We're getting high on the DL

May I just say that love love LOVE Leona Lewis. Did anyone see her on American idol last night? She sounds exactly like she does on her album. She’s got some set of chops, and the way she performed you just knew she has this in her soul. Not to mention she’s gorgeous. I was blown away. Goosebumps galor.

I also have been watching this NOFX thing on FUSE with Brian. It’s called the NOFX backstage passport. The band decided they were gunna tour all over the world in strange countries before they can’t play anymore. I have to say it’s pretty awesome. They’re Manager Kent, gets drunk and is hilarious. I forgot where there first stop was but he was drunk as hell and they didn’t even play yet. He comes up to the camera and says “It’s ok, we’re gunna see Jesus and then have a big lunchhh.” He’s just a riot.

Anyways they went to Singapore where getting caught with any illegal drugs will resort to the death penalty. Fat Mike’s like “We’re going to buy some drugs, we have no idea what.” So they get whats called “The Green Dragon:” Now I gotta tell you, they cut it up into lines. It looks like green cocaine, but it looks thicker…like it shouldn’t be snorted ya know? But anyways Fat Mike does it first and it looks like his nose is going to fall off. Within minutes he’s totally fucked up and scared. It was kind of funny, seeing this tough smart ass guy get all creeped out. He was like “I’ve never been this fucked up in my life…it’s like photosynthesis…I gotta call Melvin.” So he calls his band mate to wake him. I gotta tell you, he reminded me of my dad lol. So Melvin doesn’t come so Mike goes to his room and is knocking on the door like “Bro wake up man…come party man.” So eventually he comes and Mike is so happy he gives him hugs all night long. I was surprised to learn that Fat Mike is a big mush when he’s wasted. He’s hugging Melvin for the fifth time…and Melvin’s like “Its gunna be ok Mike…now where’s my line.” Meanwhile Kent is like “I feel like I’ve been hit by a bunch of Mac Trucks….made out of marshmellowwww…..wooooooh!” it was just funny as hell. I just had to mention it.

Ok so as for the previous rant. I’m over it. I let people’s blunders get the best of me when I shouldn’t. I’ve got far too much shit on my plate to give a crap anymore. Whatever ya know? life rolls on. I’m not even going to talk about it anymore.

As for the gym, I am having a fabulous time. Today I’m gunna try the yoga class at 6:15. The only thing that blows about starting over again is that it really screws with my body. I’m not sure if this happens to everyone else, but digesting food can become painful if I eat too fast. And I always do. I’m on constant rush mode so after I eat my tummy is not havin it. Cramps for a few minutes and then it’s gone. Besides the soreness that’s really the only thing. I suppose my body is just getting use to less food and such. But I do see a difference already. My pants are beginning to fit nicely, not tight. The gym isn’t even really crowded when I go too so that’s great. Good times.

Ok I think that’s it for now. It’s almost time to moveeeee ahhhhhh!

If only i had put money on it.

Why I get aggravated over someone else’s life…I have no idea. But I need to stop caring so fuckin much.

So text chris to see how he’s been. It’s been awhile since I’ve spoken with him and I found that odd so I figured I would see whats up. I find out now that his ex has the phone and that he’s moved out. Into another girlfriends place. R u fucking kidding me?

I’m annoyed because I thought we were friends. He always just disappears and then shows back up when he’s down because of the situations he puts himself in. Lately it’s just been so one sided and now I know why. He’s trying to keep that from me. I’m not sure why. From what im guessing, it’s because he doesn’t want to hear the truth, especially from me.

But now that I have to find out whats going on in his life from other people I decided to write him a message via myspace:

So I texted you today because I haven’t heard from you in a while and I wanted to check in to see of you were ok, only to be texted back by Jenny. She’s told me you two no longer speak and that you’ve moved out. AND that you have a new girlfriend already. Already chris? And your living with her?

Look, you may end up telling me to butt out and that’s cool. But it’s my job as a friend to say what I think to u. I’m not really sure what it is you are looking for. Maybe it’s a way out, maybe your just trying to find someone who’s right for you, I don’t know. But you always jump the gun. You find a girl , you move right in and then you stress yourself out more than you should. I mean, no one even knew you were getting married until we found a picture of you in the paper.

I’m just saying, any problems that you have discussed with me will not be solved any sooner by jumping into things like this. I don’t hear from you for awhile, and then when I do it’s because your upset about whatever situation you put yourself in.

I didn’t even know you had another phone. I’ve known nothing. I’ve got your ex girlfriend telling me what your up to instead. And that kind of blows.

I’m just saying think about this. Think about what the hell your doing.

Btw, Don’t get pissed at her for saying anything to me. Because OBVIOUSLY you weren’t planning on saying anything and I would have texted your old number regardless. It was only a matter of time.

I mean…I don’t even know why I care. I know him better than anyone else. All he does is lie, run away, cover things up. And for what? Just to kick yourself in the ass later? I just needed to point that shit out. Maybe if he sees what he’s doing on paper, perhaps he’ll actually think about what he’s doing. I’m only saying these things because I know that he’s gunna do this for the rest of his life until he finally decides what he wants. The girls, the lies, the marriage, never have nor will they ever fill whatever void he’s got. He needs to get over it. And you know what, im so over it too. That’s the last time I even want to speak to him. I don’t want him calling me up sad looking for comfort when I don’t even know the truth about whats wrong. Im an idiot for even getting annoyed about it. Well, maybe it’s because he’s a fuckin adult. Thats my fuckin problem….all these “Adults” out there. Fuckin Bullshit you are. Your not fooling anyone. Fakers.

Kiss me with your cherry lipstick, never wash you off my face.

Hi Everyone! Ugh….you know the Monday’s creep on you so flippin fast it’s disgusting.

So yesterday I go to fill my prescription for my BCs and she tells me there’s a 50 buck deductable. Now this is the third time she’s said that to me and apparently last time I paid it should have been fully covered. So I told her that and she remembered me so she’s looking it up and she was like “I really hope that’s not your copay.” But of course it was, they only pay 18 dollars worth. Fuckin insurance. So now I have to get a generic that ive never heard of before. But it has only a 15 dollar copay so I really don’t have a choice ya know? it’s got the same ingredients as the other so I guess that’s what I’m gunna have to do for now. But now I have to double up today which blows. I never wanted to skip it to begin with. Oh well.

I signed up for the gym! Woot woot! So flippin excited. I’ve already got a schedule put together. Classes three days a week and then I’m just gunna do the machines on the other days. The place looked small from the outside but it’s actually pretty spacious. The three classes I’m taking all start at 7. One is kick boxing, the other is all in one, and I believe the third is butt and gutt. Either way it should be fun. The only problem I have is that we have to sign up for the cardio machines. They only allow thirty minutes in case it’s crowded. I can understand that, and I only do 30 minutes anyways. But I think it’s silly to sign up for the gym and not have full access to the machines. What if you do an hour of cardio? I guess you just have to switch it up. Whatever. Don’t even know why I’m bitching lol.

I also had quite the experience on 420. For the first time ever, I tried a magical brownie. I know, I’m 24 and just trying one. What can I say, I’m a late bloomer. May I just say that it’s fuckin crazy. My whole body felt like a big bowl of jello and I could literally feel myself melting into the car seat. Lol. I was pretty much a big blob for the rest of the day. But my god…those things are awesome. Now I understand why everyone thinks they’re fantastic. Next time I need to make sure I’m not doing anything because making dinner was such a project. I literally felt retarded. Anyways, that’s all the excitement I had this weekend, if you wanna call it exciting. Later kids

Shine on you crazy diamond

Happy Day folks! Yes it is Friday once again, we’ve made it. I’m pretty jolly today. The weather is gorgeous, I’m feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. Oooohhh yeah.

So yesterday we skipped dinner for a stroll on the boardwalk instead. I have to say that was awesome, usually it’s too windy for me because I get cold so easily. But it was such a dream walking next to the ocean, its just a shame I didn’t bring my camera. I realized while speed walking how unhappy I am with my body and how much I need to get started at the gym. I have not signed up yet because I figured with the move it would be hectic. But after yesterday I decided to screw it and just get started. I just feel so much better emotionally. I feel like it’s hard to explain. Perhaps there’s something wrong with my brain chemistry and this makes me feel balanced. I’m just in a much better mood after. It’s like I just fought a war or something. Plus I know that I’ll be seeing results if I keep doing it, so im pumped with adrenaline to get to that goal u know? Plus, Lucille Roberts just lowered there rate to 10 a month rather than 15. I don’t think they would lower it to 5 so I should take it before the offer’s gone. So here’s how my Saturday will be: Get a mani, go sign up, go home to change, and head on back for some elyptical goodness. I’m so excited.

I’m just so filled with excitement lately I just wanna burst like a piñata. We are just overjoyed that we are getting this place. And now that it’s getting closer we’re just so antsy. Every day at least two or three times we say to each other how we can’t wait and wanna be in there already. I’m pretty proud of myself with the fact that I haven’t slacked too much when it comes to packing. I’m pretty much almost done. How sweet is that? And I know I got a little crazy with wanting a housewarming party really soon, but I was just pumped about it. I’ve since scaled back, and we’ve decided that we will probably have it in the beginning of June. We still wanna get furniture and be completely settled. It will just be nice to have people over ya know? I can finally have a zin night with my ladies, have parties for holidays, or just some tv get togethers. We already bought an awesome TV, and we are getting some furniture from some folks we know so I have a feeling it’s gunna look stellar. Especially that Jacuzzi bathtub. I can actually use bath salts and shit now. I don’t think I’ve taken a bath in a long time.

Now all I need is a decent job and then I can say that I’m complete for now. I’m not sure if I’m just paranoid or what, but now I feel like I’m being watched. My boss seems to come into my office more often now to see what I’m up to. He rearranged the whole office for more storage space so he’s been in here a lot fixing it to his liking. And since it’s been kind of slow here I feel like he’s been trying to find things for me to do because of that. He’s just been constantly coming in and out. He seems a bit more invasive. For example, when he comes in and hands me work to do I can see that he’s trying to see if im online or to see what I’m doing on the computer. Perhaps he saw me doing my resume. Either way I don’t care. He should probably have some sort of heads up anyways. It’s just too much now. I don’t wanna feel pressure like that. I’ve always done my job, and most of the time correctly. If not I apologize. Hopefully one day they will see that I’ve always been a team player. Even if it means when I’m already gone.

I’m so ready for an alcoholic beverage and some bowling. Who’s with me?

It's the end of the world as we know it

Hey y’all. Happy Monday.

It’s nice out and it’s suppose to continue to go up in temperature, for anyone who would like to know how the next 7 days will be. Lol. I’m excited that mother nature is finally gunna give us some warm goodness.

So got my raise. But unfortunately they only gave me half of what I asked for. Now I realize that I asked for a four dollar raise and that’s a lot to ask for. Maybe I just thought that given the circumstances they would give me some kind of sympathy. But no dice. I’m disappointed, but it should have been expected. So now I’m still making less then everyone I know. Now it’s 12 an hour.

Ive decided that I guess it’s only best that I not complain and stick with what I’m getting and just start looking for another job. I’ll be sending some your way as soon as im done revamping it.

I know that getting a raise is hard for everyone. And I know that I’ve gotten far more advances than a lot of people who have worked there a long time. But I don’t know if I can do twelve. I don’t wanna struggle. I’m not sure how much tax will be taken out. I guess if I knew then I could tell whats ahead but I’m not good at that stuff. Starting over blows, but I don’t think there’s much of a choice. I’m just bummed I have to do this.

I mean, I couldn’t help but cry because I’m worried. I know that the rent will be handled but I need to feel secure in the fact that there is still something there in the bank in case anything happens. I don’t know if that will be possible now. I just need to suck it up and find something new.

With all the crap that’s been surrounding me lately it just figures. I’m also not getting Pete’s sister’s couch now so there goes more money for something. It’s just like, shoot me in the face.

I’m waving the white flag…but they still wanna battle…so what happens now?

The world is black and hearts are cold and there's no hope

Hey guys. I hope everyone is having a good week. Mine was all right up until yesterday.

Let me just say that I get it now. I finally realize that there is no one good here, not even myself. You can’t trust anyone, and even if u get up the courage to try it all ends the same. Self doubt, sadness, anger, depression. The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed. The lack of desire to do anything. That’s what happens when I am who I am. And I’m thinking that it’s time for a change. I no longer want a tortured soul.

So ever since the Mitch incident I’ve been extremely paranoid because I think that Brian has every right to get back at me for what happened…even though that’s not true. I know it’s not and that he would never do anything to hurt me. Revenge is silly, but for some reason anything I do wrong I feel that it’s only fair to do so. I guess I don’t think much of myself. I’m not sure.

Because of this I check his phone when he’s asleep to see if anything is going on. You know this. I have for awhile now.

So Shannon (Brian’s brothers fiancé) texts him a lot. Multiple times a day. She use to text me a lot but then all of a sudden stopped. And I could never figure out why. I think nothing of this because they have known each other since he was real young. She started seeing John in high school so I know there is nothing more going on. I have no reason to think anything otherwise. I know john works a lot so she’s home and bored a lot so I know she texts just to ease the boredom. Nothing has ever come up unusual, except Thursday at 3 in the morning when I woke up and chose to check. The convo is as follows:

S: I gotta tell you something
B: What’s that?
S: I can’t stop thinking about you. I thought you should know that.

What the fuck? So I proceed to flip out, wake him up, cry and ask what’s going on while repeatedly saying I can’t believe this…fuck all of you… I’m never going over there again yada yada.

Now I think without my mother this would all be different. She calmed me down and said “If you’ve never seen her text anything else like that then there’s something going on. Maybe she has something. But you know Brian doesn’t. He bends over backwards for you. He works and then comes home. Try to calm down. I honestly believe he’s not doing anything.” And I do too….but what the hell is that about? In all of the four years, she has never done something so out of character. It really hurt my feelings. I just feel like I have no idea who she is anymore. Then Brian told me the next day that he heard there were some kind of problems going on between them so he thinks that maybe that was something she did on purpose to bother john. But of course, we have no idea what the intentions are for sure. And that’s why I’m so goddamn upset. So I let her have it that morning…via text of course:

“I’m deeply hurt and disappointed in you. You are not my friend. I no longer wish to speak with you. You can’t stop thinking about Brian huh? Yeah, I read what u wrote him. Do you think that’s appropriate to say to your brother in law? Because I don’t appreciate it and I don’t think that john would either. I don’t want you to talk to Brian anymore. I don’t trust you and Brian knows this. Goodbye.” She has not written to him nor I so I guess it worked.

Look, I don’t care if this was to get back at John or what. Your in your 30s, you have two fucking kids. Don’t get other people involved in your bullshit. That’s not fair, to shake my faith in what we have because you seek revenge on someone you claim to love. That’s not what love is at all. That’s what children do. And if there is something going and she means what she wrote…then it’s fucked up to think anything would even happen. He would never do that to his brother. She’s watched him grow up. They are family. That’s the most absurd thing in the world. And he didn’t write back to that for a fuckin reason. Your putting him in the middle of whatever mess your trying to create. Stop being a fuckin baby. Solve problems like a goddamn adult.

Why…why the fuck am I better than that? What the hell is wrong with people today? What’s so difficult about confronting someone you have a deep relationship with? She’s been with him so long it shouldn’t be this way. I’m just tired guyz, I’m tired of being let down. I’m tired of people I know or care about hurting me.

This just hasn’t been my year.

Love shack...yea baby thats where it's at

So, I’ve got to tell ya…I’m feeling like disco lemonade today! For the first time in about 4 or 5 days I feel absolutely jolly. It’s pretty good.

I’ve been feeling kinda crappy because my job has just been full of BS. Full of it. I understand that they are trying to run a tight ship but some things they were just on my ass about that I couldn’t explain. And that’s annoying, when all you can say is “ I don’t know why, I apologize” and that’s not really good enough. But it seems as though the clouds have parted today, so I guess that’s why I’m in a better mood.

I’m in a good mood also because Brian has started the process of getting his teeth fixed. He has an infection right now so all they can do is cavities, but I can tell he’s already feeling better about himself. And that makes me happy. I mean, he’s embarrassed to smile ya know? and that’s a shame. So I’m glad for him. He’s signing up with UHP. It’s actually a really great dental discount program. If anybody needs any info on it let me know. I was looking at how much of a price cut there is and it’s by far the best I’ve researched. Just putting it out there. If my teeth were in need of anything I would deffinately go sign up for it.

So things have been nice with my mom here. We had a wine and cheese night which was nice. Besides that nothing else has been going on. She wants to see the rolling stones documentary movie so we are gunna go either tomorrow or Friday. My mom hasn’t been in a movie theater in years…like more than 10. So I’m excited to be there with her for that. I’ve also decided that I’m gunna take her to get a manicure on Saturday before she goes home. Otherwise, we’ve just been chillen and falling asleep early.

I’ve never realized how much snacking my mom does. She’s been making me eat with her non stop. Well, I usually don’t have snack food for that purpose ya know? So if I do nibble it’s on a piece of cheese or something. But lately it’s been cheese and crackers and cake lol. I’m so frikken full, she’s gunna plump me up before she goes. It’s all good. I love to eat.

Like I said, Friday I’m taking her to my bar for happy hour and appetizers. I’m really going to be annoyed if I have to deal with that crap again. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but it’s hard when you KNOW they are doing this to bother us on purpose ya know? I just don’t want to feel like I’m being watched is all. I don’t care that they are there. It’s a public place and I have no right to cause any difficulty. I just want some kind of space and a moment where I don’t look up and see and unwanted pair of eyes aimed in my direction. What’s the fuss about? We all look the same, there’s nothing to watch. Perhaps with my mom being there I won’t be so distracted. Either way I’m being grown up here. Whatever. I’ll stop.

On a side note, I have already started my second memoir. It’s called “Manic-By Terry Cheney”. And no, it’s not Dick Cheney’s daughter. It’s about a very successful entertainment lawyer battling with both Bipolar disorder and Manic Depression. SO GOOD. I’m halfway through and I gotta tell you…this chick is quite a whore lol. Keeps me occupied for sure. Love it. Adiosssss

Somebody's gunna hurt someone before the night is through

Ohhhh yeah. I’ve got a case of the Mondays today.

So my mom came in on Saturday, very early by the way. What the hell is up with that? I have to be delayed like whoa for the past couple flights and this bitch got here early on a beautiful day. Damn.

Ummmm…let me just vent for a minute. So we all know that Mitch and Amy were at the bar we go to for happy hour last week right? So THIS week we are on our way there as usual and I just know that someone’s gotta be there. I’m thinking that most likely Mitchell will be there because now I’m sure Johnny told him we go there every Friday. I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach as we were driving. Because now that he knows we go there…why wouldn’t he wanna try and make things difficult? I swear, it’s like dealing with a child or high school surroundings. But yeah, we go in and u know…we have to go past the dinning area to get to the bar so I can’t see who’s there until I got to sit down. And yeah... I got to sit down and Mitch is seriously right there. As I got to sit I’m like “Awww crap I gotta move a seat down.” Because u know I’m not in any way going to sit next to that ass of a man. He’s fuckin drunk, and he says hey with a big shit eating grin on his face. Whatever I just looked at him like “are u kidding me?” and sat two seats away. Then Brian goes to sit next to him and he says hello and how was his day and Brian was like “Good thanks” and that was it. But…how uncomfy is that? Why is he doing this? So we’re sitting next to this guy and we see him telling his friends how he knows us, fuckin whispering and shit…and we just wanted to fuckin leave. This guys in his 30s and he’s acting like an idiot. I mean, by my second glass of wine I was pretty much relaxed and not in the caring mood. Fuckin look all u want but I’m not gunna let u keep me from coming to my favorite place one day a week. I’m here for one day a week ya know? we’re friends with the bar tender and this is just bullshit. So whatever we continue on and Amy shows up. Can I just tell you that he still treats her like crap. He acted the same way he did when we were all friends towards her. I’m thinking it was cuz he was drunk because he was lovey dovey with her last week. Actually, I don’t know anything. I just know he was rude and I felt bad for her. But then I thought…she’s staying with him. If that’s what she wants to deal with then fine. And then I didn’t feel so bad for her anymore.

I don’t know if he was talking about me or what. I just heard him say something about the quiet one and I was about to get up and punch him in the face. I was thinking that they were referring to the time where we supposedly had sex. So yeah I’m a little zined up and I wanna kick him in the mouth. But I didn’t, they ended up leaving because Amy could see he was an obnoxious asshole and told him she wanted to go. GOOD. Perhaps she’ll request that they no longer meet there. That would be swell…because I swear to god if we go there this week and he’s a drunk fool I will hurt him. I’m taking my mother there because I think it’s a nice place. He just better not mess up my time. And the whole time he was trying to either look at me through the mirror across from the bar or leaning back on his chair to take a glance because Brian was blocking his view, which was what I had wanted. GET A LIFE U ASS. I’m just annoyed because he’s doing it on purpose. I’m annoyed because he thinks he can just say hello and talk shit. Act like an adult. It’s over. I’m sorry your miserable. But that’s not my problem. You already know how to fix that.

I think u all need to come meet up Friday and have drinks with us. Then I’ll have a posse. Lol. Anyways besides that it’s been pretty low key with my mom here. I do nothing exciting. Tonight will be laundry. WOOHOO. laterrrrrrr

We're all misunderstood

All right, so yesterday was a doozy.

It doesn’t help that I’m still experimenting with this birth control shit. I’m particularly emotional at this time. Not sure if my gremlin is coming or not ya know? it feels like it but nothings happening except for the hormones.

I’m not saying that I’m not still a bit bummed. But I can understand when someone is having a bad day and how easily it can be passed from one to another. Isn’t that interesting? You could be on top of the world one minute, but the second someone acts nasty or says something that ticks u off it’s over. You just fell off. Humans are crazy.

But I think what really put me in a downward spiral was really the issue I mentioned previous: That no one wants to deal. And that saddens me.

Look, I’m one of those people who puts my heart out there regardless so it’s hard for me to see when others cannot communicate for whatever reason.

I just don’t understand the deal with that. Why is it so hard for some? Why can’t you just say what you wanna say and work on it from there? It’s not as bad at it may seem. Hey, I’m not one for confrontation. But if it is necessary, I’ll stay grounded and plead my case until I lose my voice. Because it’s important. Not just in friendships but relationships as well. I think that’s the most valuable piece of info I’ve come across. The more you keep it to yourself, the bitter you get. It turns into the other parties fault when it’s really yours for not bringing the problem to the table to begin with. Sure, no one wants to argue. But at least when it’s all over you’ve both said what you needed to say. And you feel better. Physically and emotionally.

I mean in the end…Do you really want it to be this way forever? I think that’s the real question everyone needs to ask themselves. Is it worth all this? Because it can be over and done with in a day. You know it can.

On a quick side note, my knee is not feeling too great today. It really hasn’t been the same since the accident. I really hope to god this goes away soon.

My phone also blows hardcore. First it dies in the middle of the day, then when I charge it I can’t make calls. It hangs up mid convo or I can’t even get it to ring. I loathe technology.

This is for the ones who stood their ground

I guess I’m just going to stop being nice. It’ seems like the only solution.

How could someone be so mean to another? Even if nothing’s happened to cause it?

Am I missing something that everyone else has?

I’m really just too upset for words. To feel like I’m being scolded, when all I did was ask how someone’s day was. I’m about to cry over something I don’t quite know or understand.

And maybe I’m suppose to be understanding ya know? and I am usually. But this puzzles the hell out of me. And angers me at the same time.

Is this has nothing to do with me then don’t treat me that way. I never have to anyone and I don’t get how easy it is for others to do so. If there’s something deeper going on than take care of it. This is the problem with everyone in this world. No one wants to solve anything. And I refuse to be a part of it. I refuse to have someone else’s mood splattered onto me. THAT’S NOT FAIR TO ME. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF U?

I’m staying away and hiding where it’s sane. This my friend, is pure Bullshit.