The more things change, the more things stay the same.

I wonder if ill ever get a sober phone call from you. i guess i should be thankful that you only sounded buzzed today. I'm not mad at you nor do i hate you. But i hope you know that your missing out on our lives. I wonder if that even concerns you. Because i miss you. Shit....you just have no idea how much i miss you. The phone calls are shorter each time. with you being the one to always cut it short. i have the time....so why not let us share it for awhile and talk about life? truth is....i have so much to say that i want you to know, that i want u to react to....but u dont make the time. And it hurts me. you cried when i got engaged...and now i have to remind u each phone call when im getting married....and hope that youll even show. and thats even if you give me the time to remind you. I dont think that its alot to ask.....to just seem somewhat intersted in whats going on. I miss you.....or the old you.......the you before you moved away. Please come back.

Just danceee gunna be ok!

Afternoon sluts, ok so i think i need to tell my sponser to back off a bit. i understand that they are there to support me. but this whole program kinda feels more like an obligation more than anything else. shes not being too pushy....but the things she says r just so robotic. i totally get her though. shes been in the program for a longggg time so alot of stuff is memorized. and i understand that this is a pretty big chunk of her life. she really wants to just help people. but the way she does it....its just too much. i dont have all this free time to do AA stuff. thats why i just do the meetings. like ive said before its to keep me focus and have support. in between that im gyming it up and planning my wedding. im in full plan mode right now and i still have so much to do. and besides that we might be moving in the middle of all this. i dont have the time to read passages or have half an hour discussions. this program is not my life. im not half as bad as most that are there. i'm not going to fall off. im good. its been a month and a half now. im proud of myself and im going to continue to stay focused on being healthy. and reading passages and doing all this other stuff outside of the meetings is more like hw to me. if i wanted that id be back in school. so i guess ill have to talk to her and see how that goes... theres just so much good stuff coming my way its nuts. we have enough to pay for this wedding ourselves which is a miracle in itself. brian is doing alot of sidejobs to get extra cash, and was offered first looks at an apt in long beach. i want it already and i havent even seen it yet. i just want an actual apt. im done w renting in houses. if we take this place ill be at the beach all summer im already excited about it. hes going to be doing side work in that apt as well so he will get to see it before me and let me know if its worth it. the price is just redonk. its a damn steal and its all bc of who ya know. i def feel lucky right now in my life. not saying that its always this rosey...there are bumps ahead all the time. but right now things are falling into place nicely and i couldnt be happier. i have money to have a decent reception....a man who tells me almost everyday that he can't wait to marry me....and im happy...im happy without a drink. im not having a difficult time w it. now all i need is to win lotto. or get a better car :p

Old man take a look at my life, im alot like you

Hi, My name is Vanessa. And i'm a cross addict.

Wow...that seems really strange. its so....out there. But i suppose it's true. Even if i havent said it out loud yet.
Friday will be a month without a drink. And i have to say it feels great. Dont get me wrong....it sucks too. big time. i dont feel comfortable to go to a bar unless im going to be eating something. i can't just go to the bar anymore. So i've been keep myself occupied in other ways. it def feels like something is missing. But i def dont miss being hungover all the time and wasting days like that.
Joined AA....well idk if its really that i joined. I've been going to a few meetings a week. it helps me stay focused and doesnt make me feel like the only fucked up person in the world.
But as for completing the steps and becoming one with the rest of the group? still on the fence. its not that im fighting this whole thing. im trying to be a better person. But it can be a bit cultlike.
Mainly...its all about god. And i'm not so thrilled with that. and the prayers they recite. or that prayer i cant understand yet bc it has alot of w words in it. something about do the work and your worth it.....and some other ws....whatever. i undertsand this is a support group and thats why i like it. they make you feel welcome and are genuinely there for you everyday. it's not forced. they've just been there and they understand you. and if you need a friend they are there for you. its great. i feel a lot better keeping in touch with people like that.
But like i said... the cultlike behavior comes in when they praise god. in this one meeting this woman was sharing and talking about having a bad day and i remember her saying that on those bad days she would just "give it up to god" and let him handle it. Thats my problem right there. Why should i give god all the credit for my sobriety? i voluntarily decided to stop bc i was unhappy and out of control....i didnt look up one day and ask someone who hasnt really been around and tell me what i should do. i dont ask god for guidance....i guide myself. maybe its bc im not as hardcore as some of the folks in these meetings are. or maybe i just gave up on him a long time ago....when he didnt answer my prayers. to fix my family, to better my life....to fix me. i'm going to go with the second one.
i replaced god with booze and drugs. at least it soothed me quicker than any prayer would.even knowing this....i dont want to completely go back to god. giving all the credit. sure, i suppose it all has made me stronger....but i dont have faith in him. i have faith that things will always work out and fall into place. i have faith in me. i have faith in knowing that this life is not the end. but do i give all thanks to the lord? no....i def dont believe in one person. i just have faith....period. and i think thats why im conflicted with the program.
i also dont want to share my story, or announce my name and say that im a cross addict. im sitting here arent i? y'all know i got issues....so lets just leave it at that.
maybe one day ill be comfortable....but im not sure. i dont fully fit into that scene. i need their support, but i dont need to be one of them. i admit that the meetings are helping me find where it all went downhill....im slowly putting pieces together. dealing with it all sober....all the stress and anxiety....is def not fun. probably the worst part. i have to say....thats the most difficult thing for me right now. but it's all an experience....kinda like self therapy. as much as its been difficult....i havent been this happy in a long time. and as much as it may suck at times...for the most part i dont miss it at all.....i dont need it anymore...