To settle for less is not what i prefer

Happy Friday to all! I have a feeling it’s gunna be a pretty boring day. Not too much work going on since the holidays aren’t over yet. I’m not sure why I’m working new years eve if it’s gunna be slow but hey, you can’t always get what u want right?

I’ve been popping into amazon to track my bag for the past two days. I was kind of worried. I looked at the feedback of the seller and there were some negatives. Well just one complaint and that was that the person did not receive the item they wanted. So I got pretty nervous. But then again perhaps the person needed it on a specific day and didn’t get it then. I checked this morning and it should be there by lunch. SO exciting. I’m using an extremely small bag right now and it’s quite a pain. Nothing fits in it so I have to squeeze to close it. I’m a big bag person. Need to fit my whole life in a bag.

Brain’s younger brother came for an impromptu visit. Their dad is leaving tonight sometime and peter suggested he come down to spend some time before he heads back to phoenix. So today I awoke to someone on my couch. It’s not so bad as long as I keep everything clean and tidy. Since I for some reason have become ocd when it comes to that we should be fine. I have a few things to vent today, so let me spew away.

Something is deff. wrong with the crazy ex of mine. He wrote back apologizing incessantly and spewing a bunch of crap. Trying to make me understand him. Apparently he just came out of the hospital again. And I’m not really sure if I believe it. I do, but I just don’t understand how he can keep coming in and out of these places like a revolving door. If it’s this bad, then what the hell is his mother doing? What is he doing? Does he want help or not? Like I said before, I’ll be his friend. But I don’t want to understand anything. He can vent to me and that’s cool because if it makes him feel better he should do so. But the truth is that I will never understand what it’s like and there’s no way to really change that. I’m sorry that he’s sick in some way. But the only person who can make him better is himself. It’s like he wants to run but wants to stay. Such a tortured soul he has. It’s sad.

And yeah I found out those two girls from the other company hate me. They asked my coworker why he talks to me. Excuse me? Are we not on the heels of 2008? I think so, and it’s quite annoying to still find such ignorance. I’ve always gotten along with everybody despite race or gender. I’m proud of that. I’m glad that I get the same pleasantries. But these girls are thinking what? There’s this little white girl being chummy with a black guy. And I guess there’s something wrong with that. See this is what I’m talking about right here. What makes sense in the above situation is true here too. I will never know what it’s like to be them and they will never know what it’s like to be me. Maybe if they took the time they would like me. But all they see is the outer layer. A blank canvas, waiting to be judged. They are sad, jealous fools. And I wish this stuff didn’t bother me but it does. And it most likely will stay this way for the rest of my remaining years. It’s a pity. Just throw this world in the trash already.

We won't go until we got sum

Merry Hohoho to all! My holiday was all right. That’s really the only way to describe it. We had everyone over the house on xmas eve for cocktails and a buffet of yummy food. We took in our lonely Jews Mila and Alex for the evening. They enjoyed it. We had Brian’s dad dress up like Santa and hand out gifts. I sat on his lap. I had to. I haven’t done that since I was 5 or 6. I ate it up!

My apt was turned into a beer pong area so the guys could play. I got in on one game and I surprisingly did well up until the last cup. Yeah the guys beat us. But whatever. It was a close one. Then everyone started getting sloppy and spilling shit on my floor. Yes, I had tarps down but it was getting too much and I decided it was game over and cleaned up. The night ended with Uncle Matt drunk as a skunk refusing to get off the karaoke machine. Oh god…it was so funny and so horrible at the same time. Was in bed by 12:30.

Christmas day was pretty relaxed. Woke up feeling really sad like I did last year and put on the yule log while I made a cup of tea. Took a shower and watched “it’s a wonderful life” like I do every year. And yes, I cried like a little bitch. Again. God I love that movie. Spoke to the fam and went upstairs for dinner and dessert. Came back down and fell asleep on the couch at around 10. moved to the bedroom. Fin.

As for gifts I got a new bag, pair of shoes and some clothes. I have to return a sweater because its just too ugly on me. We got a new kick ass shower curtain and rug for the bathroom. Got a few board games and tons of pastries. I know it may not seem like much. But I’m actually pretty satisfied. I could always use more clothes u know? But there was nothing else I really wanted except for an ipod. And I think I’m getting that for my b day so I’m set. It’s weird how when u get older, you don’t really need too much.

I’ve still got some cash to spend. SWEET!

My nuts roasting on an open fireee

I am happy as heck today! Really, I have no idea why. I guess it’s the holidays. You know me and shopping, I could do that forever and it makes me feel like I’ve touched heaven. Luv it.

I think I’m just really anxious to start anew with my wardrobe. This weekend it’s on. I’ve been surfin the web and I have a clear picture in my mind as to what I want. Shopping sprees are just the shit.

I’m addicted to amazon.com. Why? Because I have no credit card and they accept bank accounts. I’ve been buying like a kitty on crack. It’s amazing. You can find anything you frikken want. I suggest it to all that don’t have the plastic. I bought a handbag this morning. Now I told my hubby that I wanted a coach one, but come on. That stuff is crazy expensive and I found one on this site for 30 bucks and it’s just as lovely. Some of the ones listed are horrid, but you just gotta browse. There was only one left so I jumped on it and called him to let him know. I think he was in the process of finding the one I wanted, but I find that if I’m gunna make myself over it shouldn’t be about labels. It’s about looking good no matter what cost. The trick is to fool them all.

I shouldn’t complain about this, but Brian making more money is bad on my figure. He keeps taking me out to dinner. God I love eating. Now that we can afford it, I’m going to join a gym again. I had great results when I went last time u know? This workout tape shit isn’t doing as much as I thought. I’d rather do the elyptical machine for a half hour like I use to. If they have classes im deff. gunna do that too. I’ll keep ya posted.

Gotta gooooooo

Quit it!

Dear Germs,

Why must you always pick on me? I know this sounds mean, but I don’t live alone u know. You could maybe once in a while give me a break right? I think so. Now I know I work in a cold warehouse but this is happening at least once a week. I’m getting in trouble for staying home and taking care of it, so now I have to suffer at work or else I will not get paid. I think that once I am done with this current disease, you should leave me alone. Because I’m sure that after this I’ll be getting my monthly frenemy since my body doesn’t like me either.

It’s not like I’m even rebelling against you. I’ve been home since this past weekend in bed hoping the next day will be better than the last. I am now in the stage where my nose is falling apart and I have to apply chap stick. And by the way, I only have cherry chap stick so I look like Rudolph. My co workers are taunting me with the song. And the smell of Lysol is making me nauseous.

Please….oh please….stop attacking me. Thank you.

Vanessa

Rainstorm, take me away from the norm

WTF? That is all I have to say to start this Monday morning. So I check my email and I have at least six or seven of them saying that Chris (yes…the ex….ugh remember that mess?) has sent me messages. I go and look, and he’s harassing me. I don’t know if he was drunk or what but he just starts going off saying I have no feelings, trying to get me to confess that I slept with this guy Sean I use to chill with, just ridiculous shit. That I just wanted him to call mine and to cuddle with. Do u see what the hell I’m saying?

Insanity. He had to be wasted. So whatever I wrote him back this big paragraph. I said that after reading all 75 or so messages this was all I had to say. (I will condense) Basically I just said that if he’s unhappy that’s not my problem .That he has no right to say that I have no feelings or that I didn’t care and that he wasn’t going to bully me into any confession he wanted to hear. If he’s not over it then I don’t know what to do, but that I’m really happy with what I’ve got now. He wasn’t there when I was crying wondering why he didn’t want to hang out with my friends, when he just wanted to stay home all the time. That love IS someone to call your own and to cuddle with. You other half. And that like I’ve said a million times before I forgave him long ago. I forgive because it preserves sanity. Harping on shit like that can make you mad. And that when he wants to stop acting like a jackass, I’ll be here if he needs me.

And maybe I should just stop being there ya know? I should have told him to fuck off. But I know he has issues. And it actually felt good putting him in his place. I don’t really think anyone close to him wants to say “Just get the fuck over it.” U know? So I did. He needs a reality check big time. If he ever wants to be happy then he needs to stop letting past events eat away at his soul. And he can get mad at me all he wants. But the truth remains the same. It would have never worked out. I want someone who can take care of me, who has responsibility, who can handle the real world. And he still has not reached any of that and probably wont ever. And it’s sad. Maybe he realizes that, and that’s why he gets so frustrated.

I mean I don’t know what he expects me to say in a message to him every day. Bitching that I only write one sentence. He reminds me of my mom. She calls every day when she knows nothing exciting in my life happens to talk about. What does he want me to do? Make up stuff. No. It’s same shit different day. Find more friends to talk to if I don’t have enough for you to breathe off of. He can be such a freak show. Seriously.

Besides that I’m sick again. Only this time it’s throat cold thing. I started off with a sore throat and now it’s a cough. I caught it early though. I’ve been drinking that emergenC stuff, taking drops, and lathering myself in vapo rub. Chilled out for most of the weekend. Omg…I’m really becoming an old hag.

I can only give you country walks in springtime...

Yup so yesterday was a total mess. I think I kind of needed it to be. I had all this frustration about life, about me.

And I think I just needed to spew it all out and cry. Which I did. And today, it’s weird but I feel a lot better. And I know it’s also strange to say this but I spoke to Brian about it and he actually helped. I know man, I know.

I’m very much in denial of growing up and seeing how fast it goes is scaring the bajesus outta me. It’s not the way it use to be at all. Everyone I care about is distant, even if they are right around the corner u know? Everyone’s got their own plans, and I feel so left behind sometimes. I’ve got two that I see once a week and that should be good but it’s not because I just miss us all knowing everything going on with one another. And then the other friend is away further and I only know a hint of what going on in her blog. Momo! I have no idea what’s going on with her, what she does at this new job, how things are going at the new place, the holiday plans, what she dreams of for the future.

I just want everyone to come back. And I know it can’t, only forwards. No going backwards. But it would be nice.

I seriously only go out once a week. And lately I’ve been staying in on weekends too. Everyone calling me lame cuz I wanna get dropped off lol. I don’t know why. I like to sleep? I do, I don’t know man. Maybe I just like being home. I like the place to be clean, I like to watch the things I taped the previous day while I eat dinner and wait for Brian to come home so that I have someone to sit next to me.

I think I’m just tired of partying it up. And that sounds doubly strange cuz I use to pound down a pint in a minute and move on to the next. Something that I am deff proud of. Who can say they can drink guys under the table? You can thank my dad for that one. I think it has something to do with that too. I’m fully aware of my own addictions, weather it be substance or emotional. And I’m just tired of letting them take over. And last weekend I was just done. I didn’t feel like drinking and I just wanted to go home. I know I’ve said it countless times, but I’ll continue to do so for the rest of my life. And so will everyone else. I’m going to try to be better. And I guess the test will come tomorrow. I think I can do it. Irene is a great person to talk to. She’s seems a lot like me and I think she would have a lot of good input for me. His whole family loves to drink, but I think I’ll be alright with her. I’ll be eating dinner with her and maybe I’ll just have wine. That makes me sleepy. It’s when I don’t eat that it becomes a problem. I can’t say that I’m not worried about it still because I am. I don’t wanna fall anymore. But at the same time I have to think of it this way, She can’t drink a lot because we have to pick up her daughter at ten. So probably by that time I’ll be sleepy and wanna chill out at home. It’s restrictions that I need. And the only person to set them is me. And that’s a lot tougher of a task then it sounds.

I lied about Barry Manilow. I think I just liked the way he sang one of those Christmas songs I heard on the radio yesterday. And copa cabana. But everyone likes that one. Sorry about that. It’s a Rod Stewart kind of day. Feelin good man. Feelin good.

But if you try sometimes, you might find you get what you need.

It’s been so boring here at work that I just don’t know what to do with myself. Yesterday I would have bought a magazine if I hadn’t read them all already. Lol. I ended up getting a very large can or Redbull instead. Something I totally regretted later on.

Since I’ve made the decision to take caffeine out of my life it’s been pretty grand. I drink water mostly and find that when I’m thirsty that’s the only thing I’ll really gravitate towards. Gotta say, a cold glass of water sure makes me complete :p

But now when I have Redbull I’m like a damn kitty on crack. Seriously, I think it’s liquid cocaine. It makes me go to the bathroom constantly and I’m just pumped up and really jolly. It’s pretty crazy. I had it around lunch time at work and I didn’t start to crash until about 9ish over at Thom’s house. I felt like such a tard, I was like “Sorry guys, I had a Redbull today and I’m pretty hyped. Sorry if I’m talking way too much or just have way too much energy than u two.” And then I crashed hardcore. I was ready to hit the sack by 10. So I’ve decided that I’m going to have to part ways with Redbull for awhile. Gosh it’s so tasty, but the feeling of my heart jumping out of my chest isn’t fun. Geez, can’t I have anything for myself besides chocolate? Wait I have the XXX vitamin water. That doesn’t seem to let me down. I never would have thought I would like that stuff. How fetti of me.

So I’m still pretty grumpy. I’m thinking it’s cuz I’m not with the fam. Every year around this time I get lonely. Also, I’m getting discouraged with the whole weight issue. I feel like no matter how much working out I do nothing is happening. I see a difference but it’s not what I want really. I don’t know. The problem is that I need a whole new wardrobe. I’m getting a shopping spree for Christmas again so that’s good. I think that I just need to accept the fact that bodies change in time and that it’s not always so easy. I’ve decided that I’m going to completely change my style. I couldn’t figure it out for awhile u know? For some reason when it comes to finding myself in all aspects of life, I have a hell of a time figuring it out. I spend so much time wanting what someone else has, when I should really be paying attention to the things that make me who I am. Like Gwen Stefani for instance. I want all of that! I want to be that. The style she’s got, the laid back attitude. But then I think about it, and I could never pull off the outfits she puts together.
If I tried I would end up looking like a painting on LSD.

I’ve decided to start being more dressy. More dress pants and nice shirts. I do work in my own office and maybe I should start dressing a little bit more professional again. It makes me feel good and I look nice too. I’ll still have the jeans and such, but I’ve been really starting to think like Tim Gunn. I like looking a little bit older and put together. Now all I wear is baggy shirts and jeans. I don’t think I give myself enough credit is what I’m saying. If I just take a little more time in what I chose to wear it will make a big difference. I’m pretty excited about it.

I think that I’m going to add Barry Manilow to my list of guilty pleasures. Hell to tha yeah. Laterrrrr

Christmas came early

Oooooooook. So, It happened. She was really pregnant. Apparently around 4am today she went to the hospital and they had a c section. My only problem now is this. She said she was having twin boys right? I find out that they are both girls. Then I find out that one did not make it. That sounds odd to me. If you pregnant you have to go to the doctor all the time. You would know for sure what the sex of the baby is if you found out ahead of time no? So the conclusion I’ve drawn up is that she knew all along that she was going to have one child. I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t just say that. But then again maybe I’m wrong. I have not heard from her sister yet. She was also skeptical of this so when I had spoken with her she was on the way to the hospital. I’m sure I will know what the deal is sometime later.

I still can’t help but feel that way ya know? There’s only so many times you can cry wolf. And she has since we were 9 years old. I feel like I have the right, but I feel like total crap at the same time.

Maybe she did really have 2. Everyone who knows her knows she doesn’t take the greatest care of herself. So maybe that’s why. Maybe she smoked. I don’t know. But I’m happy and sad at the same time. If she lost one of two, then I feel horrible. Losing a little human being who’s been growing inside you for 9 months is devastating. I just wish I had the number to her room so I could talk to her.

It’s really odd this feeling. I’m happy as hell to have a little one to see when I go down there. But I still don’t believe a damn thing. God, I am rotten.