Lights will guide u home

Yeah I know…its been way too long. I apologize to those who actually read this lol. I’ve been super busy so I guess its time for an update.

My new job is good. I work with all women, which was strange at first considering I get along with men and had worked with all men for four years. But they are all sweet ladies.

We have Tina and Tatiana who are both temps and young moms. Both started a few weeks ahead of me so we are pretty much all on the same boat when it comes to the learning experience. We have our Portuguese office mother Mabilia whom we call for help at least a hundred times daily because she’s been with the company for about nine years. She is patient and kind, not easily irritated by our constant nagging but by the company in general and their silly ways. She’s very neat and clean, always using her purel and cries when she laughs too hard, which is mostly 90 percent of the time lol.
We have Linda who is the office manager. She’s nice most of the time, but when irritated can get a little bit crazy, but never towards us which is good. She’s getting married soon to someone she met on one of those dating sites. But I suppose u can’t really knock it till u try.

90 percent of the time work is usually good. We do have the extremely busy days, and then the super boring days where you scrape together something to do so u look busy when the big guy comes walkin around. Lately though, I feel like I’ve been the only one getting the harassing phones calls.

And maybe I’ve just been sensitive bc my gremlin was arriving but I was harassed by an extremely rude man for two days. And just when I shook that guy away I get more. What I hate most is when they make you feel like your stupid. And I know…I know….they do this because I am a sweet voice and once u know you have someone like that you take full advantage. But these past few days have started to really get to me. Yeah, so I need to develop thick skin and be a little bit more assertive when someone comes at me. But u know what? I will never change completely. It’s been a month and I haven’t changed. I’m not going to. So this shit is going to continue. And I’m really starting to get bogged down by people who continuously act condescending towards me. I understand they aren’t angry at me per say, but I am the one they get first so it’s only natural. And I’m starting to realize more and more each day that I am at the shit end of this totem pole we call Interboro Insurance. And I’m not really liking it. I’m not really happy either. I feel that I don’t get paid enough to wear all the hats. Answer all the questions other departments should be in charge of but aren’t bc they refuse to pick up their extensions. I don’t get paid enough to be verbally abused. Yes I am getting paid more, and the environment as whole is better, but does that outweigh general happiness? I don’t really think so.

But I’m going to stick it out for the good days where no one gives me a tude. For the days where there is nothing to do but talk and laugh. For the days I get paid. And for the future, because once I reach the year mark I’m tranferring to another department. Because that will not be the last of it. Because customer service is not my forte. It’s not challenging enough and it’s not what I deserve. I have no doubt that a transfer would be a problem after a year. So for now I will wait. But I do feel a lot better venting it to u. Its been quite a while since I’ve been able to vent. I’ve just had no time. I go from work to the gym to home to cook to clean to passing out on my couch without realizing it. No more time for the net or anything else really. But I suppose this is life, right?


Other than those things I previously mentioned…which if u think about it are very small on the scale of horrible things to deal with…life has been really good to me. I do feel my life is progressing. I feel like I’m on a definite path now. I don’t feel unsure about much these days. And being able to pay bills with ease and just be able to enjoy the simplest of things that I couldn’t before is awesome. I threw that party for Brian’s b day and I have to say, that was my first time really being a hostess. Sure I didn’t enjoy the party because I was either cleaning or getting food prepared…but I feel oddly satisfied by that. I’m starting to feel like an adult. I like cleaning and laundry….these things….that most people loathe to do….I quite like. I find it puzzling but good. Brian came home late from work the other day and I found it so domestically cute that while he was showering I microwaved the meal I made earlier and cracked him open a beer so It was waiting for him when he got out. I like….being a wife….and im not even one yet. I like…the normalcy of it. I feel like I can actually have the family life I’ve never really had. I mean I’m not knocking my life at all. I had it quite good. But this I feel…will be better. Something I’ve wanted my whole life. Which is to have something a little bit more stable then what I have experienced. My family is awesome, but being better is about learning from past mistakes…and we’ve all made so many. And I’m starting to feel like that’s all out of the way now. I haven’t had much anxiety. We have not fought in a long time. I cant even recall it. It’s like we are on this boat in the middle of nowhere, but the sea is calm, the weather is nice…and we have no idea where we are going. But that’s enough to satisfy. And all this time I’ve been thinking I was unsatisfiable and that I would never be at rest. But I am. And the feeling…I can’t really describe…it’s weightless. Burdonless. It’s just goodness. And I always want more of it.

Ooooooook….well…I guess that’s all for now. I will update soon.

If you want it, here it is. Come and get it.

So let me tell you about the awesome day I had yesterday. Now I know that in the previous blog I told you we were having the picnic. I know I also gave a brief description about the two alcoholic/junkies that work here. What I didn’t tell you was what happened that day involving the shadow boxer guy. Basically because we all didn’t expect what was going to happen.

Shadow boxer’s Name is Frank. He had previously been fired from here but rehired again. Why I don’t know. Like I said he goes in drunken binges the day he gets paid so the next day he’s usually sloshed. But yesterday was by far the worst it’s ever been. We aren’t sure if he had been drinking and didn’t go to sleep or if it involved more than just alcohol. First off the guy looked disgusting. His lips were chapped and dirty, it seemed obvious that he didn’t take care of himself before coming here. So he comes in late right, and he’s hammered as hell. Poor Yvette is trying to weigh the mail but his head is stuck in her window and he’s talking a mile a minute to her, not really making sense. And we’re all just trying to get the work done ya know? So he’s got slurred speech, not making sense and he’s just annoying everyone by following them and talking a mile a minute. Then he starts getting irate. Poor Marvin, he’s old so he can’t do as much as the other guys but he still can help. This guy is trying to start a fight with him, saying he’s mad cuz Marvin doesn’t do anything. At this point it’s a flash back for me. I had to deal with this growing up and I’m not gunna deal with it here. This guy is fuckin ridiculous. So I got so mad I yelled at him. I told him he was really annoying everyone and he needs to relax. I felt like punching him in the face, I truly did. It’s like, how much do I have to put up with here? This is bullshit. So whatever he got mad and was like “Yeah fine ok Vanessa I’ll relax.” And storms away. My hands were starting to shake, that’s how pissed I was.

So this guy goes to the picnic and everyone knows he’s jazzed up. He tries joking with the owners but makes no sense so they look at him like “what the hell’s he on?” Rocco’s getting pissed cuz he sees what I’m talking about and that he can’t use the machines that way. Plus he’s just making himself look bad. Then he starts fights with two different people. I forgot who the first was but he walked away all pissed off grumbling shit under his breath. Then he started a fight with Jerry the truck driver. Jerry’s like “you want me to take u out by the woods so no one can hear u?” It was crazy. And you know how it was handled? We pretended we all were going home after the picnic and dropped him off at the bus stop. He’s back here today with his head down like a sad puppy and no one’s talking to him. It’s just like r u kidding me? he would have been so fired. But Rocco’s too nice man. Whatever at this point the guy disgusts me. I don’t really wanna deal with him at all. At least I won’t have to for too much longer.

It just brings back memories. And I guess because of those memories I harbor some anger from it. But that’s ok ya know? I shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of crap at work. I thought I was done with that shit a while ago. It’s just nonsense.

So anyways the new job has me starting with 28,00 a year. That’s fantastic for me , plus the benefits, plus the cubicle!!! Yay! It’s just exciting. I hope that everything goes ok. I’m sure I’ll be just fine. I think I’m more nervous about the task at hand. I don’t know when I should put in my two weeks. I saw Rocco this morning and said nothing. I’m gunna wait till the end of the day I think. Should I have just gotten it over with? Ugh….my tummy.

Now my only consolation is that this could not last forever

Hey guys! So I think yesterday’s interview went well. I’m hoping to get a call today. Everyone seems very lax there. Very nice people as well. I didn’t realize how much clout my uncle has there until I saw all the cubicles and then his nice office separated from them lol…with a nice sign on the door with his name and everything. The woman I would be working under was like “Yeah he’s got the nicest office here, mine was a storage closet originally. Seriously.” So hopefully today will be the day…

I gotta tell you, I know this is going to sound absurd but I’ve always wanted a cubicle. Now I know what your thinking…Ness you have a nice office. And yes I do, but I’ve ALWAYS wanted a cubicle!!! They are soo frikken cute and u can stick stuff all over the walls. AAAhhhh how exciting right!!? I would get one if I get the job. God that would be sweet. I am such a weirdo.

I’m getting so tired of these drunken “I’m gunna be late” phone calls from my coworkers. One is already late and hasn’t called or anything yet, while the other already called clearly still boxed out of his socks saying he’s on the way. This means he’ll reek of alcohol and act all jazzed up, talking a mile a minute in a high pitched tone with periods of shadow boxing. I say this because it happens every Thursday. It’s the day after we get paid. And I’m not sure which is worse, him calling in or coming in like that. Then I’ve got the other guy who isn’t in yet so either one of two things will happen. He’ll come in late and rush to put his lunch in the fridge and say a quick hello, or I’ll get a call in about an hour with an explanation of either breathing or stomach problems. It’s all the same. Every week, every time. I mean, do you think I wanna work or something? Because I’d love to just blow my job off whenever I felt like it. Everyone who comes in and does the right thing would love to do that also. But it’s called responsibility, and it seems as though no one wants to issue some type of warning or anything. Truthfully, I went to the bar last night. I had four pints and mozzarella sticks and was in bed by midnight. And I’m here, not even hungover or anything. I’m on time and ready to get the jobs done. It not hard to have your cake and eat it too, if u do it wisely. Apparently they are not so wise then.

It’s obvious at this point that I’m being used and/or walked over. And so are the other decent human beings here. And it’s totally time for me to move on. Because if I don’t these people will do this to me for the rest of my life. And I’m no slave. Not to anyone but me at least. I’m trying not to be miserable here, but I’m just tired of the crappola. And I’m sure if u guys were in my shoes for a bit, you would understand exactly how discouraging this place can be at times.

The only positive for today will be the ever so anticipated Lazarus Marketing Company picnic. Ahhh yes… I’ll see folks that I’ve probably talked to via phone for the past four years but not know what they look like or whom they are until they address me with a hello. And then at that point I’ll try to act like I know who they are and give them a “hello!” and “how are u?” Then it’s onto the buffet where they’ll have bunch of good stuff along with undercooked burgers that will end up being given to the caterer to cook a bit more, followed by a speech from the owners. That will follow with the winner of the raffle… and of course since all of us are here and not at the main building to even know about it, we won’t be included. Yes folks… I am Vanessa…and this is my life. Lol.

Do whatcha want, but u neva gunna break me. sticks and stones r neva gunna shake me ohhh..oohoooohh

Hey guys! So today’s the day...the interview. I was a bit anxious early on this week but I’m feeling pretty ok right now. I know it’s been four years since I’ve been in an interview, but I think it’s gunna go well. I’m pretty put together, my resume is stellar. There really shouldn’t be a reason why I don’t get this job. I really hope that I do.

It’s basically got everything I’ve ever wanted or needed from a job: Raise every six months, dental, vision, and medical, vacation days I can take whenever I want, and opportunity to move up. If I get this thing, I’m gunna have to buy my uncle a hell of a lot of coffee and cigarettes.

I can’t help but get more irritated by the day being at this place. Now that Rocco’s gone he calls me from the main office all the time. And I don’t mind it…but if he’s trying to train Tom on all these things, shouldn’t he be calling him and filling him in rather than me? I’m starting to feel like I’m taking on more than I should. This guy isn’t going to have a clue unless you get him involved and I feel like they call me and then I make things organized for him ya know? I mean, I’m probably being dramatic about this…but in my opinion I’m not getting paid enough to deal with it. Sorry. And I’ve just basically had it period.

You’ve got two workers who either come in late or don’t at all. But since my job is a bit more important I get flack if I don’t come in, or even notify them in advance if possible. I ask for a raise I think I deserve and it ends with a demeaning letter that tells me I’m only gunna get half of what I asked and that I’m on probation. I’ve been busting my ass, helping out tom and trying to make this transition smoother. I’ve been in every day, on time. I even stayed late a few times. I just don’t feel like I really get any credit. Sure, people sing my praises to the owners. But then what? That’s all it is…good words. There’s no moving up…because I’m just too good at my job. And they need me to stay where I am. Whatever.


It’s all about the insurance, baby lol. Pray for me…cuz if I don’t get this I quit. I already woke up late today…so I hope that’s not a bad sign. Laterz

Save the dramz for ur mamz

Hola guys and dolls! Sorry it’s been awhile. I’ve been super busy.

Pretty much settled in the new apt. We need cable and a couch, as well as a few odds and ends. But that will come in time. I’m pretty much done with paying off my kohl’s card. Once that’s done I’ll charge some more stuff on there. Gotta love that thing.

Nothing else is really new otherwise. Been going to the gym and it’s working so im pretty stoked about it. I need some new clothes and a bathing suit.

Doing the physical therapy for my knee. The ortho said I might need shots but he’s not sure as of yet. I’d rather not but he said he wants to try all options. He keeps saying that even though it’s getting better, basically I can’t do any type of activity without it bothering me and it shouldn’t be happening at all at my age. So we are just gunna play it by ear. He also said we could fight for more free Physical therapy when I run out. In a way I feel a bit discouraged because it bothers me everyday and I thought I would be well over this by now. I suppose I just need patience. It is getting better, I just have to take it one day at a time. In the end I guess this means I’ll get a better settlement. As much as I want free money (who doesn’t), sometimes I don’t think this accident is worth it.

Hanging out with Shannon on Thursday. I’m most likely going to bring up the texting incident so I can get some kind of explanation. It needs to be worked out. I’m tired of feeling awkward about it. This doesn’t mean that I’m not still wary of her, but at least they’ll be some sort of closure on my part. In no way will things ever be the same, but working things out is best for the kids and the family as a whole. If we can be ok with one another than I’m fine. But ok is about all it’s gunna be.

Saw my cousin Candace at the bar last week. It wasn’t too uncomfortable for me, why should it be? She didn’t say anything to me and I said nothing to her. Pretty much pretended to be invisible. But I was talking to Joe Curren, who is apparently friends with the cousins and while he’s talking to me and playing catch up, this fat bitch friend of hers calls him over. Kind of like a don’t talk to her situation. I’m like “ok, love how everyone can be adults here.” And Brian was like “What do u expect babe, they’re idiots.” I hope they heard that because I had no problem saying it loud. It’s redonkulous that I have to put up with BS four years later. I haven’t seen this girl for four years and still, when I have to she’s got her friends fighting her battles with petty shit like that. I went to school with the guy, it’s none of your business bitch, go eat a piece of cake ya know? I mean he was nice and all, it’s just that stupid shit. What I love is how some people believe what they hear, and it’s usually one sided. But what can you do? Those are the ignorant ones. As long as I do what I keep doing I’m good. I’m just saying it’s silly that the first time I have to be in the same room this stupid shit happens. It’s unnecessary. Unfortunately some never grow up. I’ll have to keep reminding myself that.

So yea…that’s all. BS mixed in with me trying to get my life together in a new place. What else is new? The dramz follows u everywhere lol. Laterrrr

I beg your pardon...I never promised you a rose garden

Hey guys and dolls. Lots of good things coming ‘round I must say. Finally some decent luck.

We got the paint for the rooms yesterday and I’m just smitten as heck about it. We are gunna paint tonight. I decided last night that we were going to paint only three out of the four rooms for right now. I like the color of the living room and it’s pretty clean so I figured if anything we can wait to paint that room for another weekend or so. We are also going to rent a steam cleaner for the carpet because the people before us made it look like such shit.

Can I ask you all something? If your renting, wouldn’t you try to clean your spillage on the carpet? It’s obviously not yours. It is but temporarily. My point is that this stuff isn’t yours and if you were a decent person you would treat those items with respect. Yes in time things happen that cannot be fully fixed, but making the effort is just something that comes naturally. At least for me. I’ve been constantly cleaning my old apartment during this whole thing. Because in my opinion you should try to make it look the way it did when you first moved in. But these people left everything filthy. The shower is in no way usable right now. The carpets have chocolate stains all over. It’s either in dribbles or in big stains. It’s annoying to me because it’s clearly shown that they didn’t even try. Dribble stains people! Who just spills something and leaves it there? I just don’t get it. They could have at least done that for us. Whatever.

I’m the end I know it’s going to look like a million bucks. All the money I just spent on this stuff is gunna make it all worth it. Everything will be nice and clean. Just the way I like it.

A little tid bit for today. Brian called me up and said that he was working on the house Sean and Gina use to live in. That was the house behinds his father’s. Anyways he was chatting with Sean’s father and we come to find out that he is married and has a daughter. Wow man, how time changes things. Seans a dad. That’s great. I also had him ask how AJ was and he’s now a cop in the city. He became a cop just like his dad. I gotta say, I’m just happy that everyone is doing well. They were both really good guys. It’s pretty crazy how things use to be. Him being with Gina was horrible. Both of them were going nowhere and now look at them both. It just makes me smile. Apparently Sean’s dad Told Brian I was the only one he really liked and would love a visit. He said that Sean and his family come by every Sunday for a BBQ and that if we wanted to come by we could. Really nice man. What a good day. I would like to take him up on that, but probably not until we get settled. It would be good to see him. I’m curious to see his spawn lol.


I finally have time to hall my ass to the gym. I haven’t gone this week at all and it shows. I ate like a frikken pig when I went camping. No good at all. I have to go at least today and tomorrow. Ugh. Later bitches.

crafty like ice is cold

Hey hey! Hope everyone got plenty of rest from the three day weekend. Although I didn’t get as much as I would have liked, I still have a good time.

Camping was ok. Like I said, I’m not really a camper so I wasn’t super excited to go. But I managed. Shannon chatted with me like nothing had ever existed, which I find amusing. But whatever, it’s a family trip and I wouldn’t have had a good time if she ignored me like the last get together. Everyone’s family came, including Brian’s mother and brother. Lots of food and laughs. The only thing I hated was the climate change. We literally held onto each other for dear life in our sleep to keep warm. We even had five or so blankets and that didn’t help. So by Monday I really just wanted to head home to a warm bed and have an uninterrupted sleep. We left around 11:30 or so and got home around 4:30ish. Yeah man, I hate long rides. I got really bad sunburn too. Yikes.

I also really enjoyed the lack of phone reception. I never realized how many people call me. It was pretty awesome. People call me all the time to see what’s up ya know? and I do nothing crazy to talk about so I’d rather not pick up at all. So I guess I wish I could have brought that back with me lol. All in all, it was pretty tops. Now I’m back at work where it’s hella busy. It’s weird really, how when your home you want to work because your bored and when your at work you wanna be home. Never satisfied I tell ya. I think that if I could just win the lotto things would be awesome.

We also picked out colors for the apt. yesterday. We are hoping to get that started tomorrow. The sooner the better. We need to have it done before the furniture gets in. it’s just easier. I’m frikken excited! Every time I go there I can’t believe how awesome it is. I’m just so use to being underground. This place is just too good to be true. Only this time it’s a keeper. I think it’s gunna look so much better once it’s cleaned and painted. Love it.

I just want it done man….i wanna relax! Lata

Yeah im crazy but i get the job done.

Ok very quick update.

They are renting a car and going to meet us all there on Saturday rather than today. I guess god doesn’t hate me as much as I thought.

Got my car fixed for the trip. I misplaced the assembly instructions for our tent so now we have to figure it out when we get there. I’m leaving at three so we can be there by dinner time and get going with putting that shit up. I am pretty excited now that we are on the cusp. Haha…I said cusp. Im so smart.

Moving in Sunday of next week but will be installing the oven and painting every room before we get in.

Went back to PT and have a new Doc. He’s really cool, a smart ass like myself. It’s working out lovely. And u know what? Even though im going to the gym he still says my leg muscles are weak. BOO…he should have seen them beforehand then lol.

I’m in a great frikken mood. I have no idea why but I hope it stays. Hope y’all have a good weekend! Happy memorial day!!! Woot woot!

Nobody cries...only butterflies

I gotta say, god LOVES to test my patience. But at this point, all I can do is laugh. It’s just too funny.

So supposedly John is a big fuck up and can’t use his car on the trip to the camp ground. So guess who’s carpooling? I know, don’t you just wanna die? I was like r u kidding me? lol this ride should be pretty interesting at best. At this point I’m not uncomfortable in the slightest. She’s the one who couldn’t even look at me. I’m guessing that most of the trip will be in silence unless John is in the mood to chat away. I don’t care if they are coming with us…just as long as I’m in the front. Seriously all I can do is laugh. It just figures. I won’t fail this test G man…u just wait and see. I’m done with being a brat. I’ll be on my best behavior.

So we are starting to slowly move our stuff into the apt. We met the tenants upstairs. They seem cool. The guy plays base so there u go. We got it in the bag. I had forgotten how awesome and big the place is until I went back. We’ve decided that we are gunna repaint the whole place. Besides the fact that the people before left the place filthy, it would just be nice to start off fresh and clean. Some of the colors are just awful. I’ve got moss green in my kitchen. Ewww. Yeah no. So next weekend we are going to take the whole day to paint and clean. He got us a new oven so we offered to pick that up and hook it up. He got us a new door and I gotta say besides looking secure, it’s gorgeous. I really cannot wait to have a housewarming. You guys will deffinately approve once it’s all spiffed up. The only problem I have is that there is no storage. No extra closets besides one that we have to share. It’s not tiny but I just don’t know where most of our shit is gunna go. So I’ve decided that maybe I just need to throw out stuff that I don’t need. I’ve already emptied out three boxes of uselessness. I feel kinda good doing that. Just having this clean slate feeling is pretty fab. So we’re on our way. Yessssss

My lawyer also won my battle for getting more free pt. I get twice a week for 6 more weeks. I think that’s great, because now we can focus more on my knee. And it still hurts by the way. Whenever I go to the gym i’m always limping a little after. And it’s still has slight bruising. Pretty fucked up right? I didn’t realize how injured I am until I started going back and taking classes. Like if I jump around I feel it right in my knee cap. It’s crazy. But anyways I need the documentation for my case. I had initially spent more time on the back. But now that it seems to be ok I wanna really work at getting my knee better.

Other than that, it’s been super busy at work. Andy G is retiring which means Rocco will be going to the main building. We have a new guy here but he has no experience. He’s getting there, we’ve only been training him for a week or so. Either way, Rocco is going to talk to the owners to see if they will give me more money because now I will be working with the new guy and not under him. I’m basically teaching him all my shit from scratch and my position is more valuable now. If I’m gone they’ll be totally lost. So I’m happy that he’s gunna do that. I hope I get what I initially asked for. I’ll find out next month. Wish me luck. Lataaaaa

Scooby dooby do...where r u

Hi guyz. Yeah yesterday was a pretty sucky day. I’m a little bit better today I guess.

I suppose I just have to focus on the positive. We will be seeing Brian’s mom and PJ. And I guess it’s gunna be funny to watch all the adults get drunk later on. Hopefully some will fall or something comical like that. I know with Matt, that shit it inevitable. He’s quite the drinker.

Apparently my nana can tell that something’s wrong. She had spoken with my mother yesterday wondering what was going on. God forbid I’m human and have feelings. I don’t know why it’s so hard for some to understand when I’m feeling blue. Am I just here for bubbly entertainment? Sometimes I truly think so.

I can’t help it that I’m finally realizing that being an adult blows. I’m constantly checking the funds. I’m concerned with the fact that instead of moving things in early like we were suppose to, I now have to go on a camping trip that I’m not so keen on. And I can’t help that because of all the family get together’s that have been happening lately that I’m just not as jolly as I use to be. I don’t feel apart of the group anymore. I guess because of this Shannon shit I’ve been distancing myself. I know that they all love me and want me to be there. But when I am there, I’m really not. I’m in a separate room, and I don’t feel like I have much to say. Everyone’s always asking what’s new, and there is nothing. My life is boring. The only thing I do is go to pt and the gym. I don’t have money to really go out. There’s just nothing to say. And I guess because I’m not chit chatting away, there must be something wrong with me.

Pete got upset because on my way out to go to the grad party on Sunday I had apparently brushed him off and didn’t say hello, or goodbye or a kiss. At this point I’m just like “God r u kidding me?” I went downstairs to do my hair, came back up to say quick goodbyes because I just wanted out of there. I complimented him on the meal, I spoke with him. And now he thinks I don’t like him. And of course I can’t fully explain why I just wanted to leave. I told Irene I feel uncomfortable being around Shannon and I just wanted to get out of there. I explained the whole thing. And she was like “No I know, I told him he was just being too sensitive.”

Seriously… my family does not cause this much BS. I know I use to think my family sucked, but now I’m reconsidering it. I know we’re petty…but we’re not this petty are we? I think that the reason I’m feeling this way is because I just wanna get out of living under the family’s roof. I just want to start anew without dealing with anyone u know? I like his family…I really do…but I think space is needed.

I know I told Brian I was really gunna try to have fun on this trip. But I don’t think that’s really gunna happen. But hey…I’m a fuckin puppet. Slap on a fake smile and I’m good. Add some beer to that and I’ll be frikken jolly as santa.

Look im just stressed. Gimme a break.

Beware criminal

So Brian’s brother Richie is moving to Arizona on Wednesday. Sunday we had a big dinner for him and all family and friends came. This included Shannon and the kids. What ever. I swear, this whole situation makes me mad as heck. I can’t seem to really get over it.

She couldn’t even look at me. Well good bitch you shouldn’t. You got fuckin caught. And no one knows about what happened still, because when Reenie tried talking to me about her I was like “ I don’t know, we don’t talk anymore.” She said “Oh yeah that’s right, didn’t she say something about you disappointing her?” I think I remember what scenario she’s talking about, but either way I just let her think that was why. I mean this whole thing is fuckin bullshit. If no one really knows what happened that means John doesn’t know either. And I’m just fuckin pissed that I have to keep my mouth shut about it. It’s not right. And Brian can say or think whatever he wants. But honestly sometimes I think it’s been going on for awhile and I just didn’t see it. Maybe he always ignored it, or maybe he was responding. I wish I knew for sure.

What makes me suspicious is that he’ll make the argument of it being sent to him by accident. R u kidding me? Because she sent not one, but four messages. It was a god damn conversation. Do they think I’m an idiot? Please. Then he said maybe it’s because her and John were having problems. A possibility yes, But that shit never happened when they had problems before.

I understand that she does nothing during the day, that she doesn’t really have many friends. And John is working all the time. She’s lonely I get that. But to do this….i just don’t see a valid reason. Ever since I let her know that I saw what was going on he hasn’t been getting many text messages since. That seems kinda weird. See what I mean?

But then I’ve got to think that he would never do that to his brother. That maybe he didn’t want to say anything because it will cause a lot of problems that involve him. He doesn’t want to fight with John. I don’t think he’s attracted to her. I don’t think anything is going on really. But like I said, I think he’s trying to make it less of an ordeal. And I’m sorry but that shit don’t fly with me. At one point I was considering making amends, because I’m sure this is pretty uncomfortable for everyone. Hell I feel the tension. But after yesterday I just don’t even have the desire. Seeing that she can’t even make eye contact shows me she knows she was wrong. She doesn’t want confrontation and she won’t start anything because she knows I won’t hold back anything. I don’t fuckin care how mad she is, or how fucked up she thinks it is that I don’t want her talking to him. Yes, I shouldn’t have looked in his phone. But in the end I feel it was meant to be. I was meant to see the shit she pulls. Because she would have acted the same to me, all friendly and what not. Also, who knows how long it would have been going on. How long would he have let it go? Would he have told her to stop? I wanna say yes. And it’s sad that I can’t be sure of it. It’s like I know, but I don’t know.

And now we’re going frikken camping this weekend coming up. All the family is going and his mom and pj are gunna visit. Matt offered to pay for us so that we could go. He said the next time we all get together like this will probably be a long time from now. So whatever, now I’ve gotta spend the whole weekend and watch these people get shit faced and have a good time like nothings wrong. I’ve honestly been acting differently since this shit. Not just if Shannon’s around, but just in general. I don’t like drinking with the family because I’m sure something would happen so I just drink soda. I’m just not feelin the family togetherness I use to feel. So no, this won’t be enjoyable for me. I’ll most likely be in bed early the whole time. I’m sorry I can’t pretend that I’m fuckin happy to be there. I’m not gunna act like every thing’s ok. It’s not and it won’t be until everyone’s honest with one another. I’m cranky today. I really am and I apologize for it. This just blows for me. I’m not in the mood to go camping, and I’m deffinitley not in the mood to be camping with them. The one day off from work I get I have to spend it with others that bother the crap out of me. Fan frikken tastic.

Everybody's workin for the weekend

It is officially the end of the world…I am now a three beer queer. I’m so sad.

These past couple days we’ve been going out and having some drinks. CJ plays almost every damn night with his cover band so we usually go to see them for a bit. If not, we’ve been going with Al to Effin Groovin.

What I’ve noticed is that after three drinks I’m already woozy as heck. What the hell happened to me? I’m blaming it on the new diet. I eat a lot more salads and I get full much quicker. I’ve also noticed that my rings are looser as well. So I’m thinking because I eat less and weigh less it’s hitting me much quicker than it use to. And I’m ok with it. At Effin Groovin the other day, Brian was drinking faster than I was. What a change huh? He was like “Look baby I’m drinking faster than you, catch up.” And I’m like “Yeah I know, I’m trying …but I’m sooo full.” Lol

Yesterday when Brian went to hug me and picked me up he said I felt lighter and he could see the difference. I’m glad he does because I can’t really tell yet. I can see slight changes in my body. Like I said my rings fit comfortably again, and when I wear a t shirt my muffin top doesn’t seem to protrude as much lol. So I’m happy. I’m starting to get to the point where I no longer wear my boyfriend’s t shirts in order to feel comfortable. I doubt that I’ll be bikini ready, but tankini is fine with me. I’ve been going three times a week. Just gotta keep on keeping on. I don’t really wanna do what I did last time with synergy, which was going all the damn time. I went every single day and did classes plus weights. As much as I enjoyed that body, I just don’t feel like completely committing to the gym. Whatever works man.

I guess that’s all for now. More in the future. lataaaa

Y-O-U-R makin this hard

Ok I’ve got lots and lots of updating to do. I’m slackin big time.

We have found another apartment. It happens to be across the street from my old elementary school, so I kind of feel safe in that area. I mean, it’s right there with the shopping center and about 10 blocks away from my old house. Plus it’s cheaper too.

It’s in one of those double ranch houses where the basement is the first floor. Its got a big living room, bathroom, and bedroom. The only thing that lacks space is the kitchen. You take this hallway down and to the right and the kitchen is there. But I find it to have a lot more space than the kitchen we have now so I’m not really disappointed with it. It just needs to be repainted. But we also have access to the laundry room so it totally saves us money. We’re spending a lot less as a whole with this one, so I’m pretty happy with that. The couple that is occupying the place right now are suppose to be out by the 18th, so the owner said we could start moving things in if we wanted. Sounds good to me. I’m starting to go crazy with all the clutter. I just want this to be over with at this point.

The owner of this house is a cop. And he frikken acts like it too. He doesn’t really seem to trust us and I’m guessing he won’t until the check clears. We tried to reassure him by telling of the people we know and what not. We also told him we would give him a list of references and our job numbers. Now, if you give all that stuff to someone it should show some kind of honesty wouldn’t it? But we’re telling him and he’s like “Well that’s great, but then again how am I suppose to know?” So at that point I was just like “Well we wont’ give them to you if you don’t want them, I’m just saying we’ll show you some pay stubs and give you some numbers so you can call if you want. It’s up to you. Here’s the check.” It’s just like come on….is it really this difficult to find a place? I understand that the people he had living there were there for four years. This is a new thing for him and people these days are shady as shit. But come on man… we’re giving you everything you need as well as more than we should to show you that we are good tenants. I’m telling this guy that my old house was down the street and that this was my elementary school. I swear, frikken cops. The best part about this is that I don’t have to deal with him on a daily basis. He lives somewhere else, I believe in long beach. The only people we will have to deal with are the ones upstairs. I’m not worried in the slightest. We are never home and when we are we just watch TV. If there is any company it’s on the weekends but we mostly are out ya know? I’m not sure if he thinks we’re gunna be partying it up or what. But I’m gunna get really annoyed if he still acts this way when we move in.

Ugh. I’m stressed to shit man. I just want this to go smoothly. I’m not in the mood for skepticism. Just gimme the keys and lets go. I’ve been patient long enough.

We're getting high on the DL

May I just say that love love LOVE Leona Lewis. Did anyone see her on American idol last night? She sounds exactly like she does on her album. She’s got some set of chops, and the way she performed you just knew she has this in her soul. Not to mention she’s gorgeous. I was blown away. Goosebumps galor.

I also have been watching this NOFX thing on FUSE with Brian. It’s called the NOFX backstage passport. The band decided they were gunna tour all over the world in strange countries before they can’t play anymore. I have to say it’s pretty awesome. They’re Manager Kent, gets drunk and is hilarious. I forgot where there first stop was but he was drunk as hell and they didn’t even play yet. He comes up to the camera and says “It’s ok, we’re gunna see Jesus and then have a big lunchhh.” He’s just a riot.

Anyways they went to Singapore where getting caught with any illegal drugs will resort to the death penalty. Fat Mike’s like “We’re going to buy some drugs, we have no idea what.” So they get whats called “The Green Dragon:” Now I gotta tell you, they cut it up into lines. It looks like green cocaine, but it looks thicker…like it shouldn’t be snorted ya know? But anyways Fat Mike does it first and it looks like his nose is going to fall off. Within minutes he’s totally fucked up and scared. It was kind of funny, seeing this tough smart ass guy get all creeped out. He was like “I’ve never been this fucked up in my life…it’s like photosynthesis…I gotta call Melvin.” So he calls his band mate to wake him. I gotta tell you, he reminded me of my dad lol. So Melvin doesn’t come so Mike goes to his room and is knocking on the door like “Bro wake up man…come party man.” So eventually he comes and Mike is so happy he gives him hugs all night long. I was surprised to learn that Fat Mike is a big mush when he’s wasted. He’s hugging Melvin for the fifth time…and Melvin’s like “Its gunna be ok Mike…now where’s my line.” Meanwhile Kent is like “I feel like I’ve been hit by a bunch of Mac Trucks….made out of marshmellowwww…..wooooooh!” it was just funny as hell. I just had to mention it.

Ok so as for the previous rant. I’m over it. I let people’s blunders get the best of me when I shouldn’t. I’ve got far too much shit on my plate to give a crap anymore. Whatever ya know? life rolls on. I’m not even going to talk about it anymore.

As for the gym, I am having a fabulous time. Today I’m gunna try the yoga class at 6:15. The only thing that blows about starting over again is that it really screws with my body. I’m not sure if this happens to everyone else, but digesting food can become painful if I eat too fast. And I always do. I’m on constant rush mode so after I eat my tummy is not havin it. Cramps for a few minutes and then it’s gone. Besides the soreness that’s really the only thing. I suppose my body is just getting use to less food and such. But I do see a difference already. My pants are beginning to fit nicely, not tight. The gym isn’t even really crowded when I go too so that’s great. Good times.

Ok I think that’s it for now. It’s almost time to moveeeee ahhhhhh!

If only i had put money on it.

Why I get aggravated over someone else’s life…I have no idea. But I need to stop caring so fuckin much.

So text chris to see how he’s been. It’s been awhile since I’ve spoken with him and I found that odd so I figured I would see whats up. I find out now that his ex has the phone and that he’s moved out. Into another girlfriends place. R u fucking kidding me?

I’m annoyed because I thought we were friends. He always just disappears and then shows back up when he’s down because of the situations he puts himself in. Lately it’s just been so one sided and now I know why. He’s trying to keep that from me. I’m not sure why. From what im guessing, it’s because he doesn’t want to hear the truth, especially from me.

But now that I have to find out whats going on in his life from other people I decided to write him a message via myspace:

So I texted you today because I haven’t heard from you in a while and I wanted to check in to see of you were ok, only to be texted back by Jenny. She’s told me you two no longer speak and that you’ve moved out. AND that you have a new girlfriend already. Already chris? And your living with her?

Look, you may end up telling me to butt out and that’s cool. But it’s my job as a friend to say what I think to u. I’m not really sure what it is you are looking for. Maybe it’s a way out, maybe your just trying to find someone who’s right for you, I don’t know. But you always jump the gun. You find a girl , you move right in and then you stress yourself out more than you should. I mean, no one even knew you were getting married until we found a picture of you in the paper.

I’m just saying, any problems that you have discussed with me will not be solved any sooner by jumping into things like this. I don’t hear from you for awhile, and then when I do it’s because your upset about whatever situation you put yourself in.

I didn’t even know you had another phone. I’ve known nothing. I’ve got your ex girlfriend telling me what your up to instead. And that kind of blows.

I’m just saying think about this. Think about what the hell your doing.

Btw, Don’t get pissed at her for saying anything to me. Because OBVIOUSLY you weren’t planning on saying anything and I would have texted your old number regardless. It was only a matter of time.

I mean…I don’t even know why I care. I know him better than anyone else. All he does is lie, run away, cover things up. And for what? Just to kick yourself in the ass later? I just needed to point that shit out. Maybe if he sees what he’s doing on paper, perhaps he’ll actually think about what he’s doing. I’m only saying these things because I know that he’s gunna do this for the rest of his life until he finally decides what he wants. The girls, the lies, the marriage, never have nor will they ever fill whatever void he’s got. He needs to get over it. And you know what, im so over it too. That’s the last time I even want to speak to him. I don’t want him calling me up sad looking for comfort when I don’t even know the truth about whats wrong. Im an idiot for even getting annoyed about it. Well, maybe it’s because he’s a fuckin adult. Thats my fuckin problem….all these “Adults” out there. Fuckin Bullshit you are. Your not fooling anyone. Fakers.

Kiss me with your cherry lipstick, never wash you off my face.

Hi Everyone! Ugh….you know the Monday’s creep on you so flippin fast it’s disgusting.

So yesterday I go to fill my prescription for my BCs and she tells me there’s a 50 buck deductable. Now this is the third time she’s said that to me and apparently last time I paid it should have been fully covered. So I told her that and she remembered me so she’s looking it up and she was like “I really hope that’s not your copay.” But of course it was, they only pay 18 dollars worth. Fuckin insurance. So now I have to get a generic that ive never heard of before. But it has only a 15 dollar copay so I really don’t have a choice ya know? it’s got the same ingredients as the other so I guess that’s what I’m gunna have to do for now. But now I have to double up today which blows. I never wanted to skip it to begin with. Oh well.

I signed up for the gym! Woot woot! So flippin excited. I’ve already got a schedule put together. Classes three days a week and then I’m just gunna do the machines on the other days. The place looked small from the outside but it’s actually pretty spacious. The three classes I’m taking all start at 7. One is kick boxing, the other is all in one, and I believe the third is butt and gutt. Either way it should be fun. The only problem I have is that we have to sign up for the cardio machines. They only allow thirty minutes in case it’s crowded. I can understand that, and I only do 30 minutes anyways. But I think it’s silly to sign up for the gym and not have full access to the machines. What if you do an hour of cardio? I guess you just have to switch it up. Whatever. Don’t even know why I’m bitching lol.

I also had quite the experience on 420. For the first time ever, I tried a magical brownie. I know, I’m 24 and just trying one. What can I say, I’m a late bloomer. May I just say that it’s fuckin crazy. My whole body felt like a big bowl of jello and I could literally feel myself melting into the car seat. Lol. I was pretty much a big blob for the rest of the day. But my god…those things are awesome. Now I understand why everyone thinks they’re fantastic. Next time I need to make sure I’m not doing anything because making dinner was such a project. I literally felt retarded. Anyways, that’s all the excitement I had this weekend, if you wanna call it exciting. Later kids

Shine on you crazy diamond

Happy Day folks! Yes it is Friday once again, we’ve made it. I’m pretty jolly today. The weather is gorgeous, I’m feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. Oooohhh yeah.

So yesterday we skipped dinner for a stroll on the boardwalk instead. I have to say that was awesome, usually it’s too windy for me because I get cold so easily. But it was such a dream walking next to the ocean, its just a shame I didn’t bring my camera. I realized while speed walking how unhappy I am with my body and how much I need to get started at the gym. I have not signed up yet because I figured with the move it would be hectic. But after yesterday I decided to screw it and just get started. I just feel so much better emotionally. I feel like it’s hard to explain. Perhaps there’s something wrong with my brain chemistry and this makes me feel balanced. I’m just in a much better mood after. It’s like I just fought a war or something. Plus I know that I’ll be seeing results if I keep doing it, so im pumped with adrenaline to get to that goal u know? Plus, Lucille Roberts just lowered there rate to 10 a month rather than 15. I don’t think they would lower it to 5 so I should take it before the offer’s gone. So here’s how my Saturday will be: Get a mani, go sign up, go home to change, and head on back for some elyptical goodness. I’m so excited.

I’m just so filled with excitement lately I just wanna burst like a piñata. We are just overjoyed that we are getting this place. And now that it’s getting closer we’re just so antsy. Every day at least two or three times we say to each other how we can’t wait and wanna be in there already. I’m pretty proud of myself with the fact that I haven’t slacked too much when it comes to packing. I’m pretty much almost done. How sweet is that? And I know I got a little crazy with wanting a housewarming party really soon, but I was just pumped about it. I’ve since scaled back, and we’ve decided that we will probably have it in the beginning of June. We still wanna get furniture and be completely settled. It will just be nice to have people over ya know? I can finally have a zin night with my ladies, have parties for holidays, or just some tv get togethers. We already bought an awesome TV, and we are getting some furniture from some folks we know so I have a feeling it’s gunna look stellar. Especially that Jacuzzi bathtub. I can actually use bath salts and shit now. I don’t think I’ve taken a bath in a long time.

Now all I need is a decent job and then I can say that I’m complete for now. I’m not sure if I’m just paranoid or what, but now I feel like I’m being watched. My boss seems to come into my office more often now to see what I’m up to. He rearranged the whole office for more storage space so he’s been in here a lot fixing it to his liking. And since it’s been kind of slow here I feel like he’s been trying to find things for me to do because of that. He’s just been constantly coming in and out. He seems a bit more invasive. For example, when he comes in and hands me work to do I can see that he’s trying to see if im online or to see what I’m doing on the computer. Perhaps he saw me doing my resume. Either way I don’t care. He should probably have some sort of heads up anyways. It’s just too much now. I don’t wanna feel pressure like that. I’ve always done my job, and most of the time correctly. If not I apologize. Hopefully one day they will see that I’ve always been a team player. Even if it means when I’m already gone.

I’m so ready for an alcoholic beverage and some bowling. Who’s with me?

It's the end of the world as we know it

Hey y’all. Happy Monday.

It’s nice out and it’s suppose to continue to go up in temperature, for anyone who would like to know how the next 7 days will be. Lol. I’m excited that mother nature is finally gunna give us some warm goodness.

So got my raise. But unfortunately they only gave me half of what I asked for. Now I realize that I asked for a four dollar raise and that’s a lot to ask for. Maybe I just thought that given the circumstances they would give me some kind of sympathy. But no dice. I’m disappointed, but it should have been expected. So now I’m still making less then everyone I know. Now it’s 12 an hour.

Ive decided that I guess it’s only best that I not complain and stick with what I’m getting and just start looking for another job. I’ll be sending some your way as soon as im done revamping it.

I know that getting a raise is hard for everyone. And I know that I’ve gotten far more advances than a lot of people who have worked there a long time. But I don’t know if I can do twelve. I don’t wanna struggle. I’m not sure how much tax will be taken out. I guess if I knew then I could tell whats ahead but I’m not good at that stuff. Starting over blows, but I don’t think there’s much of a choice. I’m just bummed I have to do this.

I mean, I couldn’t help but cry because I’m worried. I know that the rent will be handled but I need to feel secure in the fact that there is still something there in the bank in case anything happens. I don’t know if that will be possible now. I just need to suck it up and find something new.

With all the crap that’s been surrounding me lately it just figures. I’m also not getting Pete’s sister’s couch now so there goes more money for something. It’s just like, shoot me in the face.

I’m waving the white flag…but they still wanna battle…so what happens now?

The world is black and hearts are cold and there's no hope

Hey guys. I hope everyone is having a good week. Mine was all right up until yesterday.

Let me just say that I get it now. I finally realize that there is no one good here, not even myself. You can’t trust anyone, and even if u get up the courage to try it all ends the same. Self doubt, sadness, anger, depression. The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. The lack of desire to do anything. That’s what happens when I am who I am. And I’m thinking that it’s time for a change. I no longer want a tortured soul.

So ever since the Mitch incident I’ve been extremely paranoid because I think that Brian has every right to get back at me for what happened…even though that’s not true. I know it’s not and that he would never do anything to hurt me. Revenge is silly, but for some reason anything I do wrong I feel that it’s only fair to do so. I guess I don’t think much of myself. I’m not sure.

Because of this I check his phone when he’s asleep to see if anything is going on. You know this. I have for awhile now.

So Shannon (Brian’s brothers fiancé) texts him a lot. Multiple times a day. She use to text me a lot but then all of a sudden stopped. And I could never figure out why. I think nothing of this because they have known each other since he was real young. She started seeing John in high school so I know there is nothing more going on. I have no reason to think anything otherwise. I know john works a lot so she’s home and bored a lot so I know she texts just to ease the boredom. Nothing has ever come up unusual, except Thursday at 3 in the morning when I woke up and chose to check. The convo is as follows:

S: I gotta tell you something
B: What’s that?
S: I can’t stop thinking about you. I thought you should know that.

What the fuck? So I proceed to flip out, wake him up, cry and ask what’s going on while repeatedly saying I can’t believe this…fuck all of you… I’m never going over there again yada yada.

Now I think without my mother this would all be different. She calmed me down and said “If you’ve never seen her text anything else like that then there’s something going on. Maybe she has something. But you know Brian doesn’t. He bends over backwards for you. He works and then comes home. Try to calm down. I honestly believe he’s not doing anything.” And I do too….but what the hell is that about? In all of the four years, she has never done something so out of character. It really hurt my feelings. I just feel like I have no idea who she is anymore. Then Brian told me the next day that he heard there were some kind of problems going on between them so he thinks that maybe that was something she did on purpose to bother john. But of course, we have no idea what the intentions are for sure. And that’s why I’m so goddamn upset. So I let her have it that morning…via text of course:

“I’m deeply hurt and disappointed in you. You are not my friend. I no longer wish to speak with you. You can’t stop thinking about Brian huh? Yeah, I read what u wrote him. Do you think that’s appropriate to say to your brother in law? Because I don’t appreciate it and I don’t think that john would either. I don’t want you to talk to Brian anymore. I don’t trust you and Brian knows this. Goodbye.” She has not written to him nor I so I guess it worked.

Look, I don’t care if this was to get back at John or what. Your in your 30s, you have two fucking kids. Don’t get other people involved in your bullshit. That’s not fair, to shake my faith in what we have because you seek revenge on someone you claim to love. That’s not what love is at all. That’s what children do. And if there is something going and she means what she wrote…then it’s fucked up to think anything would even happen. He would never do that to his brother. She’s watched him grow up. They are family. That’s the most absurd thing in the world. And he didn’t write back to that for a fuckin reason. Your putting him in the middle of whatever mess your trying to create. Stop being a fuckin baby. Solve problems like a goddamn adult.

Why…why the fuck am I better than that? What the hell is wrong with people today? What’s so difficult about confronting someone you have a deep relationship with? She’s been with him so long it shouldn’t be this way. I’m just tired guyz, I’m tired of being let down. I’m tired of people I know or care about hurting me.

This just hasn’t been my year.

Love shack...yea baby thats where it's at

So, I’ve got to tell ya…I’m feeling like disco lemonade today! For the first time in about 4 or 5 days I feel absolutely jolly. It’s pretty good.

I’ve been feeling kinda crappy because my job has just been full of BS. Full of it. I understand that they are trying to run a tight ship but some things they were just on my ass about that I couldn’t explain. And that’s annoying, when all you can say is “ I don’t know why, I apologize” and that’s not really good enough. But it seems as though the clouds have parted today, so I guess that’s why I’m in a better mood.

I’m in a good mood also because Brian has started the process of getting his teeth fixed. He has an infection right now so all they can do is cavities, but I can tell he’s already feeling better about himself. And that makes me happy. I mean, he’s embarrassed to smile ya know? and that’s a shame. So I’m glad for him. He’s signing up with UHP. It’s actually a really great dental discount program. If anybody needs any info on it let me know. I was looking at how much of a price cut there is and it’s by far the best I’ve researched. Just putting it out there. If my teeth were in need of anything I would deffinately go sign up for it.

So things have been nice with my mom here. We had a wine and cheese night which was nice. Besides that nothing else has been going on. She wants to see the rolling stones documentary movie so we are gunna go either tomorrow or Friday. My mom hasn’t been in a movie theater in years…like more than 10. So I’m excited to be there with her for that. I’ve also decided that I’m gunna take her to get a manicure on Saturday before she goes home. Otherwise, we’ve just been chillen and falling asleep early.

I’ve never realized how much snacking my mom does. She’s been making me eat with her non stop. Well, I usually don’t have snack food for that purpose ya know? So if I do nibble it’s on a piece of cheese or something. But lately it’s been cheese and crackers and cake lol. I’m so frikken full, she’s gunna plump me up before she goes. It’s all good. I love to eat.

Like I said, Friday I’m taking her to my bar for happy hour and appetizers. I’m really going to be annoyed if I have to deal with that crap again. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but it’s hard when you KNOW they are doing this to bother us on purpose ya know? I just don’t want to feel like I’m being watched is all. I don’t care that they are there. It’s a public place and I have no right to cause any difficulty. I just want some kind of space and a moment where I don’t look up and see and unwanted pair of eyes aimed in my direction. What’s the fuss about? We all look the same, there’s nothing to watch. Perhaps with my mom being there I won’t be so distracted. Either way I’m being grown up here. Whatever. I’ll stop.

On a side note, I have already started my second memoir. It’s called “Manic-By Terry Cheney”. And no, it’s not Dick Cheney’s daughter. It’s about a very successful entertainment lawyer battling with both Bipolar disorder and Manic Depression. SO GOOD. I’m halfway through and I gotta tell you…this chick is quite a whore lol. Keeps me occupied for sure. Love it. Adiosssss

Somebody's gunna hurt someone before the night is through

Ohhhh yeah. I’ve got a case of the Mondays today.

So my mom came in on Saturday, very early by the way. What the hell is up with that? I have to be delayed like whoa for the past couple flights and this bitch got here early on a beautiful day. Damn.

Ummmm…let me just vent for a minute. So we all know that Mitch and Amy were at the bar we go to for happy hour last week right? So THIS week we are on our way there as usual and I just know that someone’s gotta be there. I’m thinking that most likely Mitchell will be there because now I’m sure Johnny told him we go there every Friday. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach as we were driving. Because now that he knows we go there…why wouldn’t he wanna try and make things difficult? I swear, it’s like dealing with a child or high school surroundings. But yeah, we go in and u know…we have to go past the dinning area to get to the bar so I can’t see who’s there until I got to sit down. And yeah... I got to sit down and Mitch is seriously right there. As I got to sit I’m like “Awww crap I gotta move a seat down.” Because u know I’m not in any way going to sit next to that ass of a man. He’s fuckin drunk, and he says hey with a big shit eating grin on his face. Whatever I just looked at him like “are u kidding me?” and sat two seats away. Then Brian goes to sit next to him and he says hello and how was his day and Brian was like “Good thanks” and that was it. But…how uncomfy is that? Why is he doing this? So we’re sitting next to this guy and we see him telling his friends how he knows us, fuckin whispering and shit…and we just wanted to fuckin leave. This guys in his 30s and he’s acting like an idiot. I mean, by my second glass of wine I was pretty much relaxed and not in the caring mood. Fuckin look all u want but I’m not gunna let u keep me from coming to my favorite place one day a week. I’m here for one day a week ya know? we’re friends with the bar tender and this is just bullshit. So whatever we continue on and Amy shows up. Can I just tell you that he still treats her like crap. He acted the same way he did when we were all friends towards her. I’m thinking it was cuz he was drunk because he was lovey dovey with her last week. Actually, I don’t know anything. I just know he was rude and I felt bad for her. But then I thought…she’s staying with him. If that’s what she wants to deal with then fine. And then I didn’t feel so bad for her anymore.

I don’t know if he was talking about me or what. I just heard him say something about the quiet one and I was about to get up and punch him in the face. I was thinking that they were referring to the time where we supposedly had sex. So yeah I’m a little zined up and I wanna kick him in the mouth. But I didn’t, they ended up leaving because Amy could see he was an obnoxious asshole and told him she wanted to go. GOOD. Perhaps she’ll request that they no longer meet there. That would be swell…because I swear to god if we go there this week and he’s a drunk fool I will hurt him. I’m taking my mother there because I think it’s a nice place. He just better not mess up my time. And the whole time he was trying to either look at me through the mirror across from the bar or leaning back on his chair to take a glance because Brian was blocking his view, which was what I had wanted. GET A LIFE U ASS. I’m just annoyed because he’s doing it on purpose. I’m annoyed because he thinks he can just say hello and talk shit. Act like an adult. It’s over. I’m sorry your miserable. But that’s not my problem. You already know how to fix that.

I think u all need to come meet up Friday and have drinks with us. Then I’ll have a posse. Lol. Anyways besides that it’s been pretty low key with my mom here. I do nothing exciting. Tonight will be laundry. WOOHOO. laterrrrrrr

We're all misunderstood

All right, so yesterday was a doozy.

It doesn’t help that I’m still experimenting with this birth control shit. I’m particularly emotional at this time. Not sure if my gremlin is coming or not ya know? it feels like it but nothings happening except for the hormones.

I’m not saying that I’m not still a bit bummed. But I can understand when someone is having a bad day and how easily it can be passed from one to another. Isn’t that interesting? You could be on top of the world one minute, but the second someone acts nasty or says something that ticks u off it’s over. You just fell off. Humans are crazy.

But I think what really put me in a downward spiral was really the issue I mentioned previous: That no one wants to deal. And that saddens me.

Look, I’m one of those people who puts my heart out there regardless so it’s hard for me to see when others cannot communicate for whatever reason.

I just don’t understand the deal with that. Why is it so hard for some? Why can’t you just say what you wanna say and work on it from there? It’s not as bad at it may seem. Hey, I’m not one for confrontation. But if it is necessary, I’ll stay grounded and plead my case until I lose my voice. Because it’s important. Not just in friendships but relationships as well. I think that’s the most valuable piece of info I’ve come across. The more you keep it to yourself, the bitter you get. It turns into the other parties fault when it’s really yours for not bringing the problem to the table to begin with. Sure, no one wants to argue. But at least when it’s all over you’ve both said what you needed to say. And you feel better. Physically and emotionally.

I mean in the end…Do you really want it to be this way forever? I think that’s the real question everyone needs to ask themselves. Is it worth all this? Because it can be over and done with in a day. You know it can.

On a quick side note, my knee is not feeling too great today. It really hasn’t been the same since the accident. I really hope to god this goes away soon.

My phone also blows hardcore. First it dies in the middle of the day, then when I charge it I can’t make calls. It hangs up mid convo or I can’t even get it to ring. I loathe technology.

This is for the ones who stood their ground

I guess I’m just going to stop being nice. It’ seems like the only solution.

How could someone be so mean to another? Even if nothing’s happened to cause it?

Am I missing something that everyone else has?

I’m really just too upset for words. To feel like I’m being scolded, when all I did was ask how someone’s day was. I’m about to cry over something I don’t quite know or understand.

And maybe I’m suppose to be understanding ya know? and I am usually. But this puzzles the hell out of me. And angers me at the same time.

Is this has nothing to do with me then don’t treat me that way. I never have to anyone and I don’t get how easy it is for others to do so. If there’s something deeper going on than take care of it. This is the problem with everyone in this world. No one wants to solve anything. And I refuse to be a part of it. I refuse to have someone else’s mood splattered onto me. THAT’S NOT FAIR TO ME. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF U?

I’m staying away and hiding where it’s sane. This my friend, is pure Bullshit.

Talk to me some more, you dont have to go

Happy Monday. Well, I’m not one for Mondays so I have to admit that I’m kind of cranky. My weekend was pretty lax except for the mild drama on Friday. There’s this guy John that we use to know through Mitch and Amy. He’s usually there every happy hour like we are so we say hello and make nice convo. Mitch and Amy had never been with him before, I had figured they still weren’t friends. The deal with that is that John was getting married and Amy was one of his fiancés bridesmaids. But things turned sour when she tired to tell His fiancé that he was secretly cheating on her and using them as a backup. She couldn’t keep lying for him, but it all turned bad. The fiancé didn’t believe her and took her out of the wedding party. So with this I figured they would probably never make up.

But maybe perhaps they did with John. Apparently Mitch went over to the bar to meet up with him. I didn’t know he was there until I went to get a refill while Brian was outside on the phone. Perhaps if he had played coy and NOT stare right at me to the point of uncomfyness it wouldn’t have been so weird. I guess he just wanted to see if I had changed. They had not seen me out with Brian since the incident and I’m sure they probably thought I had moved on or something. Whatever, I took my drink back to the table. We ate, had a good time and left. But before we were gunna go I had to pee. I thought they had left because usually John doesn’t stay so long. He was not. Neither was Mitch. And of course, they were right in route of the bathroom. GREAT. But u know what? I gotta pee and I’m not gunna stop my shit to make things easier. So whatever I went on my way when I notice Amy. Oh…she’s there… and she’s doing the whole territorial thing. U know what bitches do…the whole arm around and touching the hand shit. Probably trying to make me see that things are well. Which is good. I’m glad they are ok. But do I care that your mushy together? First off they were never lovey dovey. So it’s hard for me not to think that was just done to make me feel like crap or uncomfortable. But the sucky part was that they were all talking in a damn circle. I literally cut through the middle…facing them. Ugh. I felt so embarrassed that I just looked down the whole time. I did my business, went back to the table and proceeded to tell Brian they were here. To my surprise he was pretty grown up about it. I had said to him that I was expecting a punch to the face. He laughed and suggested we exit the front and walk around. I agreed. Unlike them, I don’t need to hold hands and all that jazz and put it in their face to prove that I’m a happy girl.

He looks like crap. And I think seeing us made him feel like the biggest asshole in the world. Not that I don’t feel that way when I saw Amy, but the difference between us is that I’m past it. I can’t keep looking at them like a sad puppy. Just move on. It was the best thing to happen. Trust me, we owe you the favor. I couldn’t help but get pissed a little when I saw him. He has no right to observe anything. I just keep thinking about the fact that he told the world we slept together when it couldn’t have been further from the truth. I can’t help that that still bothers me. I know who I am and I’m in no way a hoo ha.
And he was trying to tarnish me.

So anyways, that was the highlight. I’m hoping that there won’t be a repeat. But I guess if there is there’s nothing that I can do but go with the flow. In the end, I don’t care. I truly hope that the display of affection was real. I hope that the events helped them heal the wounds in their relationship and made it ten times better like mine. That’s all I can say. Hope everyone has a good day. I have pt…what else is new.

Anywhere you go, i'll follow you down.

I can’t believe Wednesday is here already! The weeks go by so fast I can’t even catch up anymore.

Yesterday blew. My body hurt and the day went slow. And of course it was one of those days where I didn’t want to be bothered, so guess what? Yea I was bothered up until I could go home. Great.

I’m not as cranky today, although at times I just wanna go home. I’ve got pt today. I’m starting to get annoyed with going there and doing the same shit. I just want this to be over with u know? But it all takes time and I guess I’m just gunna have to muster up some patience.

I’m getting pretty excited. My mom’s coming to stay with us for about a week. She’ll be arriving next Saturday. And I’m also ecstatic about moving. Today I’m gunna bring home a bunch of boxes and get it started. Moving can be such a bitch if u wait till last minute. But you know me and my need to rush, so I’m sure there won’t be any problems. Just thinking about it makes me wanna go home and start. I know my mom wants to see the apt. but she’s gunna have to settle on the pictures I took. The guy will be there getting rid of all his stuff so we can’t. I wish we could go in too. I would really like to get as many boxes in there as I can. Last time we moved in one shot and it sucked. But what can I do? Maybe we can see if towards the end of the month they will let us in. That would be helpful.

All I’ve been getting these past couple days are paper cuts. What the hell is up with that? I hate those kind of cuts. For some reason those are the most torturous. And this ones on my thumb! Dang…I need my thumb. Later

Guess i let you get the best of me.

Happy Monday all! I really hate that weekends are so short. Maybe it’s because I do nothing on the weekends. I can’t really do that crap for awhile since we have to save for the apt. But I’m ok with it. I’d rather have this huge apartment where I can have people over than go out and spend my money on crap.

I’m having some issues with my feelings as of late. And Brian can see it. I’m not acting the same. I’m not sure if it’s the whole cousin thing or what. You know what…I’m such a liar.

I’m thinking about people I shouldn’t. Because thinking about the what ifs is stupid. It’s silly. It’s just not realistic. I know what would have been…I think. I just know the type of person he is. And he can’t be with anyone permanently. It’s like he can’t be alone but he wants to be alone. You understand what I mean here? And this is the way he’s always been. To think that I could change that would be foolish. And for him to stay away from me was probably his decision. He didn’t want that to happen with us. He values what we have. And that makes me smile. I think I’m the only one he’s still in contact with. But why is this happening all of a sudden? Why am I letting these things creep back up on me? It’s like I go into dream mode and I have to wake up and snap myself out of it.

Perhaps this whole moving into a bigger place thing is giving me the heebie geebies. Cold feet. I guess it’s just settling into a future that I’m not sure of. This happens to me periodically. I’m perfectly happy with what’s going on in my world and then something comes into my mind and makes me uneasy.

I mean what do I want? We both know and have known for years what exists. Even Courtney and I were talking about it while I was down in Florida. She had asked me about how he was doing and I filled her in. And then I said that I seemed to be the only one still in contact with him and she was like “well you and him always had this unspoken thing going on.” But what the hell can come of that? I don’t think that he would deny it if I just came out with it. That’s the easy part. What to do about it is another story. And I know how the story ends. How it will always end, and by that I mean we stay in different states and live our lives. He’s already divorced. He’s already got a kid. I don’t have any of those things. My life is still a blank canvas. And I need to fill in the future that looks best to me. I don’t want to be with someone whom I know is just not happy staying monogamous. Well, I’m not even sure if that’s what his problem is anymore. He didn’t cheat, and when he had a girlfriend after the divorce he didn’t cheat. He just needs space. Therefore he needs to be alone. I’m not gunna date someone forever. I would like to get married and have a family. Weather he likes it or not, whatever relationship he gets into there will be demand of something deeper. That’s just human nature, feelings grow. So I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. I already know these things. I’m an idiot for even arguing about this with myself.

You don’t have to convince me to be happy with what I’ve got. I’ve got a really great person in my life. It hasn’t always been roses, but we’re finally at that place that I thought we would never be. I’m happy we’re getting a great place and moving forward.

I just can’t help but question time. Not just in this particular situation, but all situations.

Is it so wrong to wonder….

where did u go my lovely?

Woot Woot! We are almost done with another week. Oh how I long for the weekends.

So I just got in touch with one of my cousins via myspace. It’s crazy how much time has flown by and how much people change.

What kind of bothers me is that I had asked my cousin Amanda if that was her because she was on her page. And she didn’t even answer me. So I just write her a quick note saying that its been awhile and if it’s not her sorry to bother. Anyways she accepted me so it’s her for sure. But why didn’t Amanda just write me back? She read it but she didn’t bother to reply. Are they trying to keep her away from me? Do you think they even see her or her family? For some reason…I’m feeling like there’s gotta be some trash talk left in that family. I feel like maybe she didn’t want me to know. Which is crap. Because she’s my family too and I’m genuinely happy for her. Or it could just be what it always is: No one talks to anyone unless they need something. And since she didn’t need anything from me than I guess I wasn’t worth replying too. I honestly…deep within my soul…strongly dislike that group. I really do.

Mean while my nana is using a walker now, do u think anyone has bothered to visit her? NO just me. I’m there every damn weekend. In the end I know where my heart is, despite any wrongdoing that I’ve done or will continue to do. I’m not promising that I won’t fuck up. It’s in my damn blood. I do every day. But I know I’m a good person. If I could make amends with her it would have been done already. Candace chose not too.

I just hope that she’ll make contact and not judge by what others say. If not, then I guess it wasn’t mean to be. But I saw the pictures, she has a beautiful baby girl named lily. She’s married and happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for her or anyone else I haven’t seen. So I’m glad. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. I’m not gunna let this take over my day. I need to shake it off.

BTW, I’m getting that apartment that I took pics of. I know it’s been in limbo for awhile, but we’ve got it for sure. And I couldn’t be happier about it. Finally a big boy and girl apartment!! And it’s got room for someone littleeeee lol. Not right now, I’m just saying there’s an extra room. So yeah, he wants us in by May. I’m throwin a party in celebration. If u don’t come I’ll cry. I gotta go I’ll update soon!

Thats what she said.

Ugh. That’s all I feel like sayin. UGH. And no, I’m not hung over.

I did go out and have some drinks, but we ended up going home before midnight like good hard working guys and dolls do.

I realized that I just cannot party like I use to. Believe me, this is a good thing. But it’s just weird, looking back on things I was once able to do. Remember when you were younger and you felt like you were just invincible? Well, that’s cuz we were. Definitely.

Remember waiting in line at warped tour drinking out of that Orange juice carton filled with cheap vodka at 7 in the morning and being able to last all day in the sweltering heat? Or just getting completely plastered out of our minds and staying up until sunrise? We were able to completely destroy our insides and it would all be kosher the next day. Or when we had no cars and walked in huge mobs to nowhere, and there was never a single complaint about doing so? Even when it was freezing out?

Now I can’t drink a ton without either feeling like crap the next day or just plain wanting to go to bed. I don’t prefer walking now that I have a car, especially in the cold. Even if I wanted to, I could never stay up until 6 in the morning.

I was also informed that it’s been 6 years since I’ve been out of high school. This means it’s almost 10 year reunion time. Isn’t that insane? Now don’t assume that I would ever want to go to that. But just knowing that it’s not far freaks me out.

We were at a bar last night and started talking to this young group of males and females who had gone to the parade. They had been drinking since 8 in the morning. I was like “shiiittt…I was working.” Then I do a car bomb and I can’t for the life of me finish it because it was making me full. I watch these guys chug it down without breathing and I’m just like DAMN!

When…when in the hell did I get old? I feel the same and I feel like I look relatively the same. So what’s going on? Has time changed the inner workings of my mind and soul already? In truth, the mind and soul are constantly growing and changing with the time. But I suppose I never really paid attention to it until it’s put in front of my face. I find myself looking at others and thinking “I remember those days” quite often now. And it both disgusts and frightens me at the same time.

Oh god. It’s happening. I told you I would not let this happen to me. But it is, and I have no control. You flippin suck.

The irish eyes are smiling

Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Hope your day is filled with Green.

I ended up celebrating it already this weekend. Saturday we went into the city. We went downtown to catch an improv show at a comedy club. It actually wasn’t bad at all. It was most funny at the beginning, but none the less it was a good time. Then from there we hopped from bar to bar and had a drink. Some bars were just too damn busy to go into. Everyone was out having a good time. We got home at a decent time. All in all I had a great time. City trips rock, it’s too bad that it’s so expensive. But then again, I guess that’s what makes the trips so much fun.

Sunday was spent looking around for couches. Although we did not purchase one as of yet, we got a really nice TV for a cheap price because it was a floor model. Surprisingly, we have been quite frugal lately. It’s not like we don’t have a nice amount of cash in the bank either. We have about 16 hundred in there. But it’s good to not blow it all. Gotta save it. You never know when something might be needed.

I finally finished my book. I’m not sure if I told you what it was called. Anyways, it’s called “The center cannot hold – My journey through madness” By Elyn Saks. It’s a memoir. For some reason, I’m instantly pulled towards memoirs. Even more so, I look for ones that deal with mental health issues. As you all know I’ve always been into psychology. Wondering what it’s like in someone else’s mind fascinates me. I like when they pick it all part and explain what’s going on in their mind to u. This book in particular was about a woman’s journey in finding out that she has schizophrenia. This book was full of madness indeed, and I really have come out of this reading having a great amount of respect for her as well as others with having such a difficult illness. She really puts you in her shoes. Because health professionals did not know much about this illness early on, it was all trial and error for her. Trying to figure out what could help her best. It was truly a rollercoaster ride for her most of her life. She is a very intelligent and strong human being, and I’m really happy that in the end, she is at a much better place than she was when she was a child. I feel like I honestly understand mental illness and the workings of the mind a bit more, and it has inspired me to keep reading. So I have already ordered another book. This one is about manic depression I believe. I’m pretty excited. I never thought that I would love reading this much. I never have. I guess I just needed to find what motivates me.

So tonight will consist of laundry and a visit to the local pub for about an hour or so. Although I’m not in a drinking mood, I could really go for some corned beef and cabbage. Yummy

All that Jive talkin

Hey there budday! Happy Friday to all, we have made it through another week.

So lately I’ve had a temper like whoa. Well actually, it’s more like a lack of patience. But honestly guys, can u flippin blame me? After everything that has happened in the last couple months, I am spent both physically and mentally. And I started birth control so that could be fucking with me too.

I really just can’t help it. I’m usually a calm person. I’ll say things twice and what not. But lately I get so angry when I have to do those things. And unfortunately Brian is getting the bulk of it. Now I know men don’t remember the little things. Men do a lot of things that will aggrivate us. But because of the mood change, my mind turns on that switch that says “I don’t have the time to deal with ur stupid repetitive questions today.” And this has been happening pretty much since all this crap fell upon me.

I feel like I shouldn’t be as stressed right now. I’ve got a car so there is some form of normalsy there. But I guess I’m just shot. I suppose that it will take a little bit for me to get back to where I was before this mess. I seem to have a problem with getting my body and mind to relax. It’s like my body’s internal clock is on speed, and I truly feel like everything needs to be done right this second. Or what? You ask. Well, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m going to fall off the face of the earth or anything. I just have this compulsive need to have everything on my personal list done. It has to be done now or I’ll have a fit. I’ll get angry as hell. I just don’t get where all this anger is coming from, or this compulsiveness. Perhaps this is why I’ve been loving sleep lately. It’s the only time I can get everything to shut off and become blank.

I’ve decided that before I chose to see someone about it, I will incorporate the gym back into my schedule. I’ve been doing everything else to ease it without the use of meds. I cut out if coffee, I’ve been bloging and expressing my feelings to those I hold dear. The gym is the only thing that I have not done for a while. And when I did go it really helped. So after work I’m signing up. I plan on starting Saturday. Wish me luck.

So yeah besides all that, nothing much new. I’m gunna jet. Later taters.

You are not alone. I am here with you, and we'll get lost together

Hey party people. It’s my first day using the truck. I gotta say it’s quite nice leaving to go to work when I’m completely ready. Plus I got the cd player remember? It’s all about the Bee Gees.

Last night when we went to the woman’s house to get the paperwork for the car, we listened to the Bee Gees. And I couldn’t contain myself. I’m not sure what it is about them, but I get as happy as a pig in shit and start disco dancing like I’m in studio 54. Brian was hysterical. You gotta see my disco moves guys. It’s to die for. Brian has said on more than one occasion that I was born in the wrong time. And I absolutely agree. I am a 70s child. I bet I was. My hypothesis is that I was in another body in the 70’s but that I most likely died prematurely of a drug overdose. So my soul got transferred to an 80’s baby.

I’m really starting to get irritated with my place of employment. I’m seriously starting to wonder what the hell they do at the main building. I’m tired of everyone assuming that it’s my fault should something not work out. My issue is that no one double checks anything that I send over. I make daily logs of how much money should be put in certain accounts. They get a scanned copy and I keep the hard one. Yesterday there was a problem with a certain client and lack of funds. And you know what the assumption is right? That I didn’t request any money of course. Don’t check any of the logs you have copies of. Just assume. So Rocco lets them know that he’s looking at the copies of the logs and that I paid for the jobs in full. Turns out the postal clerk logged something in twice, or something of that nature. But do u see my point? Look, I’ve been here for almost four years. Do you not think I know what I’m doing? Whatever, I do what I’m told. Rocco is apparently having a meeting with the owners soon so he plans to raise this concern. I hope he does, and I hope they pay attention to it. Because I’m getting frustrated with accountings problems, especially when we are doing everything we’re suppose to on this end.

I think that there are people put on this planet just to make things difficult for others.

BTW, I need a wax like whoa. I think I’m getting a cold because I can’t stop sneezing. And…. Yeah I just wanna go home, medicate myself, and nap. Oh Bee Gees, how I wish you could completely heal me and not just my soul. Lata

She has a girlfriend now. She said "Guys don't do no more for me."

So today is the day. My Jeep is getting registered as we speak. I hired this lady that will go and get it registered for you if you give her all the paperwork. She’s only charging 25 bucks. I think that’s a pretty sweet deal considering it will be done while we work. I believe she charged more in the past, but because of gas and such it’s much cheaper. After I see the doctor I’ll be heading that way.

The Jeep is in such good shape. Cosmetically it’s got a little dent I didn’t notice until Brian pointed it out and two big scratches. But I honestly don’t think it looks horrid. You don’t look to those things at first sight. And I think that once we give it a nice car wash it will look even nicer. The inside is all cleaned out and it’s very spacious. And you know what the best part is? It’s got a frikkin CD player!! YES!!! I’ve never ever had one in my car ever. I’ve usually had to pick up that cassette adaptor and use my walkman. I know that I should be focused on the car but that feature is fantastic, especially when you’ve never had that before. Oh yea, it also can tell me the temp and which direction I’m going. Awesome right? Now as you know, I’m not very good at the whole North South East West issue so that feature hits close to home. I don’t even have to think about it! It’s all right there! Thank god…cuz thinking about that stuff sucks lol.

I have to go to the ortho today to see if he will prescribe more pt. I also want to ask him if I can have some MRIs. My back still bothers me and I think it would really help if I could see what’s going on. I went to pt last week and Doctor Dan had to pop my vertebre back into place. Apparently it was dislocated. Fan frikken tastic. And although it has helped quite a bit, I still feel it toward the end of the day. Must be because I sit at a desk most of the day. I don’t know if he will permit the knee MRI but I’m gunna try. It’s still bruised and swollen. Not as swollen as past weeks, but it’s been a month and I can’t touch certain spots without it feeling a little tender.

On a sad note, I feel really bad for Brian. His tooth had cracked while he was eating a few weeks back and now what’s left of his tooth is causing issues. He doesn’t even want to eat. I told him that he needs to call the dentist asap. I have money left over from the car and it’s just going to have to get done. It’s important and I don’t want to see him in any more discomfort than he already is. I know he’s pissed about using the money but what can we do? Neither of us have dental coverage. That shit is hard to get. So we’re gunna just have to do what money can allow. But seriously these are the times in his life that I get pissed at his family. I don’t even know the half of the history, but what I do know is fucked up. I just can’t understand how everyone in his family can just say “sorry, no help here, ur on ur own.”. I have no idea why his mother didn’t keep up on his teeth after he had that accident when he was younger. The kid gets run over and fucks up his teeth and u can’t keep up on that? I just don’t get it and it bothers the fuck out of me. No matter what my family has always taken care of me. Wether they had money or not they found a way. And it just seems like with his family that never existed. And he’s suffering because of it. I just can’t help but be sad. And I don’t have much money to get all his teeth taken care of, but when I get a settlement I will. It’s your health. It’s fuckin important. And if no one else is gunna fuckin help then I will. Because he would do the same for me. He’s always gotten the shit end man. Did he get to go to college? No, but his step sisters did. I mean…am I the only one who thinks this is so fucked up? All he needs is to get his face fixed. John is on the verge of losing the house and he gets help somehow. Everyone else gets help. I just wish I knew what the hell everyone’s problem was/is. Maybe I’m just lucky to have a good family. Maybe that’s just it.

Shes like the wind

Another thing that breaks my heart. When healthy or innocent people have not so good things happen to them.

I love Patrick Swayze. Love love love him. I think the whole damn world does. And to hear that he has pancreatic cancer saddens me.

I’m trying not to get too glum though. He’s a very fit man. You can’t deny that the man doesn’t take care of himself inside and out. I’m hoping that they caught it early enough. I’m actually really pulling for him. He’s a strong man and I’m sure he will get through this. I will just have to pray for him and keep my eyes open for any news.

For some reason I am tempted to go home and watch Ghost. God that movie makes me cry like a little bitch.

I mean, why does this happen to good people? Let’s not forget Christopher Reeves’ wife. A perfectly healthy woman, a non smoker. And she gets lung cancer and dies far quicker than we all thought. And now their son is without either parent. Sometimes I just wanna look up and say “What the hell lord…what the hell?”

It happens far too often in this world, we just don’t know all of the stories. A kid with cancer dies because he can’t get treatment due to shitty medical. Innocent adults, innocent children are taken away each hour of everyday. And it makes me sad. I think that most people would agree with me when I say that these are the times we wish for the world to be perfect.

Oh how I wish it would be possible.

People r talkin...talkin bout people

It’s odd that I’m still thinking about this, but I just don’t understand how some people lack honesty.

Ok, I’ll backtrack. That girl I’ve known for a while that I made out with back in the day had asked me before I went away to Florida if I would consider some…I guess I should say “Intimate interaction” with Brian included. Now a year or so ago I said yes but backed out.

It’s not about trusting Brian, because I do. We discuss things like that fully. In his eyes it’s just a fantasy to spice it up. And he said it’s up to me, because that’s a tricky offer u know? and I could understand him not wanting to be blamed for anything after.

I’ve always been a bit bi curious, and I was kind of thinking about it. But then a lot of things came into play that turned me right off to it. I know her boyfriend, and I think it’s fucked up. She’s willing to hide it, and we all know that things don’t stay hidden forever. If anybody thinks that the truth won’t come out, they obviously haven’t lived I guess. And I think that’s really fucked up on her part. How could she be willing to do that? She’s been with him longer than Brian and I have. And that seriously makes me reconsider her character. What other things does she say or do behind his back?

She said they have talked about it and he said it would ruin the relationship. So because he disagrees, your just gunna do it anyway? That’s number one. I’m not saying that I’m an innocent person by any means, but it just doesn’t sit well.

Then when I told her that I would think about it, she was texting Brian about it in a totally different way. The way she texted me wasn’t dirty at all. It was very adult. Then I see in his phone that she’s acting all horny about it and I flipped. He wouldn’t let me read them all. I was only able to read one before I went nuts. He didn’t want me to get more upset. Whatever. Needless to say I ended that with a quickness. You don’t act one way towards me and text dirty things to my boyfriend. Whom exactly does she want? U know what I’m sayin? Brian told me it was about the situation and mostly me. She had also said that and said he should have just let me see the rest of them, and that she would never hurt me and whatnot. But she already did. It doesn’t fit right at all. I feel it in my heart, that there’s more than she’s willing to say. I will have none of it. None. If you would never hurt me, you wouldn’t act two different ways. And THAT my friend makes me glad that I trusted my insides all along. I knew it last time and I know for sure this time.

After that situation, Brian requested we both take the locks off our text messages. Because at that point I was like “it doesn’t sit well and my trust right now is diminished” He was really upset. Told me he wouldn’t do anything like that without my agreement. That he won’t talk to her. He didn’t have to tell me that because I demanded that from him. Yea DEMANDED it. I screamed it even. And I told him if he wants the locks off then be prepared because I’ll be snooping all the time now. And I damn well have every right. And I still do. He’s a heavy sleeper. I still look to this day. And he can look through mine all he wants but he doesn’t. he’s been a good boy. Probably cuz he knows I will ruin his life. I will fuck everyone’s life up. I’ll tell her boyfriend everything and then that’s six years down the drain. They won’t fuck with me. NOONE will fuck with me. Because I’m fuckin insane….and u got caught playin games bitch. So watch urself. And yes I know this was a long one…but it goes back to my point. The lack of honesty in people sickens me. The lack of honesty in relationships disgusts me. And I know we never had that until after that life changing moment in time. But having it now gives me this whole new view. Perhaps I’m growing. SWEET.