Old man take a look at my life, im alot like you

Hi, My name is Vanessa. And i'm a cross addict.

Wow...that seems really strange. its so....out there. But i suppose it's true. Even if i havent said it out loud yet.
Friday will be a month without a drink. And i have to say it feels great. Dont get me wrong....it sucks too. big time. i dont feel comfortable to go to a bar unless im going to be eating something. i can't just go to the bar anymore. So i've been keep myself occupied in other ways. it def feels like something is missing. But i def dont miss being hungover all the time and wasting days like that.
Joined AA....well idk if its really that i joined. I've been going to a few meetings a week. it helps me stay focused and doesnt make me feel like the only fucked up person in the world.
But as for completing the steps and becoming one with the rest of the group? still on the fence. its not that im fighting this whole thing. im trying to be a better person. But it can be a bit cultlike.
Mainly...its all about god. And i'm not so thrilled with that. and the prayers they recite. or that prayer i cant understand yet bc it has alot of w words in it. something about do the work and your worth it.....and some other ws....whatever. i undertsand this is a support group and thats why i like it. they make you feel welcome and are genuinely there for you everyday. it's not forced. they've just been there and they understand you. and if you need a friend they are there for you. its great. i feel a lot better keeping in touch with people like that.
But like i said... the cultlike behavior comes in when they praise god. in this one meeting this woman was sharing and talking about having a bad day and i remember her saying that on those bad days she would just "give it up to god" and let him handle it. Thats my problem right there. Why should i give god all the credit for my sobriety? i voluntarily decided to stop bc i was unhappy and out of control....i didnt look up one day and ask someone who hasnt really been around and tell me what i should do. i dont ask god for guidance....i guide myself. maybe its bc im not as hardcore as some of the folks in these meetings are. or maybe i just gave up on him a long time ago....when he didnt answer my prayers. to fix my family, to better my life....to fix me. i'm going to go with the second one.
i replaced god with booze and drugs. at least it soothed me quicker than any prayer would.even knowing this....i dont want to completely go back to god. giving all the credit. sure, i suppose it all has made me stronger....but i dont have faith in him. i have faith that things will always work out and fall into place. i have faith in me. i have faith in knowing that this life is not the end. but do i give all thanks to the lord? no....i def dont believe in one person. i just have faith....period. and i think thats why im conflicted with the program.
i also dont want to share my story, or announce my name and say that im a cross addict. im sitting here arent i? y'all know i got issues....so lets just leave it at that.
maybe one day ill be comfortable....but im not sure. i dont fully fit into that scene. i need their support, but i dont need to be one of them. i admit that the meetings are helping me find where it all went downhill....im slowly putting pieces together. dealing with it all sober....all the stress and anxiety....is def not fun. probably the worst part. i have to say....thats the most difficult thing for me right now. but it's all an experience....kinda like self therapy. as much as its been difficult....i havent been this happy in a long time. and as much as it may suck at times...for the most part i dont miss it at all.....i dont need it anymore...