Would u know my name if i saw u in heaven?

I’ll make this brief. In a nutshell, this month has been hella stressful. Very busy with a bunch of surprises thrown in.

I’m late on my gremlin. There’s three days left to the month. I piss on a stick at lunch to find that I’ve been drinking the water that everyone else in this stupid ass town has been drinking. Happy b day Ness, your pregnant.

This was Monday. It ended with me pissing on the second stick when I got home and crying for a few hours. Big breakdown. We discuss options.

My birthday was spent at planned parenthood where a counselor tells me what I already know. We discuss options. I get all sorts of tests. It ends with Brian and I having cobbler with my nana. Fantastic.

I kind of knew it. It all feels so different. Being pregnant is so strange. So new. And I know what ur thinking, what r my options? Well…the fairytale doesn’t have a happy ending. There will be no baby. I’d go over the reasons why but I would end up going mad. It’s an endless circle. It’s just financially and partially emotionally the wrong time. I can’t go into detail. It will make me cry.

From what the doctor tells me, I’m very early. About 5-6 weeks. So I can abort the baby using medications rather than the other way. Both of us have decided that if it came to that option we will just keep it. I’m basically indusing a miscarriage. Friday there will be a sonogram to determine if I’m under 8 weeks. If so he’ll give me the first dose and then Saturday I will take the last of it and wait. I don’t want to talk about what it entails. It’s not going to be good. That’s all I wanna say.

I just want u to know I’m ok. It’s going to be rough for awhile. But I’m gunna be all right. I have u guys to support me. I’ve been slowly telling everyone. My mother will not know until it’s over, and even then I’m not quite sure. It’s just been a really frustrating and confusing time. I’ve already got morning sickness. This is just going really fast. I’m at a loss for words.