Be with myself and center, clarityyy

Perhaps some clarification is needed.

This is my blog. This is my safe haven. I write how I feel. It’s not to cause fights. I’m the last person that wants that. I think maybe 3 people read this or even know about it. And even though others can read this, I’m not that popular. And I like it that way. I feel comfortable here.

Sometimes I vent before problems are even solved. Such is the case in my last entry. I’m not going to apologize for what I write at the time that I write it. I was angry and upset over something I misunderstood. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone. No one should be taking what I write and turn it into something else. I’m not doing this start fires. That’s not a hobby I partake in.

If you are interested in what I have to say then read this with an open mind. If your going to get annoyed at me for what I say then don’t. Because I’m not going to stop expressing myself. The problems I have always seem to get solved weather I’ve vented about it on this thing or not. And it’s not a great feeling when things get rehashed because of it. The last thing I wanna do is give someone a hard time. So I’m sorry to those who thought otherwise.

As for today I’m feeling ok. It’s gorgeous out and I’m not cramping at this time. Yea, I’m shedding. It sucks. Yesterday it occurred to me that women are crazy. Some kind of satanic robot if you will. I thought of it like this: Every month for four days I bleed constantly. Now, does that sound safe to u? hell no man. It kind of scares me a bit. Wow, I scare myself. That’s kinda funny. But do u get it? I mean what does a guy have like that? I tell ya, I think we got the raw end of the deal. Yesterday I was in so much pain I was getting the chills. I was exhausted. It’s like fighting a war. Ugh.

I’m going back to the tae bo after my war is over. I’m excited but not. When I’m into working out I’m pretty dedicated. But when I start after a while of not doing it, it’s like pulling teeth. But what can ya do. One day I’ll be consistent.

So I’m getting a coach bag. I find that to be awesome. Peter does plumbing for one of the guys that work there and he gets half off. So I’m gunna take advantage of that. The only really nice bag I have is my L.A.M.B. bag. Today I will pick one out. It’s gunna be sweet. Maybe I can get a matching wallet too. Double sweet. I’m such a fashion whore.
I’m feelin lonely.

So there's no support huh? i get it.

You seem so flipping angry. And I don’t get it. And I’m not the only one that doesn’t get it either.

I think it would be shitty to not stand by me. I’ve always been there for you. You know that.

I don’t know if this is because it hits home with you. If it is you know I understand that.

But why take this anger out on me? Why do you feel like I won’t make the best decision for myself? do what makes me happy?

Don’t take your issues out on me when I have enough on my plate. I would never be angry at any decision you make. And that counts in the present tense too. I’ll respect you no matter what. And I’ll never leave your side. Because I would never want you to leave mine.

If it’s shitty that I didn’t say this to you rather than just be by myself to think things through than I’m sorry. It was shitty. You shouldn’t have to hear it from someone elses mouth. But you know what? Besides that I’ve done nothing to you. I’m not arguing with you. I’m not angry with you. I have no reason to be. So whatever’s going on with you I just have no fuckin clue about. But I’m bothered at the fact that everyone’s gunna just drop away. That’s how it seems. And I’m mad as heck. Because it’s just not fair. It’s just not what a friend would do.

You wanna throw how many years away because I might not side with you opinion?
I guess that’s fine. I have no other choice than to be fine with that. The balls in your court. Cut the cord and support. Whatever you need to do.

They cut off my legs. Now im an amputee, god damn you.

Reality has set in. I’m done with being silent about the issues we have. The breakdown I had yesterday made me realize that I’m not as ok with this as I thought. And I’m rethinking things yet again.

I’m upset with those who think I can’t handle these things by myself. I don’t need anyone else adding pressure to my life by being annoyed with my true feelings and how I handle them. If you were a good friend you would stick by me no matter what the conclusion may be. Just because I’m unsure doesn’t mean I think I’m the bad guy. It doesn’t mean I’m brainwashed. It means I’m human and that I’m allowed to change my mind if that’s what I want.

I jumped into things too quickly. But today I have some clarity. Only some though. What I know is this: I don’t really want to start over. I don’t want to find someone else to grow with and have a family with. I know things he’s done have been completely shitty and undeserved. I believe he is genuinely sorry and wants me to be happy weather it’s with him or not. I thought I wanted to see what was out there and figure out these mixed feelings. And I kind of have. Besides lust I don’t see a future there. I will get bored just like I did the ups guy. The novelty fades. And my love for him is still here. So I don’t know.

I’ve been just angry and sad all jumbled into one since every things gone down. I’m happy I haven’t held back from him on how I’ve been feeling. It feels good and I’ve been eating a lot more now.
I’m willing to let go of the anger and sadness to try things out. if things don’t change I’ll leave. But for right now I want to try. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t give another chance. It’s still in talking stages. I’m seeing if things can be changed. I’m just ready to talk. So we shall see. And at this point, I can’t care about what everyone else wants me to do. I have to figure out what will make me happy. So I’m sorry if u r displeased or disappointed. But it is what it is. And I love you regardless.

u can rely on the old mans money

I know what you all want me to do. It’s easier said than done. And since it’s all in my hands, I’ll decide. And it may not be the solution u want.

Because I try to make things work. That’s just the way I am and always will be. It’s been so long that trying to make things work seems right to me. Giving someone a second chance just feels right to me. And maybe that means I’m an idiot.

He knows how I feel. I told him today because it couldn’t wait. Because I’m becoming physically ill. And I know I’m his world. I’m everything. He is the same to me too.

Truth is I don’t know how the rest of this convo will go. But if u need some kind of answer, I could go either way. And I’m getting this pressure from all sides to choose a certain direction and I just can’t. I can’t worry about anybody but myself. And I guess no one will understand because they are not in my shoes.

I hope u know that I love you. No matter what may become of all of this, the love I feel for u all runs deeper than any rivers or streams in this world. You are in my veins. Now and forever.
I just want to go to sleep. Im exhausted.

Give it the money shot

I don’t know why I do the things that I do. Maybe I am a fire starter. Maybe I want the drama. Sometimes I think that could be it. And how much of a hypocrite I am. I keep things from others because I don’t want to hurt them. And as much as I keep telling myself it will be all ok in doing so it always backfires. I end up not eating much and sleeping all the time. Feeling low and wondering if I can ever shake the habit. And then something happens every now and again and I do it all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I’ve done this in every single one I’ve had. And it frustrates the hell out of me. I don’t know if I can ever stop it and it just makes me cry. I’ve been really honest with myself with this whole prevention of anxiety shiz. So why couldn’t I have spewed it out sooner? Why pull them on a string until they pull back and break it so u scream it out? I torture the people that I love. That’s such a shitty thing to do. I’m a fuckin asshole aren’t I…

My phone is broken. I can’t even try to call anybody. I just feel like I’m the only one in the world who fucks up like this.

I am forgiven for now. Things seemed better yesterday, but I know he doubts me. But at this point I don’t really give a crap anymore. He’s the one who put us in the danger zone. He’s already admitted to that. So we’ll just have to go with the flow. And when he asked me if I had doubts… I lied again. And it’s not to prevent the hurting of his feelings. It’s cuz I just still don’t know anymore. I want to talk to my mommy. Not him. She’s coming today so we will have a discussion while he’s out. I guess I’ll update on that in the next entry.
A little side note: The “Hey There Delilah” single on the radio stinks. I’m disappointed that it’s booming on the radio because I loved it a lot more when I could just put my fav mix on to hear it. I don’t really like how they added the violins and stuff. Leave it acoustic. God, not everything has to change! Well except for the name. I think “Hey There Vanessa” would be stellar J

Shoot me in the face...but with a water gun...i guess...

I can’t really explain this to anyone. Because it’s just too private to say.

All I can say is that I’m disappointed and I don’t feel like I know the person I thought I knew. I feel cheated. I feel angry. I feel like this was fuckin setup. And now, damage is done to the point where I have to rethink everything. EVERYTHING. And I know in my heart your sorry. I’m sorry too. So sorry. But now what? What in the hell should I do now? You opened a door. A door I never imagined you would open. It was totally out of character. And it was like putting cheese in a mouse trap. I feel like you wanted to trap me. And you say it wasn’t done on purpose. But I doubt it. I just don’t believe you on that.

This is one of the few times in my life where I’m truly confused. Where I don’t know the answers. And you know I hate thinking. God, I loathe thinking. I don’t feel right having any bit of doubt u know? I don’t feel good with that. I say it to myself all the time “If there’s any bit of doubt then maybe you need to take a step back.” And the problem with that is that I don’t know if I wanna do that. Sometimes I want to because of your stupid choices. I mean, you really threw shit in my face on this one. I feel like I got hit by a damn MAC truck. I did not deserve this shit at all. I’ve been so flippin good. And all you do is doubt. So maybe you deserve to have the shit thrown in your face. For me to drive that truck and run ur ass over.

And then I just want to cry. Because my love for you is still inside of me. And I had everything planned with you. But I just don’t know you. I don’t feel like I know anything anymore and it makes me feel so alone.

I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to work through this with you. But why the fuck do I have to fight? Why do I always have to fight for everything? Why should I be afraid of being by myself? Why should I be afraid of being myself?I just don’t know. I have no clue as to what the future holds for me. It’s like I know what to do, but I’m on the fence. And it’s always me. I’m always the one who makes the hard decisions. It’s always in my hands. And I don’t like it at all.

She said and what and i was like awwww shittt

Ahhhhh yes my doves, it is Friday. Did I ever tell you that Friday’s rock? Cuz they do! So my July 4th was pretty low key. Because it was smack dab in the middle of the week it wasn’t like we were gunna have a three-day or anything so I couldn’t really do much. It was also pretty crappy in terms of weather. They cancelled the shows at the beach. And do u think they are gunna reschedule? No way. Spend more money? Right. That’s the world for ya.

We met up with a few friends we haven’t seen in a while and watched some fireworks going off in the street. Had 3 beers and got tired. Went home. But it was nice to see that everyone is doing well with themselves. I had forgotten how fun they are too. It was just nice. Hopefully the fireworks will go as planned and we can see those. That I think is the best show they have in our area. 20 minutes of bitchin fireworks. It’s crazylicious.

I think my butt is getting bigger. Ok, not bigger but maybe more round. And I’m lovin it. J-Lo booty here I come! Am I really weird for wanting a big ass? Everyone thinks it’s the funniest thing and I’m being absolutely serious. I would like a little more junk in my trunk, a tighter tummy and only a little bit more boobage since I have plenty there. Just to balance it out ya know. But yeah man…havin an apple booty would be sweet. I’m so there man. I am on my way! Before I go out tonight I got a date with Billy Blanks bitches. And I’m gunna kick and jab like a flippin ninja. Fo sho.

I also realized that I say “Sweet” a lot. I’m sure I’ve been saying it for awhile, but I haven’t noticed just how much I use it to describe things until now. Does anyone else out there use that word a lot too? God I hope so.

A friend pointed out to me the other day that I’m more comfortable talking to hot women than men. For some reason I act like a total fucktard in front of handsome men. I blush and I can’t concentrate on what I’m saying so it comes out all wrong. Like a drunk hobo. Omg…I act like a drunk hobo. Well isn’t that embarrassing. I can make out with a chick in a second but I can’t even talk to a hot guy. Does that mean I’m a lesbian? :p
Birthday party tonight in Queens. Not worried about making a mess of myself. Although, I would really love to watch everyone else do that for once. I’m sure someone won’t disappoint me. It’s gunna be sweet. I’ll bring my camera. Fuck…I said sweet again.