Sup bitchessss! So I think im going to try to blog more this time around. looks like the blog flow hasnt been that great these past couple years. I actually started to read some of the past ones. What a witty fuck I was! I mean im still funny but its a more mature kind of funny....looks like the old me was a cracked out fun kind of funny. wish I could get that back.
All the previous blogs have made me realize a lot of shit. I still struggle with the same exact demons I do now- dieting and alcohol and drug addiction boococky. seems like the only thing that isn't present today is my efforts in a failing relationship. So that's one stress gone. Like meatloaf once said "two out of three aint bad"...although for me its three out of four. Whatever bro.
Who knew those cartoons would be true. The ones where u have the angel and the devil on each shoulder trying to tell you what to. Its like that every damn day.
Yes, you have to get up and go to work. Don't eat too much! youll get fat! No, you cannot drink excessively. No, you cant pop pills with it either. Color in the lines! stay Focused! everyday is a balancing act. And im always worried it will all crash down.
At least I don't have as much anxiety as I use to. Not many breakdowns. I try to not blow up and try to rationalize. Still gets hard. I don't know why I cant move past these issues that seem to have been following me for a long time. I honestly didn't realize it until I started reading it all. When will I find some kind of peace within? probably when im dead. lucky me.
my boyfriend thinks that I am too hard on myself. But he doesn't know how it could b if I let it all go. You get use to not giving a fuck. You like it so much it makes u selfish and then u lose people. and yourself. He has had past drug problems, so I feel like he has to understand it somewhat. Then again his attitude is different from mine. Whats in the past is in the past and today is a new day. And I agree. But I cant go throwing my past in the trash that easy.
I need to remind myself to b good. its just something that I have to do. ok. enough of this. bitch be like whoa is me. shit is boring.
Im trying to be more like a lady. getting my fashion on. its work in progess. It first started w my makeup and now moved onto clothes. needed ALOT of help with the clothes. still do but I bought a bunch of shit that should last me for awhile. im having trouble walking in shoes but I will break them in. im not quittin this! winna winna chicken dinna!
Work blows. same shit all the time. Nothing new with that.
I really like that new lady gaga and r Kelly song. Still not happy that he pees on young girls before coitus...then again nobodys perfect.
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
I know better cuz you said forever and ever. Who knew....?
Wow.....2011....lol I have not been on in a long time. So much has happened since then. Its crazy looking back, how quickly things change. How much you change.
I guess we will connect the dots and follow up from the last post. My father never came to my wedding. He was in fact very ill and we almost lost him a few times. I married on 9/10/11 and we ended up visiting him I believe around November that year.
In a way it was better off. I moved out of our apartment in May the following year. I only enjoyed my wedding for four days before I received message from a younger girl, letting me know that she was in a relationship with my husband on and off for the past two years. The last time seeing him being August. Right before our wedding. I knew all along....im not going to pretend that I had no inkling. looking back on it the flags were very obvious. And I kept wearing my rose colored glasses thinking it will get better. He will man up and see what its all suppose to really be like. I don't know why I thought that....what a stupid girl. I was so sheltered and in denial about everything.
Why it took me months to leave? I played detective to the best of my ability. It was tough bc I'm not a good hacker. I cant figure out passwords for shit. The only thing I had were phone numbers I could call. And that never seemed to disappoint. One night he was so drunk he fell asleep w his hands on the phone. Stupid fuck. I don't know why I was so upset at what I found. I knew it was there. But I guess seeing it just made it heartbreaking.
To never feel good enough for someone who surrounded your world, is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. To be put second instead of first. Why did it take so long for me to wake up? I think that is what pissed me off the most. It was doomed the moment it started. But I learned a lot from it. I guess I can be thankful for that. I am a lot stronger than I was before.
I have met someone new who is fantastic. But a lot of what I believed in before is gone. I feel like I still have a wall up. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In time it has gone done. But really just brick by brick. Its going to take me awhile and I feel sorry that this time around I cannot give what I put into my previous relationship. This guy deserves what my ex got. Its a shame.
On a positive note, I feel like I am finally living. And that time being with my ex seems so long ago. Isnt that strange? it feels like another time. Kind of like it never really happened. So odd.
I look forward to what will happen next. Not knowing use to scare me and now going with it seems less stressful than trying to plan. I am happy, but not fully to where I would like to be. Hopefully in time I will. Made a lot of good friends and kept a few loyal ones. I feel good. I feel like myself again. My father is ok. My family is there to support me. I am in a really good place. I only move forward. No going back.
I guess we will connect the dots and follow up from the last post. My father never came to my wedding. He was in fact very ill and we almost lost him a few times. I married on 9/10/11 and we ended up visiting him I believe around November that year.
In a way it was better off. I moved out of our apartment in May the following year. I only enjoyed my wedding for four days before I received message from a younger girl, letting me know that she was in a relationship with my husband on and off for the past two years. The last time seeing him being August. Right before our wedding. I knew all along....im not going to pretend that I had no inkling. looking back on it the flags were very obvious. And I kept wearing my rose colored glasses thinking it will get better. He will man up and see what its all suppose to really be like. I don't know why I thought that....what a stupid girl. I was so sheltered and in denial about everything.
Why it took me months to leave? I played detective to the best of my ability. It was tough bc I'm not a good hacker. I cant figure out passwords for shit. The only thing I had were phone numbers I could call. And that never seemed to disappoint. One night he was so drunk he fell asleep w his hands on the phone. Stupid fuck. I don't know why I was so upset at what I found. I knew it was there. But I guess seeing it just made it heartbreaking.
To never feel good enough for someone who surrounded your world, is the worst feeling I have ever experienced. To be put second instead of first. Why did it take so long for me to wake up? I think that is what pissed me off the most. It was doomed the moment it started. But I learned a lot from it. I guess I can be thankful for that. I am a lot stronger than I was before.
I have met someone new who is fantastic. But a lot of what I believed in before is gone. I feel like I still have a wall up. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. In time it has gone done. But really just brick by brick. Its going to take me awhile and I feel sorry that this time around I cannot give what I put into my previous relationship. This guy deserves what my ex got. Its a shame.
On a positive note, I feel like I am finally living. And that time being with my ex seems so long ago. Isnt that strange? it feels like another time. Kind of like it never really happened. So odd.
I look forward to what will happen next. Not knowing use to scare me and now going with it seems less stressful than trying to plan. I am happy, but not fully to where I would like to be. Hopefully in time I will. Made a lot of good friends and kept a few loyal ones. I feel good. I feel like myself again. My father is ok. My family is there to support me. I am in a really good place. I only move forward. No going back.
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