Would u know my name if i saw u in heaven?

I’ll make this brief. In a nutshell, this month has been hella stressful. Very busy with a bunch of surprises thrown in.

I’m late on my gremlin. There’s three days left to the month. I piss on a stick at lunch to find that I’ve been drinking the water that everyone else in this stupid ass town has been drinking. Happy b day Ness, your pregnant.

This was Monday. It ended with me pissing on the second stick when I got home and crying for a few hours. Big breakdown. We discuss options.

My birthday was spent at planned parenthood where a counselor tells me what I already know. We discuss options. I get all sorts of tests. It ends with Brian and I having cobbler with my nana. Fantastic.

I kind of knew it. It all feels so different. Being pregnant is so strange. So new. And I know what ur thinking, what r my options? Well…the fairytale doesn’t have a happy ending. There will be no baby. I’d go over the reasons why but I would end up going mad. It’s an endless circle. It’s just financially and partially emotionally the wrong time. I can’t go into detail. It will make me cry.

From what the doctor tells me, I’m very early. About 5-6 weeks. So I can abort the baby using medications rather than the other way. Both of us have decided that if it came to that option we will just keep it. I’m basically indusing a miscarriage. Friday there will be a sonogram to determine if I’m under 8 weeks. If so he’ll give me the first dose and then Saturday I will take the last of it and wait. I don’t want to talk about what it entails. It’s not going to be good. That’s all I wanna say.

I just want u to know I’m ok. It’s going to be rough for awhile. But I’m gunna be all right. I have u guys to support me. I’ve been slowly telling everyone. My mother will not know until it’s over, and even then I’m not quite sure. It’s just been a really frustrating and confusing time. I’ve already got morning sickness. This is just going really fast. I’m at a loss for words.

I'm losing faith

After This weekend, I’m seriously done with all the bullshit this world has to offer.

I have a HUGE problem with the lack of respect people have for others. It’s sickening.

For the past couple months there have been four friends in the big pool of friends we have that do not like Brian to the point where we get the shit end and everyone else gets to go out together and have fun.

And I think it’s crap. If you had any respect for me or both of our feelings you would be civil. There’s just no excuse for such immaturity.

What? You don’t like him because he calls u out and makes u uncomfortable? Maybe that’s what u all need. Someone to tell you how it is rather than sprinkle more sugar over the bullshit shell u have.
That’s the problem, no one likes being taken out of the comfort zone. They want you to smell the roses that hide the animal feces underneath. Because admitting anything makes u feel vulnerable. And you all need ur egos to stay alive.

Well, if u guys want to continue the fakeness, than be my guest. Go on hanging out with one another and then come home and talk the real talk. Cuz when your around different sets of people, u say different things. How lame it is that no one gets along. But it’s so easy to make and brake plans to go where they are, isn’t it?

I think the real problem is this: you all need to grow the fuck up.

Maybe I don’t wanna do what you all wanna do anymore. Maybe partying it up isn’t my focus. Maybe LIVING is my focus. Maybe I wanna have money by Sunday. Maybe I’m tired of feeling ill. MAYBE…I just don’t wanna be like u.

Maybe the only real people I have in this world are the three friends I’ve had since I was 11. And u know what? That’s fine. Because throughout everything they’ve never left me out in the dust. No matter how bad it’s gotten, your still here. And maybe just loving you guys is all that I need.

icky icky poo

Ok, I need to just vent this.

So I’ve got my skinny jeans on today. And yeah they’re pretty tight and I look good. But that’s cuz it’s Friday ya know? I’m in the mood to look nice but not too nice. But anyway I’m straying from the point.

Do truckers HAVE to stare at my ass? I mean, people check each other out all the time. That’s fine. But it’s called being discreet. I’m talking to this trucker and he’s staring up and down at me and when I turn around he’s looking right at my bum. Plain as day. And I’m sorry but I find that really creepy and gross.

All I’m saying is that if ur gunna look, do it right. I feel like he was about to put tape over my mouth and shove into a dark rickety van. And u know what?! It’s the same thing with whistling. R u kidding me? Who does that? How could u possibly think that’s sexy?

You know what’s sexy? Saying “Hey, you look very nice today.” Or “Your badunk looks fab in those jeans.” I mean, I’d take that deffinitely.

Both of my coworkers today complimented me over my outfit without insulting me in the slightest. Jerry Said he loved my look…And Ryan said something like he’s gotta bring the dolla bills out…To which I said “huh?”, and he basically said I looked good.

I’m just bothered by the lack of respect some people have. It’s just that everyday I’m reminded of just how many idiots are welcomed into this world. It’s fuckin lame. And I don’t fuckin like it. Ok I’m done.

Workin for the weekend

Ugh. Ok, I’m gunna make this as condensed as possible. Cuz, u know me…I could ramble forever.

My boss is on vacay so I have Andy here. Actually, it hasn’t been too bad because he’s been away at a lot of meetings. But honestly when he is here it’s just crazy. He works u man. I can’t even have breakfast when he’s here b/c he comes into my room every 5 minutes. And that’s no exaggeration hunny. Not in the slightest. The positive to all of this is that I will be asking Rocco to ask the company to give me a raise when he gets back. And having to run the show here really gives me a good advantage. Plus, I’m really tired of being paid less than my friends. It makes me feel like a child and I know I do a hell of a lot of important shit here. They can’t even deal when I’m sick. I’m just gunna let him know that if they can’t give me the amount I want, then I have a bunch of people in my life that can get me a job with that amount with the skills I have. And that’s damn true too. Everyone keeps telling me so. So I’ll keep u updated on that.

There’s still the possibility on that second floor apt. They have not looked at it yet, but at one point it wasn’t even a possibility anymore because the guy wanted to sell it. But since the market sucks at the moment he changed his mind. Good choice. So yeah, once Brian gets to see it I will inform u. I just really hope it works out.

Yes, the knicks lost. They fucken sucked ass at the game. But it’s all good. There were plenty of anti Canada fans out there to help me out.

I’m getting irked by those girls that hate me from the other company. They are just flippin rude. But at least I know it’s not just me. Yvette (postal clerk) came into my office the other day and said something about them. Same shit really, They r just rude and no matter how nice u r they’ve got something stuck up their patootie. I’m not sure why they have this issue. So we don’t sort mail all day. So we each have our own office and parking spaces. It’s doesn’t mean we aren’t struggling with something. We’re thankful cuz we do have a lot. We r lucky. But you don’t have to be disrespectful to us because ur feelin sore. I mean the other day I needed to use the bathroom and when the girl walked out she gave me the stare of death. Christ woman…we all have bladders. And then the other day I said good morning and one said it back, while the other just gave me a mmmmhmmmm.” Mmmmhmmmm? Bitch, it’s good morning. Get over it. I mean, one is pretty obese and the other one has a bad weave and no teeth. Maybe that’s what they’re sore about. Lol.

I booked tix today to see my fam on the weekend of my mom’s b day. Pretty sweet.

I wear my sunglasses at night

Ohhhh tonight. It will be victorious. It will be priceless. It will be joyous.

It will be mine.

And it can either be a win or a loose. Either way there will be screaming. Because that’s how I do, and they need to know they are not welcome here. Ugh, tainting our city with their culture. They’ve got some nerve. They’ll fuckin see…oh yeah…they’ll fuckin see who belongs on top.

NYC BABAY! THAT’S WHO!

It’s on! Rain or m*thaf*ckin shine bitches!

Look for me, I’ll have a big foam finger 11 rows from the court!

The best part of my day...

Was when Marvin (my 60 something year old grumpy, funny co worker) Comes into my office and catches me putting on lip gloss and says: “Sorry, that won’t help you.”

Awesome

Yeah ur always in my way, gotta spit u out.

I’m going to sign up for the gym on Wednesday. Yesterday we rolled past the place to get a look inside. It seems pretty spacious, something I didn’t really expect since it’s sandwiched between stores and bars. And I saw that it wasn’t too packed either. I mean, most likely I will be going right after work at 4 so it won’t be too bad. But even at 6 when we looked in it was all right. I’m kind of excited and kind of scared at the same time. Lucille Roberts is for women only, so looking at all the vag made me a little iffy. But then again it’s more exclusive than my other gym. I feel that if I go it won’t be so hectic and crazy. Plus going to the other one was like a damn high school reunion. And who really wants to see people they use to know while looking sweaty and tired? No
one that’s who. As great as the other one was, it was just getting too popular and I like to have my space. This gym looks like it has all the same equipment that I use so I’m good. Plus I’m gunna start a class and see how that goes. Remembering how much I busted my ass last time kind of makes me whiney. I don’t waaaannnnaaaaa lol. But I guess I just need to quit my bitching. You can’t look good when your stuffing ur face on the couch.

I’ve also started to incorporate products from Jandis (organic health market) into my kitchen as well. Not so much regular food, more like snacks. Besides the natural foods being a little bit more expensive, I cook pretty clean with the foods that I get. I may bread and fry my chicken cutlets once in awhile, but besides that most of the time I use oils and skillet everything with vegetables. My problem is really with snacking. So I figured if all I have is good snacks I should be ok. Plus, I drink emergenC all the damn time so I get the vitamins I need.

I wanna know why it’s so damn slow here at work. I’m bored and I have nothing to read. And you know there’s only so many times you can check the internet. Maybe I’ll play with my eye makeup…I’m actually starting to get it. And it doesn’t look so bad. Thank god I’m becoming a lady. Shit.

The highlight of my night will be cleaning. Fannnntastic. Later

P.S. – What the hell is up with Mother nature? Is she using drugs??

Awwwwwwshhhhh pushit! pushit realll goood!

Oh Monday, how I loathe you so.

I just want to stay in bed when Mondays come around. They just seem to pop back in ur life way too quickly.

So there is a possibility that we might move. The good part about Brian working with Pete is that they always find these apartments that people are renovating. This one In particular is in a house. This guy who lives in Georgia is planning on redoing a bunch of stuff to a two family house in the same town I’m in now. The basement has five bedrooms, the second floor has two, and he’s considering doing things to the top floor. I’m not sure what’s going on with that. But obviously, we are thinking about the second floor. Hopefully we can get it for twelve. I’m hoping that when Brian goes there to look he will like it and we can discuss it with the guy before he even puts it through a real estate. There’s only one thing that might deter us, which would be the lack of an oven. Pete thinks it might just be stove top. And in that case, forget it. If I can’t frikken cook in it what’s the point of it being that much u know? We’ll see. I hope it happens the way we would like it to. I’m really tired of being a basement dweller. I need windows and sunlight. Plus the two bedrooms would be cool. One could be our master room, and the other could be a computer/den type area. We were thinking the den could have the computer, we could get an entertainment center, and then get a futon for when my mom comes to stay and in the meantime it’s a couch. Plus he could play his video games or whatever he wants. Pete remembers there being a large living room in it so that could be for company or when I wanna watch my smut lol. I could actually have people over, which I think is the best part. Have parties. I’ve never really been able to do that. But like I said, we have to see. I just really hope it works out.

PJ left yesterday, we all went into the city to see him off. Danielle wanted to go to the M&M factory so we did that. I have to say…awesome! They have so many different colors it’s crazy. You take a bag and take whatever ones you want, they weigh it and you walk out a happy girl. They just have all these odd colors and mixes. We got some teal, dark green, one with peanuts and almonds in them, minis. So yummy. I brought them to work. This is not a good lol.

We then went to the Tree to take some pics before they take it down. Also went by St. Patrick’s Cathedral. My god that church is beautiful. We lit a candle for Charlsie. After we did that, I just got so sad. Almost cried. I’m not sure what came over me. I guess just being in a spiritual place and doing that for her. I didn’t even think of it. How sad is that? Brian suggested it. Anyways, it was a nice day all in all. BTW, I am legend is good. Watched it last night.

I have bowling wrist. Bowling wrist BLOWS.

Mr. Jones and me look into the future

Happy Friday! Gotta say that even though I had a day off this week I’m glad the weekend is here. I’m flippin sick again. It’s not bad cuz I’ve been trying to take care of it early. It’s another chest cold. What else is new. This is what blows about winter, it does not do well for my asthmatic lungs. I either get bronchitis or respiratory infections, so it’s important that I squash it as soon as it shows itself. Went to bed around 9:30 last night. I think it did some good.

I’m still pumped about next weeks game. It’s my first basketball game ever. I checked the seating chart and we are about 11 rows away from the court. It’s gunna be awesome. I just need a big foam finger, my teams colors in my wardrobe, and a beer and I’ll be ready to harass the Canadian team. It’s gunna rock. I hope I can bring my camera in. Cuz u know I need pics of that shit.

It’s not even close to lunchtime and I’m already anticipating lunch. Have you ever been excited to eat lunch like me? It really depends on what ur having and for me today it’s leftover Greek from last night. I love Greek food like whoa. Mmmmm the chicken salad and pita w/that awesome sauce is callllllliiinnnngggg mmmeeee.

In all honesty, I would be happy as a pig in shit if I could go home and cuddle under the warm covers of my bed. Eat my greek and watch 48 hours, forensic and cold case files. With a little smut mixed. Ahhhh, the perfect day.

*Little fact I learned from Al on New Years: Champagne was created by a monk, who said it was like drinking stars. Pretty cool right? I agree J

Have a good weekend!

Open your back door, I just need to touch you once more.

Happy new year to all! Hope it was wild and crazy. Mine for once, was not. And I kind of enjoyed it. Went to a bar where we had paid for open bar and buffet. The food was not really that great, I felt like we paid for a lot more than what we got. If your drinking wouldn’t you have meat or chicken? All they had was pasta. Stuffed shells, ziti, rice. I was flippin starving and that’s all they offered besides hot wings (which I don’t eat) and zucchini sticks. I didn’t really drink that much either. I got a good buzz but I maybe had about 4 or 5. I didn’t wanna feel like crap in the morning. All in all it was nice to have a place to celebrate, but hopefully next year we can plan something cool.

I refuse to make any resolutions because I know myself and they won’t really end up happening. Maybe a little but it won’t stick for long. So all I say is that this year I will strive to be better in all areas of life. A personal tune up, if u will. I think we could all use that right?

So I get a friend request on myspace today. Do u wanna guess who it’s from? My old best friend Gina. It’s been so long that I don’t even really understand why she found me. God, she was such drama and it rubbed off on me when we were together. Sometimes I felt like she was the one up guy. U know what I mean? Like she could do it all better. I’m not sure why I felt that way or continue to. It’s just shady business. I don’t even know why I accepted. Her and her sister probably just wanted to look through the pics and pick me apart. Be assholes like they were to Thomas. I can’t help thinking it. And all she’s got all over her page is crap about her being engaged. I mean, hey I’m happy for her. I think that’s all she ever really wanted was to find that one guy. She’s was with joe shmoe one minute and another the next. So if she’s got this one by the balls then go for it. This guy works for Roto Rooter…which means she met him through Lisa’s jerk of a husband. So I’m sure this guys a prince. Lol. I’m sorry. I really am. I mean it looks like she’s happy and she’s changed somewhat. She lives in Queens with him and she works in a brokerage firm so that’s good. As much as I am happy for her, I can’t help but remember what she was like. What her family was like. And how most likely, she hasn’t changed in that way.

Well I do have one thing going for me. I didn’t let my body go to shit. Yeah she deff put on the pounds again when she met this guy. And so did her sister, or maybe she’s gunna have a baby. I’m not sure. But yeah I need to stop being bothered by this. Not worth it. I shouldn’t have even given her the pleasure of being in my blog. Whatever, no one really knows who I’m talking about.