when ur menstruating…and yeah that’s where im at right now so it blows. They say if you keep a log it can help with management. You can kind of dig a little and find some triggers.

The next part is going to be a little sticky. Limiting alcohol consumption. I can weed it out I think. It might be a little difficult but I think if I really put the effort in it’s possible.
I probably wont be able to cut it out completely, but I wanna try to keep it out of my life as much as possible.

Truthfully, I’m tired of feeling sad all the time. My relationship with my hunny is starting to suffer a little bit. Its pretty frustrating when you get asked all the time what the matter is when there is none. Sometimes you just feel so caged and helpless. Desperate to feel free. It’s disappointing really. Because I am generally a happy person, I mean who wants to be miserable? Noone. The mood swings are so erratic and I hate when I’m not myself. This is not the real me. And I can’t let it take me over anymore. I miss life. I miss everything.

There have been a bunch of times where it’s gotten so extreme. Like your screaming but no one hears you. Sometimes I’ve wanted to take out on myself. Like if I just cut myself it will bleed out and I will feel ok. No, I have not done that. But I can’t say I haven’t wanted to a few times. Or that I was really close to doing so. Cuz that would be such a lie. And being honest with myself will help me too.
So what else can I spew out today? I think I’m empty now. Plus you’ve probably moved on to someone with much more interesting things to say. u know, the shit that matters in the world today. Like how hot Paris looks in her orange jumpsuit. Byeeeeee

I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. There are tons of you out there. Yes you, the one who takes care of other people’s needs before your own. And you wanna kick yourself in the ass for it every damn time you get stressed out. It’s so hard for you to let it go. To not worry about someone else’s mess. But you know you have to one day realize we are all in it for ourselves. It’s just the way nature works.

What I think bothers me the most is what some expect of others. Or maybe they just didn’t give other options any thought.

Why do I have to be happy all the time? Am I not allowed to have crummy days? Why must I be constantly asked “Whats wrong?”? and why do I have to talk about it?

I’m not sure why I get so bajiggity over it, but I do every time. I just don’t understand why I can’t just be left alone. No, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine with sharing it with myself. If its something major it will be known, but otherwise most of my troubles are just the insecure whinings of a 23 years old woman. I shouldn’t have even put an age to it because all of us girls bitch and moan about the same things no matter what number of years we may be.

I’m allowed to feel caged in this world. I’m allowed to wonder if what I’m doing is the right thing. If this is what I really want or need. Maybe this is why I don’t like sharing my feelings, because the real ones are a lot brasher than the sugar coated excuses I spew out.

And maybe it’s because I don’t want to look deeper into it. Cuz once the real truth is out, they force you to look at it and keep digging. Come up with what ifs and such. And say “Well maybe you should insert alternate solution here “

But by this time I’ve already gone through all that in my head. So just give me a few days to bitch to myself a little bit and then it will be over. No need to discuss. It will pass. And yes, women are fucking crazy. Nothing is what we want. Never fully satisfied. It’s just the way it is.
Truthfully, I should have been born a boy. I think that would have been a better choice. Sanity is good. My name would have been Daniel if so. Sounds good to me:p