Behind the boat house, i'll show you my dark secret.

Hidey ho! All right, so i'm now back in my office with working equipment which is fantastic. i felt so out of place and disorganized going back and forth. Plus i can listen to music in here. Gosh office, i have missed you so.
I got a phone. it's a pretty nice phone. some kind of samsung shit that has TV. I know, it sounds flippin awesome, but i sampled the TV section and it's not really all it's hyped up to be. So i guess it's a good thing i didn't add that to the plan. But it is a nice phone and all the features on it are pretty cool. It's a pretty large flip phone. I'm thinking that was done to accomodate the TV crap. But it's thin. I like it. I'm gunna get a case for it in lavender crock print. SWEETNESS.
What else is new? nothing really. I had a breakdown the other day. Not because of anyone or anything in particular. I'm just fed up with working so hard for so little. I just get discouraged with just getting by u know? i know i'm not in this boat alone, but it's frustrating none the less. I just have to remind myself that i would be making more money if i didn't ask for a loan from my job. And i'll be done paying that off by november. So if i can just hold on it will be alot easier to pay bills in the future. Sometimes i wish i could just not give a crap about bills. But unfortunately it's a way of life. I think i've become a bit more laxed, but not completely. Now when i'm late paying the bill i just have to tell myself that it's ok if it's late a week. I'm sure there are alot of people in this world who don't pay at all. So i'm getting there. Baby steps.
Bri got a burned copy of the new Foo Fighters album. I gotta say, i flippin love them. They have to be one of my faves. They deffinately are up there with Bon Jovi and incubus. If i could get a chance to see them play it would be rockin. They were doing and intimate concert in the city that you could only win tics through a radio station. Brian almost got it too, so it blows. You had to be caller 92 and he was 91. It figures with our luck right? It would have been cool, but hopefully when they go on tour again we can go. But yea, the new album is just as good as the others. They are just talented motherfuckers man. I love them.
I'm counting down the days. 22 more days and it will be a year. It's been a year already. God, how quickly it goes. And i still think of you all the time. And i still think that you've gone away somewhere fun and that you'll be back. It's so odd...this waiting feeling. When i think about it like this, i just get so bothered. I really wish i had done or said things differently. I wish i had said "Hey girl, u maybe wanna hang out and talk sometime?" I should have been better. I should have tried more. I should have kept telling her that she was scaring me rather than saying it once. But then again, she knew and maybe she just didn't care. And maybe just being there would have never been enough. And i guess knowing that makes me sad. There was so much i didn't know. She left me with all these questions. I just hope she knows i was always there even if i didnt show it. I did care. And still do. I just miss her.
It's cloudy out. What a bummer. Fo sho.

I wanna get away to our sweet escape

Hola folks. Things have been so so since my last blog. i know...what a bitchfest that was.
I waterlogged my phone so i am once again cut off form the world. not that anyone really calls me anyways. mostly family, so i'm kinda bummed. hopefully i can get another one soon.
My diet thingy is going good still. i have not had a cup of coffee the whole time and im quite proud of that. cuz i really crave one every morning. My stomach shrank and i don't really eat in excess like i use to. so thats pretty sweet. my rings fit easier and my hips have gone down a bit. it's exciting. i still want a whopper like whoa. maybe this weekend i can cheat.
Putting in the OT at work so i can pay my bills with ease. im getting double time for the holiday. As much as i want the cash i kind of wanna go home a little early. We shall see.
My ex boyfriend whom i still remain friends with is back in rehab for a month. I speak with him via myspace. I really feel bad for the guy. He's soo good and then he falls so hard. I really hope things get better for him. i think that us speaking helps. i actually wrote him a letter so maybe that will cheer him up. im sure its pretty lonely in there. and when your lonely it's nice to know someone's around that thinks of u.
otherwise nothing else new. busy at work and my comp is defunct. makes things alittle difficult. My IO is hooked up and you have no idea how much that excites me. i can tape things again and get all the awesome channels. Brian and i watched "What Perez Says" and i think Brian likes him. we were hysterical. hopefully he has another show soon. i would sooo chill with perez. he's my kind of people. And i know i have this strange attraction to older men. i cant help it and i know it's odd. I'm finding brett michaels to be sexy at times. maybe it's just the show. i have no idea whats going on with me sometimes lol.
As soon as i got up this morning i had gwen's "Sweet escape" in my head. i'm straightening my hair and in my head im like "i've been gettin alittle lazzy, waitin fo u to come savve me." it was pretty rad. Good morning man. good morning indeed.

Belief builds from scratch. Doesn't have to relax, doesn't need space.

All i feel like doing is crying today. i get angry and then it turns to sadness. I feel so alone. And i keeping wondering why. If things were gunna be the same then why arent they? Truth is, i am replaced. Or missed. Which of the two i'm not sure. I'm around. i'm here for anyone if they need me. But noone does anymore. And if i'm asked how i am all i can say is fine. because i don't think anyone really wants to hear it. I feel like everyone thinks i need permission to do things. i feel like noone wants my company because of who i love. And i feel like it's the most unfair thing in the world. it's not suppose to be that way. i bet nothing would have been so awkward if i had done what everyone wanted. is it that noone understand my view? i dont get it. You can call and ask to hang out and we can make some time. i always have the time to make. But when i call there is none. and it always ends the same..."Well ok, ill be home if u wanna chill." and the night ends with me falling asleep on the couch way too early. I just feel punished. i'm sick of this place. i'm sick of everything. i wanna know when the man upstairs if gunna throw me a fuckin bone. when lord, are you gunna throw some kind of luck my way. when am i gunna pick up the phone and hear "Hey, if ur not doing anything maybe we can hang and chat". When are you going to give me someone or something to confide in instead of bitching on a blog that noone gives a damn about? you know what? when r u gunna send some people my way who want to give a damn about me?